Tag Archives: Scott Birdseye

10 Simple Steps to “Greening-Up” Your Life

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green

1. You can reduce your carbon foot print by bicycling to work. Then again, bicycles are made of aluminum that has to be stripmined. Instead construct your own bicycle out of recycled cardboard and old compost.

2. Leaving the water running while shaving or brushing your teeth can waste over 2,800 gallons of water every year. So save water by avoiding grooming like other dirty eco-nut hippies.

3. Produce has to be trucked across country just to get to your local grocery store. Why not cut down on all that fossil fuel pollution by growing your own vegetables? If you don’t have the time, just enslave some migrant workers. Don’t worry, they’re here illegally and are afraid to go to the police. So really you’ll have carte blanche in how treat them.

4. Always make sure you buy recycled products. If you can’t find recycled products, you can make your own just by rereading yesterday’s newspaper or rewiping with previously used toilet paper.

5. Solar panels can reduce your electricity and heating costs by over 83.3%. For the average American household that’s $200.00 extra dollars a month you can spend on cocaine.

6. Speaking of Colombia, you can save some land from agricultural degradation by using dirt instead of coffee grounds to make your coffee. Most Americans make coffee that tastes like dirt anyway, so it cuts out the pretense, saves on transport costs, and you don’t have to worry about that “fair trade” baloney.

7. You know how putting a brick in your toilet tank will help you save water? Give it a shot with your car by putting a brick in your gas tank.

8. You can save electricity by only listening to music recorded prior to 1965. After that producers started making everything really loud, thus not only getting rid of some wonderful dynamic contrast, but also using up more energy when played in a stereo.

9. Install a small turbine generator above your shower’s drain and you could generate enough power through draining water to keep that MP3 player of yours going for minutes.

10. Commit suicide and make sure that your will stipulates that you’d like to be composted. Nothing says love like eating vegetables nourished by someone for whom you cared. Nothing could be greener, either.

So You Want to Eat an Airplane

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airplane eater

Consuming an entire aircraft is a difficult task that requires patience, hard-work and perseverance. The old saying still holds true: Preparation is the difference between eating a whole airplane and eating only half an airplane. To help prepare you for your feat of wonder, we’ve created this handy guide.

  • First determine what type of airplane you want to eat. Champions might be able to handle a Boeing 747 or a C-5 Galaxy, but for your first airplane it’s best to not go for anything larger than a Piper Cub or a Cessna.
  • Once you’ve found a suitable airplane, you’ll need to disassemble it. Remember, it doesn’t count as eating an airplane if you only eat never-assembled aircraft components. They had to have once been assembled and in flying condition or you’re not really eating an airplane, are you?
  • Sort the pieces by material type; rubber, glass, aluminum, wood or fiberglass. Mixed components like gauges go in their own separate pile.
  • There are two schools of thought on how to begin eating an entire airplane; you can start with the easy stuff like tires, seatbelts and cushions, or you can start with the difficult metal and fiberglass. While experts do differ, for a first timer it’s probably best to get the tough stuff over with first so that the rest is an easy down-hill coast to the finish line.
  • Consuming metal isn’t too difficult, once you’ve completed the difficult task of grinding it all down into a fine powder. Simply add four or five tablespoons of ground metal into your favorite sauce, yogurt, or omelet. You should probably no more than a couple of teaspoons in your coffee or soda though. Either way, you’d be surprised how much airplane you can get through in a week .
  • Unshreddable items like seatbelts or cushion stuffing can be puréed in a blender. Add some ice cream, milk and chocolate syrup for a smooth, refreshing treat.
  • Save a tire for last. Invite some friends over and bake the tire with onions, carrots and little potatoes (450 degrees for three hours). As your friends enjoy a fine meal, you can go for the big finish by eating that one last tire with a knife and fork by candlelight. Watch out for those steel belts though, they’re worse than catfish bones.
  • It should take about three to five years to get through a Cessna. Be sure to get checked out regularly for signs of metal poisoning and intestinal lacerations.
  • Once your task is complete, don’t shy away from the limelight. You’ve earned the press attention and the adulation of friends and loved ones. C’mon, you’ve actually eaten an entire airplane and how many people can say that!*
  • Don’t give up. Winners never quit and quitters never eat airplanes.

plane food

*As of this printing only eight people have ever eaten an entire airplane. Mellissa Hodges (A-10 Warthog), Kaitlin Fuller (C-5 Galaxy, Boeing 747, DC-3, B-29 Superfortress), Maureen Ridgely-Smyth (Cessna Skyhawk SP), Ellen Ridgely-Smyth (Learjet 23), Erin Ventuch (MiG 23, F35 Joint Strike Fighter), Catherine Fulcher (Spitfire), Aimee Echo (Sr-71 Blackbird, F117A Nighthawk, X87 Aurora), Molly Pepridge (Piper J3).

Historigon: Maine 2008

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The Historigon

This Month in History:

2006 AD- Looking back on his impeachment, William Jefferson Clinton is still amazed at how skillfully he managed to gain the moral high ground and play the victim after besmirching his office and lying under oath.

1991 AD- Colonel Donald Birdfeather steals a beret off a dead Iraqi Crimson Guard soldier as a gift for his young nephew.

1973 AD- The Bronx is briefly named officially as The Aquahung in a nod to liberal guilt until an crowd of The Bronxians hurl various expletive-laden insults at Mayor John V. Lindsay.

1954 AD- Joseph McCarthy correctly identifies Joseph Stalin as a member of the Communist Party.

1924 AD- Jay Gatsby and Nick Carraway enjoy a couple of illegal martinis on the lawn.

1902 AD- To the shagrin of his taxidermist, Teddy Roosevelt shoots a rhinoceros.

1888 AD- Thomas Alva Edison invents an deodorant flap for T-shirts, but then accidentally leaves the schematics on his seat after leaving the train and the advancement is lost to mankind, seemingly forever.

1776 AD- Benjamin Franklin invents the big-boned stove.

1655 AD- Aborigines begin building Ayers Rock.

1487 AD- In what would later become a world-wide romantic tradition, Aztec warrior Xoxoxo signs a love letter to his wife.

1225 AD- The Abbasid Dynasity of Caliphs is briefly interrupted when Jimmy the Leper, formerly of England, somehow wanders into the inner sanctum of the Caliphate and puts on the exalted one’s hat.

1138 AD- Pepin of Nice invents the fake animal the zykylax (a horse with the head of a dog, native to Lydia) so that he can finish up the last page of his Beastiary and head down to the tavern for a grog.

805 AD- On his death bed Te Tsung wishes he could have written better poetry for his imperial decrees.

732 AD- Abdul Rahman Al Ghafiqi leads some of the chefs of his clan across the Pyrenees in search of interesting cream sauces.

424 AD- After careful thought, St. Augustine of Hippo surmises that farting probably is a sin.

300 AD- The last lion in Armenia forgets to turn off the faucet before leaving.

122 AD- Overseers at the construction of Hadrian’s wall realize that something fishy is going on when after two months only fifteen stones have been laid.

3 AD- Menneas, after being raised to the title of Archon of Athens, comes to the realization that with the Romans running everything, his job is kind of pointless. He spends a lot of time drinking.

18 BC- Poor Onjo becomes a Korean king very much by accident.

100 BC- Thirsty Scythians in search of a good place to rest apologize for overrunning Parthia.

221 BC- Po Liu Chang, after being told “we are all China now” thinks to himself “the hell I am. Poc gai!”

321 BC- Alexander the Great and his “friend” retire for the night, but no one says anything about it.

485 BC- Gelo, the tyrant of Gela, decides to name Sicily Geland after himself, too.

540 BC- Anaximenes spends several days smashing pomegranates against his left temple.

986 BC- Solomon says to hell with the bitchy women and cuts the baby in half anyway.

3985 BC- Ushtuk creates two new signs, allowing merchants to differentiate between milk cows and beef cows.

7333 BC- Pantik the Proto-Tatar watches as the Black Sea floods the Aegean Sea. He laughs a little.

8550 BC- The domesticated bat dies out in Malaysia.

133000 BC- Calculus invented for the first time by anonymous tribesperson in what is now Zimbabwe.

The March of Progress: Maine 2008

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singing mule

Zurich, Switzerland, EU- Centuries of speculation and hope have finally led to trumumph for one dedicated team of bio-physicists at the ECIC. Despite the difficulties involved in the project, the team has proven that sometimes man can achieve the impossible.

Head researcher Lurig Goa said “Mankind’s victory in the war against God and Nature is now complete. We can create anything; truly man, through hubristic meddling in the natural order of the universe, has become the new God. This is Zeke the Yodeling Mule, our apotheosis.”

Unveiled to overwhelming applause, Zeke the Yodeling Mule stood atop a mule-sized platform at the Centre Scientifique and proceeded to yodel in a resounding manner. While no one has yet to perfect an actual yodeling mule, Zeke, the first successfully yodeling mule was described by yodeling expert Uf Tarmiksen as “competent at best.”

Whether Zeke the Yodeling Mule will help to usher in a new, more enlightening period of world-wide peace, understanding and glory has yet to be seen, but Dr. Goa was hopeful and stated “There is no problem we cannot solve, nothing we cannot create, nothing we cannot rule over; truly we are now as gods.”