Tag Archives: environmentalism

How to Do It Scott Birdseye

10 Simple Steps to “Greening-Up” Your Life

green

1. You can reduce your carbon foot print by bicycling to work. Then again, bicycles are made of aluminum that has to be stripmined. Instead construct your own bicycle out of recycled cardboard and old compost.

2. Leaving the water running while shaving or brushing your teeth can waste over 2,800 gallons of water every year. So save water by avoiding grooming like other dirty eco-nut hippies.

3. Produce has to be trucked across country just to get to your local grocery store. Why not cut down on all that fossil fuel pollution by growing your own vegetables? If you don’t have the time, just enslave some migrant workers. Don’t worry, they’re here illegally and are afraid to go to the police. So really you’ll have carte blanche in how treat them.

4. Always make sure you buy recycled products. If you can’t find recycled products, you can make your own just by rereading yesterday’s newspaper or rewiping with previously used toilet paper.

5. Solar panels can reduce your electricity and heating costs by over 83.3%. For the average American household that’s $200.00 extra dollars a month you can spend on cocaine.

6. Speaking of Colombia, you can save some land from agricultural degradation by using dirt instead of coffee grounds to make your coffee. Most Americans make coffee that tastes like dirt anyway, so it cuts out the pretense, saves on transport costs, and you don’t have to worry about that “fair trade” baloney.

7. You know how putting a brick in your toilet tank will help you save water? Give it a shot with your car by putting a brick in your gas tank.

8. You can save electricity by only listening to music recorded prior to 1965. After that producers started making everything really loud, thus not only getting rid of some wonderful dynamic contrast, but also using up more energy when played in a stereo.

9. Install a small turbine generator above your shower’s drain and you could generate enough power through draining water to keep that MP3 player of yours going for minutes.

10. Commit suicide and make sure that your will stipulates that you’d like to be composted. Nothing says love like eating vegetables nourished by someone for whom you cared. Nothing could be greener, either.

Scott Birdseye

Globalization and Puppetry

Nary a month goes by when Axes & Alleys does not receive some complaint about point number two in our September 2003 article “Helpful Hints for Protesters.” Many such letters are clearly from formerly gruntled puppet constructioneers, but a significant proportion seem to have come from a portion of the population who have had the felt pulled over their eyes. Ran Jirui responds.

“Papier mache puppets will change the world.”
- Sam Waterston, New England Blue Blood

“Grotesque effigies paraded down the metropolitan streets of the Western industrialized nations have solved monetary crisis after monetary crisis.”
- Hugh McCulloch, former Secretary of the Treasury (1865)

“I changed my tax initiatives because of them puppets.”
- George W. Bush, President Emeritus, United States of America

Look like fake quotes, don’t they? That’s because they are. And they always will be. You will never hear any of those people or anyone vaguely important say anything remotely in agreement with a positive view of puppetry vis a vis global change. In fact, on a graph with puppetry at one axis and global change at the other you will never see any positive movement because such a graph is impossible to create due to lack of data.

What you’ll find if you correlate the data on purchase of materials for the making of papier mache puppets expressly for use at anti-globalization protests is a net effect of jack squat. Even the disposal costs of such grotesqueries (as the esteemed Mr. McCulloch would put it) are less than the utility of water-soluble beer can.

In the context of the aforementioned point number two, “2. Puppetry will not create a workable interest rate,” let’s take a look at a photo of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve Bank of the United States of America:

Now, I’ll give you Donny Kohn might show up to a meeting with a sock-puppet in tow or put a papier mache manikin on the top of his Volvo, but no one listens to him anyway. There isn’t a single other member who would even look at a puppet if it was wrapped around a 50 grand note stuffed in the panties of a stripper with an economics PhD from Harvard dancing on a conference table at the Bear Stearns offices on Wall Street.

There are only three times in history when puppetry of any sort has affected anything of any consequence: Sun Tzu saw a shadow puppet play performed in what is now Thailand sometime in the 6th century B.C. which informed the final chapter of The Art of War on the use of spies, Wegbaja of Dahomey was inspired to construct a palace at Abomey around the 1650s by seeing a master puppet maker at work cementing the continuing success of that African empire, and most recently the Good Guy forces withdrew from the Aral Sea campaign as a result of the deformed representations of President Armstrong and corporate magnate Daniel Bester shown in cahoots at massive anti-war protests around the world.

Otherwise puppetry as an instigator or influencer of anything at all relevant to the grand movements of history is bunkum, a porpoise in the produce section, a flight of towels wending their way toward Saturn, three policemen in a submarine, your father wearing electrified nipple clamps at a rodeo, like smoking a cigar underwater, making love to utilitarianism, begging the question at the porn industry awards, a chair with a wart; in short, utterly ridiculous.