1. You can reduce your carbon foot print by bicycling to work. Then again, bicycles are made of aluminum that has to be stripmined. Instead construct your own bicycle out of recycled cardboard and old compost.

2. Leaving the water running while shaving or brushing your teeth can waste over 2,800 gallons of water every year. So save water by avoiding grooming like other dirty eco-nut hippies.

3. Produce has to be trucked across country just to get to your local grocery store. Why not cut down on all that fossil fuel pollution by growing your own vegetables? If you don’t have the time, just enslave some migrant workers. Don’t worry, they’re here illegally and are afraid to go to the police. So really you’ll have carte blanche in how treat them.

4. Always make sure you buy recycled products. If you can’t find recycled products, you can make your own just by rereading yesterday’s newspaper or rewiping with previously used toilet paper.

5. Solar panels can reduce your electricity and heating costs by over 83.3%. For the average American household that’s $200.00 extra dollars a month you can spend on cocaine.

6. Speaking of Colombia, you can save some land from agricultural degradation by using dirt instead of coffee grounds to make your coffee. Most Americans make coffee that tastes like dirt anyway, so it cuts out the pretense, saves on transport costs, and you don’t have to worry about that “fair trade” baloney.

7. You know how putting a brick in your toilet tank will help you save water? Give it a shot with your car by putting a brick in your gas tank.

8. You can save electricity by only listening to music recorded prior to 1965. After that producers started making everything really loud, thus not only getting rid of some wonderful dynamic contrast, but also using up more energy when played in a stereo.

9. Install a small turbine generator above your shower’s drain and you could generate enough power through draining water to keep that MP3 player of yours going for minutes.

10. Commit suicide and make sure that your will stipulates that you’d like to be composted. Nothing says love like eating vegetables nourished by someone for whom you cared. Nothing could be greener, either.