This Month in History:
2006 AD- Looking back on his impeachment, William Jefferson Clinton is still amazed at how skillfully he managed to gain the moral high ground and play the victim after besmirching his office and lying under oath.
1991 AD- Colonel Donald Birdfeather steals a beret off a dead Iraqi Crimson Guard soldier as a gift for his young nephew.
1973 AD- The Bronx is briefly named officially as The Aquahung in a nod to liberal guilt until an crowd of The Bronxians hurl various expletive-laden insults at Mayor John V. Lindsay.
1954 AD- Joseph McCarthy correctly identifies Joseph Stalin as a member of the Communist Party.
1924 AD- Jay Gatsby and Nick Carraway enjoy a couple of illegal martinis on the lawn.
1902 AD- To the shagrin of his taxidermist, Teddy Roosevelt shoots a rhinoceros.
1888 AD- Thomas Alva Edison invents an deodorant flap for T-shirts, but then accidentally leaves the schematics on his seat after leaving the train and the advancement is lost to mankind, seemingly forever.
1776 AD- Benjamin Franklin invents the big-boned stove.
1655 AD- Aborigines begin building Ayers Rock.
1487 AD- In what would later become a world-wide romantic tradition, Aztec warrior Xoxoxo signs a love letter to his wife.
1225 AD- The Abbasid Dynasity of Caliphs is briefly interrupted when Jimmy the Leper, formerly of England, somehow wanders into the inner sanctum of the Caliphate and puts on the exalted one’s hat.
1138 AD- Pepin of Nice invents the fake animal the zykylax (a horse with the head of a dog, native to Lydia) so that he can finish up the last page of his Beastiary and head down to the tavern for a grog.
805 AD- On his death bed Te Tsung wishes he could have written better poetry for his imperial decrees.
732 AD- Abdul Rahman Al Ghafiqi leads some of the chefs of his clan across the Pyrenees in search of interesting cream sauces.
424 AD- After careful thought, St. Augustine of Hippo surmises that farting probably is a sin.
300 AD- The last lion in Armenia forgets to turn off the faucet before leaving.
122 AD- Overseers at the construction of Hadrian’s wall realize that something fishy is going on when after two months only fifteen stones have been laid.
3 AD- Menneas, after being raised to the title of Archon of Athens, comes to the realization that with the Romans running everything, his job is kind of pointless. He spends a lot of time drinking.
18 BC- Poor Onjo becomes a Korean king very much by accident.
100 BC- Thirsty Scythians in search of a good place to rest apologize for overrunning Parthia.
221 BC- Po Liu Chang, after being told “we are all China now” thinks to himself “the hell I am. Poc gai!”
321 BC- Alexander the Great and his “friend” retire for the night, but no one says anything about it.
485 BC- Gelo, the tyrant of Gela, decides to name Sicily Geland after himself, too.
540 BC- Anaximenes spends several days smashing pomegranates against his left temple.
986 BC- Solomon says to hell with the bitchy women and cuts the baby in half anyway.
3985 BC- Ushtuk creates two new signs, allowing merchants to differentiate between milk cows and beef cows.
7333 BC- Pantik the Proto-Tatar watches as the Black Sea floods the Aegean Sea. He laughs a little.
8550 BC- The domesticated bat dies out in Malaysia.
133000 BC- Calculus invented for the first time by anonymous tribesperson in what is now Zimbabwe.