Axes and Alleys: the most Leviticus-friendly tractor related publication out there. Period.

This month, Axes & Alleys will explore the vast depths of the human psyche, the highest reaches of inner space, the widest territories of late-Medieval Czech colloquialisms and the brightest points of fog science. We regret this momentary departure from tractor-related reporting and reviewing, but two factors have brought us to this temporary impasse.

The tractor industry has been in a slump during the first quarter. No new models have been added to any of the major tractor manufacturing companies, including Snuggies Tract’s, Parsimmon Horsepower Extravaganza or Buffalo Power Sowing.

Also, due to Kalisotta House Bill 3619.3, passed by a four vote margin in February, Axes & Alleys is also required to publish one non-tractorial issue per annum in accordance with Section 3, Paragraph 75, sub-section H, clause 1.

Our sister publication, Cosmopolitan Nun’s Home Journal will feature many articles on tractor repair and maintenance this month in order to better serve our readers, however the bulk of the magazine will still be devoted to such topics as the proper technique with which to give the Saviour oral sex and proper table settings for a visiting Abbott and retinue.

Again, we offer our sincerest apologies, but we sincerely hope you enjoy this momentary departure from our normal standards. We’ve attempted to make it as entertaining as possible for you, our dear reader.

xxx ooo

Delores R. Grunion

Hello good readers,

This month, we the writers, publishers and editors of this fine periodical have decided that, while we have had much success in the past, the time has come to move forward into a bigger and better world

Therefore, for this edition, we have elicited the help of our good friend and colleague Doctor Edward Morbius in our continued effort to improve our lovely trade publication. With his guidance, we were introduced to the wonders of Krell brain enhancing machinery

Though this enhancement produced an invisible energy id beast that wrecked a great portion of our staff offices, we hope you enjoy this edition, made better through the utilization of the technology of ancient dead races.

Hello boys and girls, I am Supreme Allied Commander General Dwight David Eisenhower, but my friends call me “Ike.” For many years I have been a devoted reader of this fine magazine. Why, heck, during the planning stages of Operation Neptune, the Allied invasion of Normandy, I spent many a quiet evening delighting in the quality tractor repair and maintenance information contained in the pages of Axes & Alleys. Continue reading →

Featuring the Illuminati, Serialized Moon Fiction, Biology, and the Latest News from Norway!

A VERY SPECIAL END-OF-THE-WORLD ISSUE

We here at Axes and Alleys must report the latest very unfortunate news. It seems as though this world we have come to love and dwell upon is coming to an end next Tuesday. Therefore, we must apologize as this will be our final issue.

This was first brought to our attention when Dr. Sigmund G. Folive, our resident Egyptologist, turned in his latest report on the precise scientific measurement of the Great Pyramid of Cheops in Egypt.

It seems that when one multiplies the height of the Pyramid (481 ft.) by the measurements of the bases (4 x 775.75) and then multiplies that number by the degree of inclination (51?) and then divides the total by the number of blocks used in the construction (2,300,000); and when this sum is multiplied by the number of stars in the Milky Way Galaxy (605,166,825.22) you get the number 20,031,021,915 which corresponds to the date October 21st, 2003 at 9:15. Archaeologists are not sure, however, as to whether this indicates an evening or morning apocalypse.

They are certain, though, that this is correct as they have found hieroglyphs which state that the Pyramid was built specifically for the purpose of determining the end of the year by using the Neo-Gregorian calendar and modern Imperial units of measurement. So, readers, enjoy this last issue and have a nice Doomsday.

Issue 18 featurs such exciting things as buckets, teddy bears, cooking recipes, and even helpful hints for protesters.

A Message from the Publisher

Dear Reader,

Here at the Royal Tractor Repair and Maintenance Society of Outer Mongolia, we have always striven to bring you the very best in tractor repair and maintenance related information. I’m sure you are well aware of this, of course.

This issue, however, is of utmost import; for you see, gentle reader, this is our centennial issue. This journal was begun in the year 1903, back in the time when life was simple and folks were God-fearing and dared not speak of things unspeakable.

A lot has changed in the past one hundred years. Mankind has conquered the air, set food upon the surface of the Moon, invented Silly Putty™ and calculated pi (π) to the quadrillionth decimal. Yet despite these changes we still remain, irrevocably, human. We still fear clowns and spiders, still get hit in the head when we step upon the non-manipulatory section of a rake, and still harbor a deep hatred of brown-skinned peoples.

So, my dear readers, when you partake of this particular issue remember, if you will, that in the past century we have learned much, forgotten more and have had a few things just on the tip of our collective tongues. May God bless and may the next five scores provide as much excitement, terror and joy as the past ten decades have.

Sir Lionel Buxton Humbridge