Tag Archives: Jeremy Rosen

Historigon: Clauduary 2006

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historigon

During This Month in History:

  • 2005 AD: Axes & Alleys’ offices enter their second month without a secretary. Almost every staff member has started coming unglued by this point and documentation of the period is scant.
  • 2004 AD: President Dick Armstrong wins the Radford, Virginia Bird Call Competition for a third year straight when his near-perfect Alaskan gray mallard call scores an astonishing 9.4.
  • 1982 AD: After declaring war on the decadent West, the Soviet Union and the People’s Republic of China jointly invade India in retaliation for the destruction of a Soviet transport in the Black Sea by a British destroyer.
  • 1971 AD: Pop-Artist Andy Warhol sits in his underpants eating cornflakes and watching cartoons for two and a half days straight.
  • 1947 AD: Howard Hughes accidentally impregnates a crashed Dran visitor, who gives birth to a male child in 1948. With his origin covered up by the Illuminati, the infant William Gibson is adopted by a couple in South Carolina, who never reveal the truth about his past.
  • 1943 AD: General Douglas MacArthur defeats Chiang Kai Shek in a bout of bare-knuckled pugilism, enabling U.S. Army Private First Class Phillip Donner to win $4,000.
  • 1912 AD: Suffragette Elizabeth “Kitty” Standon dons a five foot diameter, eighty-three stone hat which causes her to topple over before she can ever chain herself to a railing.
  • 1899 AD: Jakob Schwartzkinderpopologan invented the cathode ray cone, an almost completely non-functional predecessor to the tubes found in most modern televisions.
  • 1865 AD: Corporal Ebenezer Johnson becomes the last person to die in the Civil War when he chokes on a peanut eight minutes before Lee’s famous surrender at Appomattox Courthouse.
  • 1854 AD: Future president Horace B. Borden spends five days inconsolable over the loss of his favorite pair of shoes. The shoes are eventually found behind a divan and all ends well.
  • 1721 AD: Sir Seymour Dial Button invents the knob.
  • 1603 AD: Skippy Sellase, a close relative of the Ethiopian Emperor, unwisely points out that the empire’s not terribly impressive.
  • 1532 AD: Hungarian explorer Jan Troplovich becomes the 328th person to discover the New World.
  • 1333 AD: Nuctuhualpayo, an ingenious Incan man, creates a wheeled cart for transporting goods. His village is not impressed. Several weeks later he attaches the cart to an alpaca, creating the New World’s first coach. He is incessantly mocked for the invention’s ridiculous appearance and quickly abandons it.
  • 1066 AD: William the Bastard of Normandy, on his way to board a boat steps on a frog, causing him to careen into a nearby fruit stand where his head gets stuck in a large melon, blinding him so that he steps on a hoe which smacks him in the head, knocking him back into a pile of cow manure which subsequently catches on fire. He is able to turn this into a good omen by proclaiming “Shit, I hate the Anglo-Saxons.”
  • 89 BC: Sulla and Marius both arrive at an orgy wearing the same toga style in an event which would eventually prove disastrous for the Roman Republic.
  • 1290 BC: Yatkub ben Gelafa, formerly part of the Exodus made famous by God’s The Bible, sneaks back into Egypt to retrieve his favorite loin cloth.
  • 3280 BC: Shokindush of Ur invents the wheel after his ninth unsuccessful attempt to invent the donut.
  • 14102 BC: While others around him are slowly getting to know wolves, sheep, goats and oxen a little better, Trufgor thinks frogs could be mighty useful friends.

How to Write the Perfect Resume

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Perfect Resume
Unless you’re a trust-fund kid whose parents have more money than God, you’ll need a job. Unfortunately, finding a job, much less a career, can be a difficult, stressful and annoying project. One thing that will help make the search a bit easier is a killer resumé.

  1. Don’t try to go overboard on the style. While everyone wants their resume to stand out, try to limit the use of the windings font to four characters per sentence.
  2. Make sure that you put your name on the paper.
  3. You can lie on a resumé, but don’t make your lies too big or they’ll be unbelievable. They might buy your the last four years of TV watching as a “furniture tester experience,” but definitely won’t believe that you invented the light bulb, served as Vice President of Norway or played the title character in E.T. The Extra Terrestrial.
  4. If you do end up claiming you played the title character in E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, practice saying “Bee” in a weird voice so you can maybe try to prove it.
  5. The interviewer might ask some background questions about your E.T. experience; make sure you do some research. You could for instance mention that Drew Barrymore is a vegetarian and animal rights nut. Maybe invent a funny anecdote about Steven Spielberg and an accident with a blueberry pie.
  6. Make sure you figure out how exactly you played E.T. Remember, the more details you can provide the better. Were you a puppeteer or did you provide voice work? Chances are someone at the company has seen E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, so know what you’re talking about.
  7. Don’t try to impress the interviewer by offering them a small part in E.T. The Extra Terrestrial 2: Revenge of the Phoenix. There is no such movie and a quick look through Variety will reveal your boast as a lie.
  8. It may be helpful to bring along some memorabilia of your E.T. The Extra Terrestrial experience to help prove your case. You could forge some pictures of yourself with Henry Thomas or even have a friend call during the interview claiming to be Dee Wallace-Stone.
  9. In case they should check, hack into the Internet Movie Database and add your name to the cast list for E.T. The Extra Terrestrial.
  10. Should the interviewer have actually been involved with the production of E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, don’t panic. Just casually mention something about the upcoming cast and crew reunion in Pasadena and then quickly change the subject.

    11. Yes, writing a resumé can be difficult, but by following the above tips you can be certain
    that you’ll have a lucrative career in no time. Good luck.

The March of Progress: Clauduary 2006

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Low Mineral Diet

Glamorous Celebrities, Not Emaciated POWs: Actress Miranda Chase and her Best Friend Forever (BFF) Lucy Borden look horrid, disgusting, skeletal and fabulous thanks to the newest fad, the low-mineral Trap Diet.

Miranda Chase, A-list star of the new film Any Thursday, stated in her latest press junket thats she’s an adherent to Dr. Michael Trap’s new low-mineral diet. She’s not alone in this new diet fad. The Trap Diet allows people to eat whatever they want, as long as they maintain low mineral content in their diets.

“The aircraft carrier Nimitiz, displaces one hundred thousand tons, and what do you think that’s made of? It’s made of minerals,” stated Dr. Trap. “Would you eat a hammer? Hammers are heavy and every time you eat minerals you’re essentially eating a hammer.”

Always lovely and roughly skeletal in shape, Ms. Chase defended the Trap Diet which has come under fire from those who practice common sense. “Mountains are big and fat and heavy. I don’t ever want to eat a mountain, or a train or anything else made of minerals; like a geode or a tongs.”

While scientists, doctors, nutritionists and those with common sense are still skeptical, the low-mineral Trap Diet remains popular with those who have already tried and failed on such previous fads as the low carb, low fat, low protein and low vitamin diets.