How to Write the Perfect Resume

Perfect Resume
Unless you’re a trust-fund kid whose parents have more money than God, you’ll need a job. Unfortunately, finding a job, much less a career, can be a difficult, stressful and annoying project. One thing that will help make the search a bit easier is a killer resumé.

  1. Don’t try to go overboard on the style. While everyone wants their resume to stand out, try to limit the use of the windings font to four characters per sentence.
  2. Make sure that you put your name on the paper.
  3. You can lie on a resumé, but don’t make your lies too big or they’ll be unbelievable. They might buy your the last four years of TV watching as a “furniture tester experience,” but definitely won’t believe that you invented the light bulb, served as Vice President of Norway or played the title character in E.T. The Extra Terrestrial.
  4. If you do end up claiming you played the title character in E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, practice saying “Bee” in a weird voice so you can maybe try to prove it.
  5. The interviewer might ask some background questions about your E.T. experience; make sure you do some research. You could for instance mention that Drew Barrymore is a vegetarian and animal rights nut. Maybe invent a funny anecdote about Steven Spielberg and an accident with a blueberry pie.
  6. Make sure you figure out how exactly you played E.T. Remember, the more details you can provide the better. Were you a puppeteer or did you provide voice work? Chances are someone at the company has seen E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, so know what you’re talking about.
  7. Don’t try to impress the interviewer by offering them a small part in E.T. The Extra Terrestrial 2: Revenge of the Phoenix. There is no such movie and a quick look through Variety will reveal your boast as a lie.
  8. It may be helpful to bring along some memorabilia of your E.T. The Extra Terrestrial experience to help prove your case. You could forge some pictures of yourself with Henry Thomas or even have a friend call during the interview claiming to be Dee Wallace-Stone.
  9. In case they should check, hack into the Internet Movie Database and add your name to the cast list for E.T. The Extra Terrestrial.
  10. Should the interviewer have actually been involved with the production of E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, don’t panic. Just casually mention something about the upcoming cast and crew reunion in Pasadena and then quickly change the subject.
  11. Yes, writing a resumé can be difficult, but by following the above tips you can be certain
    that you’ll have a lucrative career in no time. Good luck.



Jameson Piffle is a member of Local 106 of the National Union of Funerary Artists and Blacksmiths in LeBratt, Accadia. He has been a gravedigger for six months. Previously he served as steward’s mate on the Lake Pencil express ferry.

Some people like to say they’re pretty good at things. Well, I’m not. Pretty good basically says you’re almost good. I’m not almost good at grave digging. I am a good gravedigger. Yes, I am a really good grave digger.

One of the most important parts of digging a grave is to get the depth right. A lot of novice grave technicians are blinded by that old wive’s tale about the grave being six feet deep. A proper grave hole is six feet, five inches deep. Even experienced gravers get the depth wrong. But not me. Always six feet, five inches on the dot. I use a tape measure.

There are guys who skimp on the corners. You would think this wasn’t a big deal because the coffin’s going to go in and they’re going to fill in the dirt, so who cares about corners. You would be wrong in every way. A proper, cheerful-looking grave needs some sharp corners. That’s why I use a drafting T. It’s only a couple of extra minutes and the widows do so appreciate the effort.

Tarps are probably the most important maintenance precaution needed in the task of grave digging. Without a good tarp, all the work you put into good corners and just the right depth gets ruined by passing rain or even dew in the morning. Professionals prefer blue tarps, but some amateurs have been making advances in patterned tarps. I still prefer the blue, though. You can’t go wrong with a blue tarp. Make sure to weigh down the corners with some old bricks or chipped grave stones.

Now sometimes if you’re working a double shift, the Cemetery Captain might ask you to help fill in a hole here and there. Sometimes it’s busy, sometimes there’s just no one else around to help out. A lot of grave diggers turn up their noses at this kind of work because we’re grave diggers, not grave fillers. They’re a whole other union. But, I think you have to do what needs to get done, and if there’s filling needed and I’m around, I’ll be a grave filler for a couple of minutes.

Something special I like to do when no one is looking is spruce up the flowers on the graves. I don’t do this because I’m embarrassed, but because the Florists Local gets pretty darned upset if they catch you doing their job. I always think, though, that a nice cheerful grave needs some cheerful foliage, so I try to do my part.

And there you have it. I’ve met all three points for being a good grave digger, plus two points of things grave diggers don’t normally do.

I am a good grave digger.

From the Desk of Raymond Ryles

Sanitation Comptroller


Let’s face it, the world is full of trash. Everything you buy or don’t eat eventually becomes trash. Without garbage men our cities would be waist deep in filth. And without trucks, the garbage men couldn’t do their job. It follows that without maintenance, those trucks wouldn’t work. Yep, and without an allotment in the annual budget there wouldn’t be any truck maintenance. And of course, there’s the last part of it, the keystone of the whole operation; me. I’m the Sanitation Comptroller.

It’s my job to oversee the filing of the paperwork submitted by the Sanitation Department’s Vehicle Maintenance Division, the V.M.D. as we call it in shorthand. There’s the pink form first, that’s the BM108, the Outgoing Expenditures Report. It’s pink because the white copy goes to the Office of Budget Management, that’s under the City Manager whose name is Tom Roland. There’s another pink form which has no official number, it’s just the Allocation and Resources form. Last but not least is the all important Operations Report, which I get the white copy of. That one gets filed away, but not before I review it.

All of these forms need to be stamped with a date when they are received. The BM108 is always delivered to our office in the City Hall, via the inter-office mail. Reggie, the mail guy, brings that one by because the V.M.D. has their offices on the fourth floor. My office is on the fifth floor, near the handicap restroom. Now, the forms sometimes get mailed via the postal service, but the Operations Report can be mailed or emailed, once it was even faxed. Those get sent over from all the garages where they do the maintenance. There’s one for each of the districts.

Here in the Sanitation Department, we have our own way of dividing up the town. There are six districts, named so for their locations. Each has its own maintenance crews and depots, even though the V.M.D.’s main office is in City Hall, on the fourth floor, remember. It’s a damn fine job and let’s face it, I do a damn fine job. I think that maybe, in a past life, I must have been a Viking, because I really enjoy filing paperwork. Yep, I’m the Sanitation Comptroller.

You know where to find me; Fifth floor, near the handicap bathroom.


“I’m the Sanitation Comptroller. It’s my job to oversee the filing of the paper work.”