Volume 456-BR7 Issue 4

cover7

Axes & Alleys: No Longer Available in Finland as Dictated by the Papacy

A Special Commemorative Issue

Celebrating Fifty Years of Underpants

While we here at Axes and Alleys normally shy away from specialized issues and other cheap tricks, we have recently realized that such tricks do actually enable us to sell more issues. Hence our new policy of putting photographs of nearly nude women on our cover. And hence this, a specialized commemorative issue.

Of course, we will never fail to bring you the best in tractor repair and maintenance information, but now all our up-to-date, highly informative, tractor-related articles will also feature flashy graphics, big colorful ads and lots of pictures of scantily clad women.

Welcome to the new era for Axes & Alleys and join us as we celebrate 50 Years of wonderful underpants. Cheers.

Volume 456-BR7 Issue 2

cover6

Axes and Alleys: the most Leviticus-friendly tractor related publication out there. Period.

This month, Axes & Alleys will explore the vast depths of the human psyche, the highest reaches of inner space, the widest territories of late-Medieval Czech colloquialisms and the brightest points of fog science. We regret this momentary departure from tractor-related reporting and reviewing, but two factors have brought us to this temporary impasse.

The tractor industry has been in a slump during the first quarter. No new models have been added to any of the major tractor manufacturing companies, including Snuggies Tract’s, Parsimmon Horsepower Extravaganza or Buffalo Power Sowing.

Also, due to Kalisotta House Bill 3619.3, passed by a four vote margin in February, Axes & Alleys is also required to publish one non-tractorial issue per annum in accordance with Section 3, Paragraph 75, sub-section H, clause 1.

Our sister publication, Cosmopolitan Nun’s Home Journal will feature many articles on tractor repair and maintenance this month in order to better serve our readers, however the bulk of the magazine will still be devoted to such topics as the proper technique with which to give the Saviour oral sex and proper table settings for a visiting Abbott and retinue.

Again, we offer our sincerest apologies, but we sincerely hope you enjoy this momentary departure from our normal standards. We’ve attempted to make it as entertaining as possible for you, our dear reader.

xxx ooo

Delores R. Grunion

A Commemoration: Much High Honour to John Hollis

john hollis

Not much is known about John Hollis. He was born in 1931 in the United Kingdom and in 1980, at the age of forty-nine, he appeared as Lobot the cyborg aide of Lando Calrissian, administrator of the Bespin tibanna gas mine, in the Irvin Kershner film Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. He also appeared in the James Bond film For Your Eyes Only, where he portrayed Ernst Stavro Blofeld, another important bald character. Also appearing in the film For Your Eyes Only was British actor Jeremy Bulloch, who portrayed the character of Smithers. Bulloch is, however, most noted for playing the intergalactic bounty hunter Boba Fett, son of Jengo Fett, in the film Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Thus, does the world come full circle.

Our Guide to Novenclature: Part I

Illuminated Novenclature

radgerbadger, alt. radgerbadgery: (N): a continuous and boisterous bustle.

novenclature: (N) a collection of new or novel words.

centraenious: (adj.) of or about, pertaining to the meaning of life.

infaction: (N) the act or state of being the first to accomplish an insignificant task or deed.

infact: (V) to accomplish a task of a minor nature in the primal fashion within a particularly defined set.

Conjugation: I did infaect. I am infacta. I will infact. He infaect. He is infacto. He will infact. They infaect. They are infaecti. The will infact.

deulapainry: (N) of, about, or pertaining to sandwiches.

Xenosprimt: (N) An unknowable and uninvolved, mathematically minded creator of a cosmos, who takes no personal interest in the lives or feelings of the sentient beings or other entities which inhabit said cosmos. The “God” spoken of by a person who upholds the Deist philosophy.

parapheme: (V; reg.) the act of uttering a blasphemous expletive, the antecedent of which is rooted in a religion which the utterer does not follow.

bellamure: (V; reg.) the act of punching a hole through a wall.

bellamurequence: (N) a hole which has been punched through a wall.

crattera: (N) the sound of hot water running through radiator pipes in the early hours of the morning in an otherwise still abode.

enimachic: (adj.) having a speech pattern which resembles the sound of a locomotive engine.

chronocator: (N) one who must, by compulsatory motivation, continually check the time.

sonuate: (N) the sound resulting from the opening of a carbonated beverage.

palloralate: (V; reg.) to purse one’s lips whilst reading.

glutambulate: (V; reg.) to arrange one’s gluttal area so as to emit flatulence inconspicuously.

elapquipitory: (adj.) in the manner of baseless choosiness between two or more similar beverages.

flumpor: (N) the sound of smoking a cigarette.

flumpar: (V) to make obvious sounds while smoking a cigarette.
Conjugation: I flumparr. I am flump. I will flumpar. He flumparr. He is flump. He will flumpar. They flumparri. They are flumper. They will flumpar.

orninathix: (N) a specious or inane debate.

labeola: (V; reg.) the licking of a nipple in a sexual fashion.

aureolate: (V; reg.) the licking of a nipple in a non-sexual fashion.

macrofactor: (N) a person working in a menial capacity who attributes undue importance to themselves.

exoburban: (adj.) the portion of a territory on the periphery between urban and suburban, or between suburban and rural areas.

prophemism: (N) an expletive meaning exactly what it says. The antonym of euphemism.

aroundtothrough: (prep.) indicating a going around, to, and through something in a linear fashion.

capracious: (adj.) in a goatlike manner.

shoe: (V; reg.) to stick a finger in one’s own eye and scream.

sonambumate: (V; reg.) to fornicate while sleepwalking.

vestitry: (N) that which is related to the manufacture of vests or vest related material.

morpheavoiture: (N) a car which appears in a dream.

cannisaleatorornamentum: (N) a picture of dogs playing poker.

Entertainments for Learned Gentlemen

A Philosophical Discourse
By Ludwig “Red” Sampers

Red Sampers

Position: Third Base
Career Average: .248
RBI: 125
HR: 27
YKFFPL: 0.
1901-1903 Poughkeepsie Pirates
1903-1908 Norfolk Mariners
1909-1919 Staten Island Jackhawks
1920-1922 Salt Lake City Plaid Stockings

Now, a funny thing about the Universe, is that within it there are many separate entities which in themselves function as entities, and that when extrapolated become no more a part of themselves than a part of the whole. Well now, that didn’t make any sense. Okay, you see, the Universe, is composed of five elements, or entities, not to be confused with the dimensions, of which there are twenty six , or possible ten, or maybe five, something along those lines, I’m not entirely sure. Wait, I’m diverging a bit. Okay, five elements, and these are matter, energy, time, space and entropy. Now, I know you’re saying that time doesn’t exist. Well, it doesn’t, except below the fourth dimension, but anyway, time of course is a figment of the imagination and exists only in the minds of the lower creatures as a means of perceiving the flow of entropy. So, nix on time then, so there are really four elements, matter, energy, space and entropy.

Now, space is also a bit of a problem, because as we all know that the Universe can be condensed into a singularity, at which point space would be compacted into a non-spatial dimension, the zero dimension, or a singularity, you know, a point with no dimensions. Now, if you expand the Universe from a non dimension point it grows to fill said area, however the very essence of space was compacted within the singularity, so what then does the Universe expand into? Nothing. Therefore, space is nothing, and cannot exist.

So, we have three elements left, matter, energy, and entropy. Now, without a space to exist within, matter and energy cannot exist, which means we are left with only one part, which is entropy. And, since entropy is the change and motion of matter and energy, it cannot exist, since neither matter nor energy exist, since they don’t have anywhere to be. Where does that leave us then? The Universe has no elements, since time, space, matter, energy, and entropy cannot exist logically. Hence, since the Universe has no elements, then it has no existence. Therefore, young students, if you wish to know the nature of the Universe, then here is your answer: nothing. The Universe doesn’t exist, can’t exist, and has never existed.

vests