December 2005 Issue Preview
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Category Archives: Stuff & Things
The Mustache Menace
A Harrowing Look at Mustaches
Across this world of ours a great many people have been taken in by the hypnotizing mustache menace. Little do they realize how dangerous mustaches can be. From the delicately queer handlebar of Salvador Dali, to the little brush muff of Charlie Chaplain, mustaches pose an ever greater threat to human kind each day.
We are quite familiar with the mustachioed villains of the past. Their pictures stand before us in books which feature pictures and as we stare at their horrid visages we cannot help but shudder at the mustachioed monstrosities before us.
There is a serious link between mustaches and evil. This fact cannot be disputed. With the help of special Theoretical Historio-Reconstructionists, we now present you with an alternate history of the world; the history of the world free from mustaches and their vileness. These famous mustachioed rogues have now been replaced by friendlier, clean-shaven versions.
Remember, the next time you see a man with a mustache run away, run quickly and don’t look back lest their facial hair consume you with its wickedness.
The PTA is Evil
A Noted Diatribe by Respected Columnist
Eliza Roark
John Cantor is Welder-in-Residence at the Connecticut Society for Welding. Ms. Cantor has extensive experience in both arc and static welding and also likes men who own their own orange groves.
What on Earth is wrong with the PTA? Every single time I read about the PTA I hear about some new atrocity they’ve committed. For instance, a while back there were the stories, albeit urban legends but stories nonetheless, about how a few members of the PTA lured some wayward boys, gang members, and bicycle enthusiasts to a remote cabin deep in the forgotten Hallmet Woodlands. Once inside the cabin, so the stories go, the PTA members attached electrodes to their victims’ genitals and then proceeded to poke them with heavily sharpened sticks.
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On the Subject of Things
by Amanda Siberia
Although few people are aware, things are quite easily classified. Carolus Linnaeus attempted to classify things based upon their similarities, others have attempted to classify things based upon their function, their shape, or their color. One Dr. Reginald Hoober once attempted to classify things based upon the noises they make when stepped upon. There are numerous ways to classify things, but only one correct way.
The Herkimer-Bose Scale puts all things ever in existence into one of three sets. According to this quite authoritative scale things are either Stupid, Cool, or Neutral. Thousands upon thousands of scientists and philosophers, not to mention sciensosophers, have measured thousands upon thousands of objects, things and bits of stuff according to this scale. They have been able to prove the nature of things to an accuracy of seven thousand decimal places.
Rocks are cool. The earth is made of rocks and rocks are everywhere. They come in a variety of sizes and have many uses.
Chimpanzees are cool because of their human-like behavior. It’s funny to see chimpanzees ride tricycles, smoke cigars and wear diapers.
Matzo is cool as it’s bread without yeast. It’s very crunchy and tasty and if you find the afikomen then it makes Passover all the more special.
Tires are neutral. You just can’t really get into tires. It’s sort of interesting that in England they spell it “tyres,” but it’s really not that interesting.
The Dead Sea is neutral. Sure, it’s full of salt and everyone floats in it, but it’s still just a bunch of water in the middle of a desert. Whoop-de-friggin’ do.
Albert Einstein is neutral. While he formulated a lot of interesting theories and had a neat mustache, he also spent a lot of time espousing socialism and political nonsense. Plus, he turned down the presidency of Israel.
Lip-synching is stupid. Either sing the song or don’t. Moving your lips to the words of a song is just pointless. I know you’re not singing, so why bother pretending. And lip-synching is especially stupid when it’s coupled with dancing. What, are you too useless to be able to sing and dance at the same time? Have to lip-synch while you contort your body? Who cares? I sure as hell don’t.
Picture frames are stupid. Do I really need a bit of wood to border my picture? What, the picture itself isn’t good enough…not wall worthy unless it’s got a bit of wood stuck up around the outside. Who thinks up this nonsense?
Bishops are stupid. Why do we need bishops anyway? We have the Pope and parish priests, what, these people can’t communicate? Ever heard of the internet you dumb Catholic weeds? Plus, bishops only move diagonally, I already have a queen that can do that and a lot more. For Christ’s sake, work this out before you put on the silly little hat.
Indeed, everything in the universe that has ever existed, currently exists or will exist fits in to one of these three categories. No doubt this information will introduce a new era of organization and classification, and will allow humanity an ever greater understanding of both things and stuff.
Cubes on the Battlefront
An Enlightened Editorial by Dave Hundai
Dave Hundai is a most remarkable man who has killed no fewer than four great white sharks with his bare hands.
Throughout the past week we have received report after report of alarming events concerning the actions of naval fleets on or below the ocean’s surface. At once the Good Guys seem to have gained the advantage, then the Bad Guys show up to ruin their aquatic cake party, then the Good Guys give a right solid kick up the Bad Guys’ backsides and the dance starts all over again. It can be disconcerting.
This new naval conflict, as it stands, presents an exciting opportunity for us to review the subject of cubes. There are many different types of cubes currently involved in this growing war and each type of cube illustrates a unique aspect of the ongoing situation. Though many, including Toynbee and Balzac, have written before on the subjects of cubes and naval warfare, the last word, so to speak, has not yet been spoken.
For starters, the Ladies’ Homefront Association of Ponderada had dispatched thousands of care packages to the brave men and women serving valiantly with the Good Guy Navy. Alternately, the Guild of Special Means Warfare has dispatched thousands of uncaring packages, containing bombs and ultra-sharp razor blades, to the despicable war criminals of the Bad Guy Fleet. The care packages, getting back to the main point here, contain many important morale boosters for our men and women including, but not limited to, fresh cherries, rubber condoms, orange flavored toothpaste, unbreakable combs, bottle openers, latex gloves, personal lubricant, and for the sailors’ entertainment; pornographic magazines and Rubik’s cubes.
Of all the sailors I have spoken with over these past few harrowing weeks, roughly 93.4% were overwhelmingly happy with their Rubik’s cubes. Many sailors attempted to solve one side of the puzzle first, before attempting to work the other sides. Instead, others focused on solving the corners while their compatriots set their sights on the center square of each of the six sides. The more disreputable of seamen, many of whom worked in the pumping stations, attempted to peel off the colored stickers so as to solve the puzzle by cheating. Regardless of which method chosen, the fighting people we spoke to all enjoyed Rubik’s cubes.
Yet, Rubik’s is not the only important cube in the current situation. Good Guy Admiral “G” spoke to us of the Navy’s dependency on other sorts of cube. “Sailors,” he said “need drinks, both for refreshment and for the purposes of intoxication. To maintain morale and fighting spirit, we like the drinks to be cold.” The Admiral then spoke to us of the importance of cubes of ice, or ice cubes, which are frigid crystallized equilateral hexahedrons composed of water. These ice cubes help keep drinks cold, helping sailors to win battles. “War,” shouted the Admiral at no one in particular “comes down to ice; victors have it, losers drink warm slop.”
Whichever type of cube you prefer, it is no doubt of great importance to the Good Guy Navy, which depends on cubes to assure victory. Here’s to cubes, and here’s to Victory!
To learn how you can help support our men and women in uniform across, under and on the seas, please feel free to contact Delores R. Sturgeon of the Ladies’ Homefront Association of Ponderada at www.lhap.org. Ladie’s Homefront Association of Ponderada coffee mugs and tote bags are avialable for a minimal donation.