How to be America’s First Evil Dictator
by Dave Shmerson
Dave Shmerson is the writer of several informative pamphlets on the subject of knot tying for seamen as well as a mid-level party func-tionary in the People’s Republic of Mongolia and ambassador plenipo-tentiary to the Unified Nations, an alternative to the United Nations.
America is clearly in need of its first evil dictator. While Aaron Burr’s attempt was essentially stillborn and Calvin Coolidge failed completely in showing any sign of antagonistic tyranny, it is still possible for one of you to be at the forefront of fascist autocracy in America.
Here’s how: Found your political party. Complicated? Not at all. Merely register with your state elections board, then grab a bunch of friends or like-minded folks you meet at the bar, Sunday school or singles picnics sponsored by on-line dating sites. Build on this through compulsion. Nothing makes someone want to join your party more than the capture and threatened ruthless murder of close relatives. You may also wish to try poison.
With your base firmly established, you can now go on to forcefully spread the word. Ideally The Party of Evil will have catchy branding and forced ballot access in all 50 states. Target that all-important 18-24 demographic with ads touting The POE. Avoid Edgar Allen references and play on people’s fears. They won’t know what a fright they’re in for after they vote you in.
Say anything to get a vote. It may seem like politicians already do this, but they really don’t. The POE will say absolutely anything to get a vote. When cornered by journalists, threaten the lives of themselves and their families. As you can see, using the relations of those placing themselves as obstacles in your way is an important tactic in furthering your career as an evil dictator. Make sure to keep in practice with unruly grocery store clerks and perfume sprayers at department stores. You will also be spending a lot of time in grocery and department stores, but we’ll get to that later.
Spend most of your campaign money on issue ads directed at destroying the Moon. This is not only classic evil, but will draw attention to The POE and away from the two major parties. Make sure to spend Sunday mornings listing reasons why the Moon will be destroyed. Do not threaten Sunday morning commentators. They are an already prepared arm of evil and should be coddled. Whenever the “opposition” is given an opportunity to speak, interrupt, lambast and bring the conversation back to the topic of the Moon. You’ll win handily every time.
You may be asked about our interactions with international powers. Be aggressive with foreign relations. When asked policy questions, respond that our enemies will be destroyed by our grand, victorious armies. Shake your fist and vow to finish what James K. Polk started.
Criticize historic dictators whenever asked about the policies of the incumbent. Say how soft Stalin was on political opponents. Carry around a pyramid of grapefruit which demonstrates the proper way to stack skulls. Make sure to deride Pol Pot’s method. Compare yourself favourably. Threaten critical opinion writers. Send your “men” around to their houses early in the morning and late at night. They don’t have to do anything they just have to be there, though an occasional menacing glare helps. Send strange packages and have your lackeys call in bomb threats on their homes. It’s not high political manoeuvring, but it sure is fun.
Falsely identify generals and admirals as military allies. Hint at the words “junta” and “coup.” Force them to defend the ridiculous allegations, bringing you publicity. If you see any sign that their defences are being taken seriously, comment on their fair-weather attitude and lacklustre military prowess. Ask about the last time they fought a successful war.
In the week before the election, state that you’re not sure what party members will do at the polls. Tell reporters that you really have no control over what your partisans will do (you can joke about this back at the POE lounge later). Make voters feel unsafe. Post uniformed party members one foot past the legal bounds for campaign workers near polling places.
On election day, ride through a major city in the tank you bought earlier in the year. Have your face painted on the side of the war machine. Cackle a lot. Once you’ve won, immediately storm the White House and remove the current occupant. You don’t want any lame duck officer creating policy before your ascendance. Force the Chief Justice to swear you in, then have him shot. What you do with the office of President is really up to you, but remember the three keys to being a dictator.
1. Always kill the overconfident underling.
2. Make sure to eat one strange combination of foods.
3. Great uniforms.