by Amanda Siberia

Although few people are aware, things are quite easily classified. Carolus Linnaeus attempted to classify things based upon their similarities, others have attempted to classify things based upon their function, their shape, or their color. One Dr. Reginald Hoober once attempted to classify things based upon the noises they make when stepped upon. There are numerous ways to classify things, but only one correct way.

The Herkimer-Bose Scale puts all things ever in existence into one of three sets. According to this quite authoritative scale things are either Stupid, Cool, or Neutral. Thousands upon thousands of scientists and philosophers, not to mention sciensosophers, have measured thousands upon thousands of objects, things and bits of stuff according to this scale. They have been able to prove the nature of things to an accuracy of seven thousand decimal places.

Rocks are cool. The earth is made of rocks and rocks are everywhere. They come in a variety of sizes and have many uses.

Chimpanzees are cool because of their human-like behavior. It’s funny to see chimpanzees ride tricycles, smoke cigars and wear diapers.

Matzo is cool as it’s bread without yeast. It’s very crunchy and tasty and if you find the afikomen then it makes Passover all the more special.

Tires are neutral. You just can’t really get into tires. It’s sort of interesting that in England they spell it “tyres,” but it’s really not that interesting.

The Dead Sea is neutral. Sure, it’s full of salt and everyone floats in it, but it’s still just a bunch of water in the middle of a desert. Whoop-de-friggin’ do.

Albert Einstein is neutral. While he formulated a lot of interesting theories and had a neat mustache, he also spent a lot of time espousing socialism and political nonsense. Plus, he turned down the presidency of Israel.

Lip-synching is stupid. Either sing the song or don’t. Moving your lips to the words of a song is just pointless. I know you’re not singing, so why bother pretending. And lip-synching is especially stupid when it’s coupled with dancing. What, are you too useless to be able to sing and dance at the same time? Have to lip-synch while you contort your body? Who cares? I sure as hell don’t.

Picture frames are stupid. Do I really need a bit of wood to border my picture? What, the picture itself isn’t good enough…not wall worthy unless it’s got a bit of wood stuck up around the outside. Who thinks up this nonsense?

Bishops are stupid. Why do we need bishops anyway? We have the Pope and parish priests, what, these people can’t communicate? Ever heard of the internet you dumb Catholic weeds? Plus, bishops only move diagonally, I already have a queen that can do that and a lot more. For Christ’s sake, work this out before you put on the silly little hat.

Indeed, everything in the universe that has ever existed, currently exists or will exist fits in to one of these three categories. No doubt this information will introduce a new era of organization and classification, and will allow humanity an ever greater understanding of both things and stuff.