A Noted Diatribe by Respected Columnist
Eliza Roark

John Cantor is Welder-in-Residence at the Connecticut Society for Welding. Ms. Cantor has extensive experience in both arc and static welding and also likes men who own their own orange groves.

What on Earth is wrong with the PTA? Every single time I read about the PTA I hear about some new atrocity they’ve committed. For instance, a while back there were the stories, albeit urban legends but stories nonetheless, about how a few members of the PTA lured some wayward boys, gang members, and bicycle enthusiasts to a remote cabin deep in the forgotten Hallmet Woodlands. Once inside the cabin, so the stories go, the PTA members attached electrodes to their victims’ genitals and then proceeded to poke them with heavily sharpened sticks.

A spokesman for the PTA, who chose to remain nameless, stated afterward in a press release “…though there is certainly no definite proof of the allegations, it is the avowed policy of the PTA to inflict horrendous and senseless pain on its victims. The PTA insists on causing its victims psychological, mental, and physical anguish.”

Rumors abound of PTA officials and PTA members utilizing scalpels, pliers, wire, riveting machines, X-Acto™ brand razor blades, nail files, Phillips head screwdrivers, pumpkins, knives, dental equipment, scallops, swords, nun chucks, chains, golf clubs, power drills, iron maidens and wire coat hangers to inflict severe physical pain on random people.

Police and civil authorities have issued warnings to many citizens’ groups to avoid the PTA and to report the activities of the PTA whenever witnessed. Recovery Group is a not-for-profit organization dedicated to helping PTA victims recover from the PTA’s horrid crimes. They have identified no fewer than 3,400 people who have had their lives destroyed by the PTA. It is known that the PTA does not discriminate; they will bring suffering to every innocent they find, they will pave a path of terror through any town they encounter, they will take their fiendish delight as their victims cry out for mercy. Mercy will not be found.

Today, I ask you to write you congress people and tell them you want them to take a stand against the PTA. The PTA must be stopped. We must not allow the PTA to hurt any more people. Together we can stop the Platha Torturer Association.