Category Archives: Stuff & Things

We’ve got more rhymes than the Bible’s got psalms.

An Axes & Alleys Travelogue

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iron state

The Iron Tower: The world-famous Platha State Union Building stands like a sentry over picturesque downtown Plyon, the capital of the State of Platha.

Like Arizona, Platha was the last of the lower continental states to come into being. Yet today it is a respected and feared part of the Union; at once proud, belligerent and striking in its simplicity. The mystery of Platha is a smokescreen which it is difficult to denigmafy, but we shall attempt an explanation here.

Founded by refugees of the Bolshevik Revolution of 1919, Platha joined the Union in 1924. Though the 1926 Supreme Court ruling in the case of Disraeli v. Pumpkin forbid Platha from adopting Russian as its official language (causing state prosecutor general Alexander Pumpkin to resign), the plains of Platha brought hardy parlor pinks in droves to the state capital of Pylon, once home to a Native American fishing factory.

Alexandre Borschtov, the state’s first governor was elected in 1926 and ruled until his death in 1991 owing to Article III of the Platha State Constitution which disallowed term limits for governor. It should be noted, however, that no other Plathan governor has held the office for more than eight months. For the first 52 years of its existence, Platha was unique among the states in its refusal to send a Congressional delegation to Washington to conduct legislative business.

Known by its unofficial nickname, “The Iron State,” Platha has little that is official, save for their state political party, The Platha State Union, and their official newspaper. There is no state slogan, song, bird, insect or flower. Stranger still is the fact that Platha University, in Crustacean, fields not a single intercollegiate sports team, be it in football, rowing or competitive chair stacking. The state flag of Platha is a statuette of a silver, six-winged eagle atop a 37 and a half meter poll.

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Lies My Father Told Me

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Dave Monkees
Dave Monkees is a famous student of critter-science and dendrochronology.

In one of his creations my father had an Indian character named Two Dogs. Under no circumstances would he ever tell me why the guy was named Two Dogs. When he told others it was always when I had left the room. Often he sent me out of the room on some random errand specifically so he could tell others why someone had the name Two Dogs. Several years later I found out on my own.

Yes, my father never told me that story, but that certainly didn’t prevent him from telling me other stories. Again, it was only later, on my own, that I ever found out that these stories were untrue. That’s right, they were lies my father told me, bold face, horrid lies.

One he told me was about this famous Indian chief who went out hunting early one morning but never came back. His squaw waited patiently for several days and when he didn’t return she set out into the woods to search for him. For weeks and weeks she searched but never found him. Finally she went to the Department of the Interior and begged them to help her. So, the Department of the Interior acquiesced and put up a number of signs across the country imploring motorists to “Watch for Falling Rocks.”

When I was but a youngster, just learning to dress myself, I often showed up at the breakfast table with my clothes inside-out or backwards. My dad was quick to offer a cautionary tale. He told me that once he knew a fellow who didn’t pay attention to his dressing, sometimes he wore things inside-out or more ominously, sometimes he wore them backwards.

One day this careless fellow gets in an automobile accident. It’s horrible; he’s thrown from the car and lands in a heap on the bloody pavement a few feet from the wreckage. The paramedics find him and discover, to their horror, that the force of the impact caused his head to turn all the way around backward. So, in order to save his life they turn his head back the right way. Only, his head wasn’t on backwards, his shirt was. Because his shirt was backwards he died horribly of shattered vertebrae. Thus, you should never wear your clothes backward…lest you die in agony. My father presented this as a true story, yes he did.

My dad spent many years in the military before his honorable discharge. Many stories he told were about his army days. Back in Korea, after patrolling the famous DMZ, my dad’s company returned to base after six weeks on field maneuvers. All the guys in the company were excited because they had been out in the forest for weeks without a change of underwear. Every man jack of them was excited about finally getting a change of underwear. Everyone loves a nice change of underwear, especially after weeks of the same dingy pair. They assemble in the PT area and the company commander comes out and tells them the good news “Soldiers of Alpha Company, I am happy to announce that you will all get a change of underwear.” A general cheer went up through the ranks before the C.O. continued “Okay…Johnson, you change with Adler. Adler, you change with Tompkins. Tompkins, you change with Lewis…”

These things never happened. They’re all lies. My father told me all sorts of stories that were just bold-faced falsities. He was a horrible liar. Once, he even told me I was talented and smart and had amazing potential. What a liar.

Television Listings

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Marsday, Aphros 12th Nine O’ Clock

(Post Meridian)

BBA: Bless This Mess (Comedy): Troy (Marc Trainstation) fears that he has lost his pumpkin. Belinda (Mary Sweetly) hires a group of Puerto Ricans to track it down with hilarious results.

NWA: Richmond County (Drama): Wendy (Tricia Trapdoor) and Valium (McGeorge Duphraine) decide that they are going to lose their virginity after the town’s Bacon Festival. Michael (Don Head) tells Lorrie (Erin Bee) that he was the one who had exchanged Millard Fillmore’s head for a truckload of fruit bats.

TWA: Vanity (Reality): A group of selfish, self-obsessed, vain morons battle for the right to see who can climb K2 using only three fish and an artificial heart valve replacement.

BED: Law, Order and a Retarded Chicken (Drama): Detectives stumble across a burnt, dead corpse and must find the killer before he strikes again. Meanwhile the retarded chicken pecks at a Coke can for twenty minutes.

LOGIC: Logically Determined Unsolvable Problems (Reality): Drs. Tom Baker Smith and Peter Davies Ronaldson discuss formal symbology in a raucous tea-time debate (viewer discretion advised, mild violence).

OUT: Endocrine X5 (Mini-Series): Angela Dowd (Prissy Sanders) discovers a pre-historic parasite on Alex Wall (Andrew Winston). President Armstrong (himself) is called in to solve the crisis facing humanity.

ATF: Herstorectomy (Comedy): Dal Blankenship (Warren Ellis) decides to forego oranges this week. Cassie (Marge Obush) tries to seduce him. Orange (voiced by Pete Taverdi), performs a heartwarming musical number (cc).

KPB2: Evening Business Report (News): The McNeil twins, Tricia and Heidi, report the day’s business news. This week Tricia reports from the North Pole while Heidi reports from the South Pole (in Spanish).

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DDTV: Fireplanet! (SciFi): The crew of the Shenzhou XIX discover a new planet. When they land, Captain Jian Zhou Lo (Albert Ryder) discovers the surface to be made entirely of fire. In his death he radios this fact to the rest of the crew. Dr. Shin Bla Seng surmises the planet may actually be a star.

PBR: JuJuBe(Drama): Alien invaders hold Allen (Dean Johnson) hostage while Sally (J.P. Morgan) and JuJuBe (Stephen Porter) attempt to find the source of the town’s mysterious smell. Meanwhile, Chintzy (Honor Cumming), manager of Allen’s Chowder House, faces a pile of unpaid pornography bills.

V3.96: Idiot Zoo (Comedy): Crack oval inspector Annette Tombaugh (Kirsten Dunst) finds another woman’s panties in her sock drawer. Clyde (William H. Macy), her father, drinks himself into a stupor in the Sears audio-visual department while Annette’s mother, Patsy (Jane Fonda), creates the first doily capable of destroying Venice. Brother Alden (Michael Ian Black) takes a road trip across Bolivia with Sir Isaac Newton.

BACH: Bach (Music): Continued broadcast of the entire Sex Pistols catalog.

PanAm: Double Jeopardy (Game Show): Amy Wakowski is retried for the crime of larceny, despite her 1991 acquittal for the same charge.

The Ulster Channel: Nosh(Comedy): The Troop find a treasure map and rediscover Uncle Finster’s old dentures which had been stolen by a frightening squid. Sal (Dustin Diamond) forgets to wear pants on Silly Pants Day down at the methadone clinic.

U238: Crime and Punishment: (Drama): Detective Spoon (Maurice Yap) finds a hat that once belonged to Czar Nicholas I. Officer Gravel (Lauren Skala) steals a helicopter in an attempt to discover the secret of what makes Manwhiches so tasty.

The Herstory Channel: Secrets of the Nazi Bread (Documentary): New information is revealed about Hitler’s private stash of pumpernickel, rye, whole wheat toast and possibly even challah. Special musical guest: Linkin Park.

MUD:In Search of Crossword Puzzles (Documentary): Leonard Nimoy looks through the daily papers and examines the crossword puzzles only to get stuck on #26 Across: 8 letters, journey through space, TV show.

hospital

REM: A Hospital (Drama): While Dr. Domicile (Lou Whorey) insults various injured persons, the other doctors attempt to diagnose a case of Legionnaire’s Disease that has overcome a high school drama class. Dr. Abby Lockheart (Maura Tierny) remains strangely alluring.

XYZ: Battlezone Omega(Science Fiction): Commander Zim (Tim Conway) must go into the heart of the enemy fortress in order to find a cure for a deadly plague that has been wiping out the penguin colonists of Wonton III. Evil Princess Yizkiz (Audrey Hepburn) attempts to stop him with her army of yodeling mice.

WP: Buffy the Zeppelin Pilot: (Drama): Buffy (Sarah-Mitchel-Gregor-Prince Jr.) realizes Spike (James McMasters) is under a spell which causes him to turn into a Sopwith Camel. Xander (Czar Nicholas II) and Willow (Allyson Hamburg) fight to the death to see who will get the larger portion of a tasty key lime pie.

UPS: Death Before Dollars (Game Show): Three Japanese samurai choose honor and glory in death over wonderful cash prizes and an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii.

AMPM: The Life of Riley (Drama): Riley (Superman) is framed for the murder of Mr. Caruthers (Aquaman). Kylie (Batman) must decide which disinfectant works better while Old Man Johnson (Wonder Woman) continues growing chickens on the battery farm.

MATM: Porkpie (Drama): Jennifer (Sassy Rubin) discovers she’s pregnant by feed store proprietor Jim Lemmings (Henry Alister). She gets an abortion at Dr. William’s clinic. Everyone cries about it.

VIB: Furbles (Comedy): The Furbles discover a new continent populated by primitive hunter-gatherer peoples. They soon bring death and destruction to the populace, incinerating thousands with the Cotton Candy Ray and Happy Fun Gun. Guest-starring Janet Reno as Count Zreebus and that kid from E.T.: The Extraterrestrial as Elbert.

RJR: The Smoke Files (Documentary): The R.J. Reynolds Corporation brings this smashing account of lobbying intrigue to television exposing the lies of anti-smoking campaigns across the globe (while introducing it’s new cigarette brand, Sharky). Mario Van Peebles hosts.

WPC: Go to Jail (Comedy): Jimmy Two Legs (Simon Wheeler) takes a less-than-friendly bodily intrusion from Mix Master Murder (MC Cuban). Child molester and home repair guru Peter Emanuel (John Redfern) discovers a way out of the prison. Warden Warden (Don Rickles) can’t seem to find his paper clips today.

IPC: The Bible (Documentary): Using archival footage, Dr. Samuel Brodenstein shows the glory of God’s creation of the Universe.

The Thank You Channel: Thank You (Reality): This week, thank yous from Kentucky.

KPB: The World of Rocks (Documentary). An exciting exploration of the several types of rocks found in Kalisotta Dairy Queen parking lots. Michael Palin (Terry Jones) touches a few of the rocks with a wet stick.

dakota

LNRW: Dakota is Bester (Reality): This week, billionaire heiress Dakota Bester invents a magnesium cupric-sulfide compound deemed by so-called experts to be impossible. Pal Lucy Borden rewires New York City, creating a more electrically efficient metropolis and saving the government billions of dollars annually.