The Maine Issue Premiere

Posted on January 1, 2008 by Jeremy Rosen

Once again the lovely month of Maine is upon us; splendid Maine with its foosball championships, cranberry festivals, bear baitings and lovely sprautumn foliage.

And, this Maine is a cause for special celebration as it represents the start of a new year (2008, the two thousand and eighth year since the little-known year naught). New Year’s is a chance for resolutions, so why not resolve in 2008 to buy two copies of your favorite tractor repair and maintenance magazine. Why, that’ll give us twice the circulation and allow us double our ad rates and revenues. Everyone wins!

Download the newest issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.

Volume 456-BR8: Issue 10: Vespril 2007

Posted on November 2, 2007 by Jeremy Rosen

Axes & Alleys: Indicted, but Never Convicted!

beetles

It has come to our attention that the name of the legendary rock and roll quartet The Beatles is, in fact, a pun. You see, the spelling indicates a beat, or rhythmical interval relating to music, while the actual sound of the name is obviously intended to make one think the word refers to a certain order of arthropods.

This is a travesty.

A Group acknowledged as one of the greatest in recorded history both musically and lyrically, a group which penned such songs as “Hey Jude,” “Ask Me Why,” and “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” did not have enough imagination to avoid a pun. At the least they could have attempted to conjure up the thousands of armoured species of beetle, or the Nazi car named after same.

But no; John, Ringo, George, and Paul resorted to a pun. Way to go Liverpudlians.

Xoxo
Delores R. Grunion

The Vespril Cover Girl: Azura Skye

Azura Skye would be an excellent
choice to play Nutia Titelbaum,
should anyone decide to a make
a movie about her life.

Vespril Issue Premiere

Posted on November 1, 2007 by Jeremy Rosen

In New York there appear to be a series of hate crimes targeting blacks with nooses and Jews with swastikas. These messages of hate have appeared on light fixtures and doors with racial slurs and epithets written nearby.

We feel left out. Not a single swastika has been scrawled anywhere near our offices. If anything, swastikas offer an opportunity to play four-square tic tac toe. Also, the news likes to come around and interview people with swastikas on their property and we want to be on television.

You’d think with all the hateful things we’ve said over the years, someone would leave us something offensive. We’ll even take an “Irish need not apply” sign.

In that light, why not download the newest issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.

Volume 456-BR8: Issue 09

Posted on October 3, 2007 by Jeremy Rosen

Axes & Alleys: Winner of the 1987 Bingo Championship!

tats

For many years now, Axes & Alleys has been offering its readers free stickers with each issue, and as long as the world’s supply of adhesive holds out, we’ll continue to do so. It’s our pleasure.

Of course, the designs do have use beyond simple sticking (adhesion). They can also be tattoos. So, we’ve decided that the first five people to get a tattoo of one of our stickers and provide us with a photograph, will receive five American dollars in cash and a taco.

Not too shabby a deal. Not too shabby at all. So go out there, dear readers, and get inked.

alt cover 33

Tiberium Cover Girl Roxie Epoxie is a
singer and performer. She is made of
molded plastic and has charts and graphs.

Tiberium Issue Premiere

Posted on October 1, 2007 by Jeremy Rosen

There are over 300,000 kinds of pasta. We don’t touch on any of them in this month’s issue of the magazine. Oh no, this is a pasta-free issue. We’re quite tired of pasta. It’s a bit gummy, covered in sauce, and doesn’t come in any higher-dimensional shapes.

Really, pasta kind of makes us angry. That red sauce? It sucks. Alfredo, BOOOOORING. Pesto gets stuck to the backs of our throats and makes us gag.