Category Archives: Fifty Things

Fifty, it’s the Fifty. What more do you want?

50 Ideas for Making Insects Better

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1. Tiny hats.
2. Instead of yellow and black on bees, why not stylish mocha and taupe?
3. Ants get the ability to read Sanskrit.
4. Goliath beetles are replaced by new nine-inch Super Goliath Beetles.
5. Install an on/off switch for katydids.
6. Constant molting now mandatory.
7. Instead of pain, bee stings bring on hallucinations of drinking grape soda.
8. Walking sticks are allowed to stroll on Tuesdays.
9. Advertising space is sold on the wings of butterflies.
10. Dragonflies really breathe fire.
11. Lightning bugs glow in different colors for Christmas.
12. Dung beetles are made tastier.
13. Mosquitoes are required to ask permission before sucking your blood.
14. Allow ticks and daddies-long-leg into Class Insecta.
15. Praying mantises may actually petition God to cure the sick.
16. Instead of plain, old mounds, fire ants must make nests that meet the high aesthetic standards of Frank Ghery or I.M. Pei.
17. An expansion of the termite diet to include plastic, newspaper and other litter, thus cleaning up the streets of our fair city.
18. Let ‘em all breathe out of their noses like normal people.
19. Locusts can only destroy bad tasting crops like squash or Brussels sprouts.
20. Crickets must know how to play more than one tune on their legs.
21. Given piezoelectric properties for use in computers.
22. Peppered moths get royalties every time their pictures are used in the evolution chapter of biology text books.
23. Butterflies are allowed to stick just a few entomologists on spikes.
24. Chitin exoskeletons replaced with candy coating.
25. Just normal fruit flies from now on. No more mutants.
26. Issue a court order demanding the closing of all circulatory systems.
27. The ability to link up and run on model railroad tracks.
28. Cicada killers are only cicada rougher-uppers.
29. Imperviousness to hard vacuum and radiation.
30. House flies fly in designated patterns.
31. Earwigs make themselves useful by becoming clothing fasteners.
32. Silverfish only dine on outgrown or no-longer-needed clothing and must always finish their meals.
33. Cockroaches stop being lazy and help pick up around the house.
34. Army ants will form a well-regulated militia.
35. A single carpenter ant will be crucified to redeem all of insect kind.
36. Cicadas exit the ground in an orderly fashion and follow the designated swarming routes.
37. Lady bugs grant reasonable requests for realistic things, like chocolate.
38. Damsel flies continuously enact chivalrous stories with the help of new hero bugs for small children and the elderly.
39. Uncatchable, catnip flavored cockroaches are standard.
40. Fleas able to actually jump to the top of the Empire State Building from the ground.
41. Water bugs bring life-saving moisture to drought-ravaged African nations.
42. Caterpillars have to figure out something interesting to do other than pupate.
43 Less mindless moving.
44. Nearby insects form up on any chess board to act as playing pieces and respond to verbal commands.
45. A benevolent insectoid hive mind tasked to look after and protect humanity from danger.
46. Jet engines.
47. Their own island.
48. Defecate gold.
49. Less creepy, more huggable.
50. A return to the monstrous size of yesteryear.

Fifty Beautiful Things

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1. Cannibal chimpanzees.
2. Maggots eating a carcass.
3. The idea of my teeth shattering.
4. The eons-long dominance of the dinosaurs ended by a dumb rock.
5. People doing the Electric Slide.
6. The pain when you get a plantar wart wet.
7. Man-made holes where a forest once was.
8. The desperation of indie rock bands.
9. Floating plastic bags.
10. Coprolites.
11. Drazi.
12. Love Canal.
13. Mutually assured destruction.
14. People forgetting about you when you’re dead.
15. Greedy industrialists who get away with everything.
16. Unidentifiable stains on mattresses.
17. Biopsy procedures.
18. Severely conjoined twins.
19. Polyps of any sort.
20. Josef Stalin.
21. Mercury poisoning.
22. Burning tires on a foggy night.
23. That green stripe of algae you see on the wall at low tide.
24. A pigeon eating a chicken wing.
25. An endless array of oil refineries stretching to the horizon.
26. The smile on a widow’s face.
27. Filthy teddy bears in the toy bin at Salvation Army.
28. R. Lee Ermy’s eyebrows.
29. Second hand bedpans.
30. A senile man who asks me for pancakes.
31. The floor of a taxi cab.
32. Extremely large envelopes.
33. Hot air balloons full of rabid wolverines.
34. Free market capitalism.
35. The Mark of Cain.
36. Salt-Alum pelt tanning
37. The smell of a wet rail way bridge.
38. A bowl full of iron shavings.
39. Two nuns bathing in mashed potatoes.
40. Metric rulers.
41. The sound of a million bees stinging an old mule.
42. A pile of rusted hammers.
43. Brain dead Amish children.
44. A totally hot chick with a black eye.
45. Others’ misfortune.
46. The food no one wants at a buffet.
47. My dreams about cartilage.
48. Generic unscented industrial air freshener.
49. Paper bags full of burned out light bulbs.
50. Jennifer Morrison.

Fifty Reasons Why the World is A Dangerous Place

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1. Poorly maintained bathyscaphes.
2. Mid-air collisions at crowded air shows.
3. Pennies on railroad tracks.
4. Annoyed cobras.
5. Monsters.
6. The A-10 “Warthog.”
7. Badly translated band saw instruction manuals.
8. Non-pasteurized dairy products.
9. Bugs who lay eggs in people’s brains.
10. Cross-eyed marksmen.
12. Agnostic extremists.
13. That stuff that leaked into the water table.
14. Expired mayonnaise.
15. Psychos who sneak razor blades into Christmas candy.
16. Tornadoes.
17. Flammable pajamas.
18. Grenades with unexpectedly short fuses.
19. Exploding bats.
20. Committees planning things.
21. Drunk teenagers with automobiles, for that matter, regular teenagers with automobiles.
22. Outlaw regimes seeking weapons of medium-grade destruction (WMGDs).
23. Housewives inadvertently mixing ammonia and bleach.
24. Africanized European honeybees from Asia.
25. The gods of Olympus who use we mortals as their playthings.
26. The many ways human necks can detrimentally deviate from their intended position.
27. Adults. Especially if they’re serious.
28. Entropy.
29. Vast swarms of two-toed sloths searching for their neckties.
30. The instinct for self-preservation.
31. Pastimes involving the use of blunt and/or sharp objects in conjunction with alcohol.
32. Any of the solutions for economic equality.
33. Any amount of intelligence and intense boredom.
34. Realists.
35. Original sin.
36. Messages of Potential + Children = Disgruntled Middle Management
37. Camouflage as fashion.
38. Reptiles.
39. Iceland. Just think about it.
40. Cats locked in rooms filled with double-sided tape.
41. Acronyms and abbreviations.
42. Humidors that only lock from the outside.
43. Inappropriately-sized dowels.
44. Brave journalists.
45. Heraldic imagery of flamingos.
46. Carnivorous grass.
47. Illegal Asteroids
48. Rabbit evolution.
49. Increased reliance on non-internal memory-retrieval mechanisms.
50. Angels and demons fighting a prolonged war for the souls of humanity in a substanceless dominance game whose winner is supposedly preördained and whose end conditions are amorphous at best.

Fifty Things You Should Never Do.

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1. Disobey a direct order.
2. Make a milkshake out of ice cream and dead snakes.
3. Allow the enemy admiral to cross the ‘T.’
4. Create special yogurt from your wife’s breast milk.
5. Write poetry.
6. Compose atonal music for the orchestra.
7. Turn a normal piece upside down to try and pass if off as the blank piece in Scrabble™.
8. Sell black market light bulbs.
9. Stalk Jeri Ryan.
10. Write your book report after watching the movie instead of reading the book.
11. Dishonor your ancestors.
12. Cover the Governor in gravy.
13. Try to become an astronaut by hanging around the NASA offices while wearing your home-made space suit.
14. Use an #3 (H) pencil on the standardized test.
15. Let the government tell you what’s cool.
16. Barter nuclear weapons for candy corn.
17. Impersonate an industrial robot at a trial lawyers’ convention.
18. Put an aircraft carrier in the Black Sea.
19. Show up to a gunfight with a giant electromagnet.
20. Pronounce anesthetize like Australians.
21. Fire rubber bullets in the forest.
22. Take more than one wife if you cannot provide equally for each one.
23. Assume the curling iron is unplugged and turned off when using it as a dildo.
24. Organize your record collection by the last name of the author of the liner notes.
25. Stuff a car radiator full of toasted ravioli “to make it cook quicker.”
26. Be a monster and fight a giant robot made up of five smaller robots in the form of lions, cars or various animals.
27. Terminate with extreme prejudice whilst operating a train.
28. Keep a cookie sheet under your poncho.
29. Exorcise demons the Eastern Orthodox Way™.
30. Know what you had until it’s gone.
31. Create a 5000 year plan.
32. Drink three 40s on an empty stomach and expect not to fall on your face.
33. Call it “crack-cocaine.”
34. Change junior’s diapers on the roof of a speeding bus.
35. Mistake a can of CS Teargas for a can of silly string.
36. Say “Yes officer, you may search my vehicle.”
37. Raise infants on a vegan diet.
38. Allow a stranger to sever, cook and serve your own penis to you.
39. Use public lubricant.
40. Launch a nuclear missile from a submarine under the polar icecap.
41. Argue with God over the 37 cents he owes you.
42. Imagine hairdressers on Mars.
43. Bet on a horse named Lame Duck ridden by a jockey called Shifty.
44. Exhort Dennis Farina to cut his mustache.
45. Go anywhere near Ellen Ripley.
46. Rely on a group of more than three people to make intelligent decisions.
47. Deign to make peaches the official state fruit when you’re Alabama.
48. Purchase the AmWay toast cozy.
49. Expect quality when buying in Chinatown.
50. Cheat Death at Chutes and Ladders.

Fifty Reasons to Abandon Pine

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pine

1. Pine hates you and everything you stand for.
2. It never helps take out the trash.
3. That pine smell reminds you of cleaning.
4. Those stupid home improvement shows love it.
5. It’s not wicker.
6. Pine is lazy.
7. The Fascists used pine. Do you want to be a fascist?
8. The pine industry supports corrupt politicians in Katharinetowne, WD.
9. Good backpacks cannot be made from pine.
10. Your parents’ marriage broke up because of it.
11. Try exchanging pine for goods and services. Just try it.
12. It destabilizes the trade balance between Togo and Colombia, leading to a prolonged, trans-oceanic conflict scarring that pristine continent of Africa.
13. The lower specific heat of pine results in more fires.
14. You don’t see the Chinese using pine.
15. Pine endorsed Dewey for President of the United States of America
16. Merv Griffin enterprises has never used pine.
17. It makes for a disappointing conversational partner.
18. Heroin addicts.
19. Face it, you just hate pine.
20. Has a lot of net carbs.
21. Lots of people were lynched on pine trees.
22. Pine never brings beer when it visits.
23. It tastes like dead babies.
24. Pine suppressed the success of The Last Starfighter.
25. You can thank pine for women’s lib.
26. Never was any good at playing second base. Never.
27. Remember the Vietnam War?
28. Pine sap doesn’t cure cancer.
29. Pine needles can only be woven into substandard baskets.
30. Pine trees make fun of your dead mother.
31. Pine has yet to produce a single pop-punk album.
32. GI Joe never needed pine to defeat the forces of Cobra.
33. Meg Ryan has often spoken out against pine trees.
34. Wood from pine is much heavier than balsa.
35. In no way will pine ever help you win at the game of Clue.
36. Germs destroyed the Martians and their tripods; pine never did a damn thing.
37. Pine is never mentioned in the Odyssey.
38. Though they are roughly the same shape, pinecones are not as useful as grenades.
39. The Beejees liked everything about pine.
40. Walt Dinsey never created a movie with anthropomorphic pine trees.
41. Pine makes your stomach flabby.
42. Pine isn’t anywhere as interesting as hot goth chicks.
43. When Drew Barrymore was seven years old, it was a pine tree that first offered her cocaine.
44. There has yet to be a single good ska song written about pine.
45. A pine tree once murdered a guy.
46. Pine ditched its girlfriend at prom.
47. A pine tree framed Rodger Rabbit.
48. Vikings hated pine.
49. Pine trees don’t have arms, so they can’t even wear vests.
50. Every time I’m hit in the face with a board, it’s always a pine board.