1. The Rorschach Pop-Up Book
2. St. Mertel’s nuclear-powered wind mill.
3. Native Tim Wright was the first man to dispute the fact that Saturn has rings.
4. Famed Lithuanian explorer Herich Lembrul was born there (yes, he’s from Splatonville).
5. Quasi-immortality serum.
6. Pornstar Moishe Lembelbach is an Elizabethian.
7. The ratio of stuff to things in Elizabethia is exactly ?.
8. Clitoral enhancement surgery was pioneered in Elizabethia.
9. Sturdy, particle-board chairs.
10. The nation’s only statute on polyamorous inheritance.
11. Plastic, imitation, non-functional corn-cob pipes.
12. High-speed wireless salamander communication.
13. The top-selling Barenaked Ladies Live at Shermer’s Hardware Store was recorded live at Shermer’s Hardware Store in Macormick.
14. America’s largest strip mall is located along all 75 miles of Elizabethia State Highway 5.
15. The Patunxet Meteorite Crater is, at 1 meter wide, the state’s largest crater.
16. John Quincy Adams’ conception place, also the state’s oldest pub.
17. The Northeast’s only 1:1 human body exhibit: Elbert Jenkins.
18. The Elizabethia Governor’s Mansion is the only Governor’s Mansion made entirely from maple and oatmeal.
19. Owensville’s Amputee Emporium.
20. Elizabethia has the highest concentration of benches per capita in the world at 423 per person.
21. Radiohead lead singer Thom Yorke performed more shows in Elizabethia on his solo tour than in any other geographic area recognized by the U.S. Census Bureau.
22. The International Framing Olympics is held throughout the state every five years.
23. Elizabethia is in the top six states by riding lawnmower ownership.
24. World’s third oldest umbrella testing area outside Hommetsboro.
25. Famous Wade’s sells bottle rockets two for a penny.
26. The “Slow, Children at Play” sign was first introduced on Mayfair St. (also in Splatonville).
27. Blackbeard’s beard comb can be viewed at the Maritime Museum (currently on tour).
28. The state’s lowest point is underwater.
29. Though fictional Mayberry was set in the neighboring state of North Carolina, the gas pumps from Gomer’s were imported from Elizabethia.
30. The character of The T-1000 was based on former Elizabethian governor Diamond “Diamond Mitch” German.
31. Pocket shrews are such a nuisance for Elizabethian farmers that the branded rattler was introduced to keep them in check. It failed.
32. Though the four-pronged electrical outlet failed to catch on, they’re still used in 24% of Raffeyville homes.
33. Abbotstown features the only shark-themed bowling alley on the entire Eastern Seaboard.
34. The X-Files episode “Bump in the Night” featured Elizabethia resident Betty Hargrove in the key role of “Patient #3.”
35. Instead of using the words “perhaps” or “maybe,” locals tend to say “may’hap.” This may startle many visitors.
36. Until 1981 Elizabethians had a series of fourteen different positions for mailbox flags, allowing for greater communication than the standard binary system popular throughout the country.
37. Ghender is known throughout the South East as the “Blind Date Capital of the South East.”
38. On his way to Mexico City, the exiled Trotsky had a brief lay-over in Elizabethia, where he ironically purchased several icepicks.
39. The Ummer Pantworks in Fester produces more pleats in one day than Europe produces in eight years.
40. Triften is the only city in America that does not fall under any designated ZIP code.
41. Thompson Elementary School is celebrated as the “Home of Homework.”
42. Brandenburg, EL’s gate is rather different from its German counterpart.
43. Elizabethian lobsters tend to be, on average, slightly bluer than those from Maine.
44. The excellent 230 area code.
45. In 1995 the state ban on ADP was lifted, finally allowing for cellular respiration.
46. The Braynard Family Restaurant serves seven kinds of custard.
47. Catatawa River Site manufactures Uranium PU-36 for use in space modulators.
48. Milk is taxed at an astounding rate of three hours of community service per gallon.
49. Deep, deep spoons for maximum soup intake.
50. Elizabethia is nice.

1. Leave it in your coat pocket as a nice surprise for next winter.
2. Exchange it for twenty nickels. Neatly stack them into four stacks of five nickels each.
3. Watch one-seventh of a matinee.
4. Fold it so that George Washington turns into a mushroom. Use it as a visual aid to explain Hiroshima.
5. Bet it on the cock that looks like he’ll win the fight.
6. Purchase lozenges for the sick.
7. Donate it to your alma mater. See if they’ll name a window sill after you.
8. Give a penny each to 100 different shepherds.
9. Offer Ted a dollar to pick up the sticks in the front yard.
10. Attempt to bribe your congress-person.
11. Practice origami.
12. Lie and tell your friends it’s two dollars.
13. Use the counterfeit detection pen on it when you get one at your supermarket cashier job.
14. Lick it. Tell people you like the taste of money.
15. Bury it. Then create a complicated, cryptic map to your mini-treasure.
16. Draw an eyepatch on Washington. When your friends tell you it’s illegal to deface government property, explain to them how the Federal Reserve Banks are an independent body.
17. Offer it to a kid, see if he’ll get in your van.
18. Write a short story on the front. End it with “to be continued…” so the next person who gets it can share in the fun.
19. Put it in a pyramid so the sides will get sharper.
20. Fold it into a triangle for paper football. Goal!
21. Look at the pyramid-eye thing on the back and spin your own conspiracy theories.
22. Spend a few hours and practice forging the Secretary of the Treasury’s signature.
23. Try to find the secret spider on that web back-ground.
24. Tip Angel, the best stripper down at Babydolls.
25. Offer it in exchange for something a merchant has valued at one dollar.
26. Use a blender to shred it into small pieces. Then, snort the pieces to get high off of all the cocaine with which it’s come into contact.
27. Pretend to be a rich guy by rolling cigarettes with it.
28. Go to the bank and try to get 50 two-cent coins.
29. Trade it in for 62 cents Crime Cash.
30. Buy a hooker for the night. A really cheap hooker.
31. Fold it up for use as a handy implement to get food out from between your teeth.
32. Use it as inspiration for your hit Blues song, “My Lonely Dollar Bill.”
33. Copyright it and sue everyone using dollar bills.
34. Play Blue Fiber/Red Fiber. Have each person choose a color and count those fibers on the face of the bill. Whoever has more of their color wins.
35. Travel back in time to the 1920s and get yourself 90 pennywhistles.
36. Add crumbled dollar bill to your corn flakes for that great linen taste.
37. Use it to destabilize the economy of Namibia.
38. Take it out to a popular mall on Black Friday, attempt to buy an expensive product, then cry in front of news cameras about the effects of inflation.
39. Coat a corner in butane and use it to get the stickiness out of key pads on your saxophone.
40. Roll it up and swat bees.
41. Use it to separate hair in which you wish to put highlights.
42. Put a down payment on a marble statue of yourself.
43. Offer it to a club DJ to play your favorite song.
44. Study it if you get bored while defecating.
45. Buy one of those tequila worm lollipops you’ve always wanted.
46. Pull the security strip out of it to add to your collection of security strips.
47. Buy five pounds of New Jersey beach sand as the start to your new outdoor bar.
48. Drop it on the street to distract a mugger.
49. Point to it as a symbol of the evils of capitalism for random strangers.
50. Offer it to your teenager as their allowance. When they scoff at it, tell them to get a damn job.

1. chickens that lay ready-made Southwest Omelettes
2. apologetic electric chairs
3. powdered bridges
4. the sideways train
5. hover horses
6. self-eating reuben sandwiches
7. steam-powered windmills
8. a board game based on the American Civil War
9. the electric alphabet
10. waterproof milkshakes
11. double-helmets for epileptic Siamese twins
12. odometers for hamster wheels
13. raspberry flavoured dental dams
14. robot crows
15. mechanical owls for scaring away the robot crows
16. pneumatic olive de-pimentoers
17. Bruce Vilanch detector
18. A space station for mice. If a cat got on board it’d be just like that movie Alien, but for mice.
19. sweaters that taste like whatever moths don’t like
20. a meta-knob that allows you to adjust all knobs at once
21. realistic, cheese-shaped covers for light bulbs so it looks like your cheese is glowing
22. wind-resistant chinstraps
23. The Moron Slapper
24. 120 proof corn liquor
25. salmon-flavoured canals
26. fire
27. pedal-powered mechanical sacrificers for Voodoo rites
28. electric orgasm monitors
29. a 20 million lumen visual defence grid for Romania
30. the combination lemon juice extractor/jungle machete
31. bicycle windshields
32. creature detectors
33. the testicle-shaving cup
34. chicken caesar salad lasagne
35. static electric false moustache
36. a well-designed light switch with iconography
37. coati suppressing foam
38. the mechanical spider buddy
39. The ACME Handy Dandy Micro Helper
40. Automatic Rutherford B. Hayes
41. an ash tray exhaust fan
42. the low-loam diet for worms
43. a practical theoretical basis for providing power to homes
44. the communications satellite
45. spring-loaded novelty cans of peas
46. creepily-grinning mechanical statues whose heads follow passers-by
47. a Chinese finger trap remover
48. Ecomagination
49. magnetic teeth implants
50. the electric mop

1. See how many turtles you can pick up at once.
2. Play “Wipeout” on your pots and pans.
3. Use them to sling hot coals at bears.
4. Taunt people whose thumbs are amputated.
5. Use them as a handy hat remover.
6. Cut the tongs in half. Glue one half to your stomach and the other to your back. Splatter some fake blood about your torso and pretend someone stabbed you.
7. Use tongs to do work on Sabbath. Ask forgiveness.
8. Sell tongs on an infomercial as “Super Grip 9000.”
9. Bend paper.
10. Press tongs onto skin for a minute. Be fascinated by red tong impressions.
11. Invent new party game called “Capture the balloon.”
12. Use tongs to gently stroke cat’s back. The cat will enjoy it.
13. Remove corn from boiling water. Place on plate for eating. Salt to taste.
14. Manipulate marionette.
15. Use tongs to pick up biohazardous needle on beach.
16. Mock talkative person by pretending tongs are their mouth. Open and close tong prongs rapidly.
17. Use as ineffective catapult.
18. Join mariachi band. Use tongs as castanet’s.
19. Lightly tap congresspersons on the head with tongs. Giggle.
20. Use to pick only the good bits out of the chicken soup.
21. Provide your wife with home gynecological exams.
22. Secretly replace cavalry officer’s sword with tongs. Laugh as he attempts to lead charge.
23. After much training, use tongs to grasp flies out of the air.
24. Use to teach children about biangles.
25. Attempt to dial a number on a rotary telephone.
26. Hold a cigarette while smoking.
27. Put one in each hand and live among the crabs for a week.
28. Use them on the job when coworkers complain about you doing work too fast.
29. Conduct a symphony.
30. Paint them in rainbows to celebrate Gay Pride.
31. Make a game for kids using tongs and toothpicks, and the picking up thereof.
32. Juggle glasses.
33. Cane prisoners of war for infractions.
34. Cover with a condom and attempt to open.
35. Move your collectible action figures without getting human oils on the packaging.
36. Encourage rebellion and civil unrest in areas lacking tong technology by giving tongs to an ethnic, political or racial minority.
37. Waggle tongs over your head when your sports team or military is victorious.
38. Spend the day counting from one to two by opening and closing the tongs.
39. Stick them on the end of a broom and spin them around to create the illusion of a cone.
40. Purchase various spherical foodstuffs, then pretend to pluck the eye out of different-sized animals with them.
41. Use them like a dowsing rod to find water.
42. Insert into gravy. Open tongs to stir twice as effectively.
43. Turn book pages without annoying licking.
44. Throw into cave. Should anyone ask about tongs, lie and say you lost them.
45. Prove effectiveness of wrench by attempting to remove bolts with tongs.
46. Offer Rivers Cuomo tongs in exchange for private Weezer concert at your birth day party.
47. Measure height of Chrysler Building in tong units.
48. Get a bunch of fish and stick them in a barrel. Use tongs to alternately stir them, poke them and grab them.
49. Dip tongs in fruit punch. Stick in freezer to create tongcicle.
50. Pretend to be an ancient Greek warrior with tongs.