50 Ideas for Making Insects Better

1. Tiny hats.
2. Instead of yellow and black on bees, why not stylish mocha and taupe?
3. Ants get the ability to read Sanskrit.
4. Goliath beetles are replaced by new nine-inch Super Goliath Beetles.
5. Install an on/off switch for katydids.
6. Constant molting now mandatory.
7. Instead of pain, bee stings bring on hallucinations of drinking grape soda.
8. Walking sticks are allowed to stroll on Tuesdays.
9. Advertising space is sold on the wings of butterflies.
10. Dragonflies really breathe fire.
11. Lightning bugs glow in different colors for Christmas.
12. Dung beetles are made tastier.
13. Mosquitoes are required to ask permission before sucking your blood.
14. Allow ticks and daddies-long-leg into Class Insecta.
15. Praying mantises may actually petition God to cure the sick.
16. Instead of plain, old mounds, fire ants must make nests that meet the high aesthetic standards of Frank Ghery or I.M. Pei.
17. An expansion of the termite diet to include plastic, newspaper and other litter, thus cleaning up the streets of our fair city.
18. Let ‘em all breathe out of their noses like normal people.
19. Locusts can only destroy bad tasting crops like squash or Brussels sprouts.
20. Crickets must know how to play more than one tune on their legs.
21. Given piezoelectric properties for use in computers.
22. Peppered moths get royalties every time their pictures are used in the evolution chapter of biology text books.
23. Butterflies are allowed to stick just a few entomologists on spikes.
24. Chitin exoskeletons replaced with candy coating.
25. Just normal fruit flies from now on. No more mutants.
26. Issue a court order demanding the closing of all circulatory systems.
27. The ability to link up and run on model railroad tracks.
28. Cicada killers are only cicada rougher-uppers.
29. Imperviousness to hard vacuum and radiation.
30. House flies fly in designated patterns.
31. Earwigs make themselves useful by becoming clothing fasteners.
32. Silverfish only dine on outgrown or no-longer-needed clothing and must always finish their meals.
33. Cockroaches stop being lazy and help pick up around the house.
34. Army ants will form a well-regulated militia.
35. A single carpenter ant will be crucified to redeem all of insect kind.
36. Cicadas exit the ground in an orderly fashion and follow the designated swarming routes.
37. Lady bugs grant reasonable requests for realistic things, like chocolate.
38. Damsel flies continuously enact chivalrous stories with the help of new hero bugs for small children and the elderly.
39. Uncatchable, catnip flavored cockroaches are standard.
40. Fleas able to actually jump to the top of the Empire State Building from the ground.
41. Water bugs bring life-saving moisture to drought-ravaged African nations.
42. Caterpillars have to figure out something interesting to do other than pupate.
43 Less mindless moving.
44. Nearby insects form up on any chess board to act as playing pieces and respond to verbal commands.
45. A benevolent insectoid hive mind tasked to look after and protect humanity from danger.
46. Jet engines.
47. Their own island.
48. Defecate gold.
49. Less creepy, more huggable.
50. A return to the monstrous size of yesteryear.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>