1. Disobey a direct order.
2. Make a milkshake out of ice cream and dead snakes.
3. Allow the enemy admiral to cross the ‘T.’
4. Create special yogurt from your wife’s breast milk.
5. Write poetry.
6. Compose atonal music for the orchestra.
7. Turn a normal piece upside down to try and pass if off as the blank piece in Scrabble™.
8. Sell black market light bulbs.
9. Stalk Jeri Ryan.
10. Write your book report after watching the movie instead of reading the book.
11. Dishonor your ancestors.
12. Cover the Governor in gravy.
13. Try to become an astronaut by hanging around the NASA offices while wearing your home-made space suit.
14. Use an #3 (H) pencil on the standardized test.
15. Let the government tell you what’s cool.
16. Barter nuclear weapons for candy corn.
17. Impersonate an industrial robot at a trial lawyers’ convention.
18. Put an aircraft carrier in the Black Sea.
19. Show up to a gunfight with a giant electromagnet.
20. Pronounce anesthetize like Australians.
21. Fire rubber bullets in the forest.
22. Take more than one wife if you cannot provide equally for each one.
23. Assume the curling iron is unplugged and turned off when using it as a dildo.
24. Organize your record collection by the last name of the author of the liner notes.
25. Stuff a car radiator full of toasted ravioli “to make it cook quicker.”
26. Be a monster and fight a giant robot made up of five smaller robots in the form of lions, cars or various animals.
27. Terminate with extreme prejudice whilst operating a train.
28. Keep a cookie sheet under your poncho.
29. Exorcise demons the Eastern Orthodox Way™.
30. Know what you had until it’s gone.
31. Create a 5000 year plan.
32. Drink three 40s on an empty stomach and expect not to fall on your face.
33. Call it “crack-cocaine.”
34. Change junior’s diapers on the roof of a speeding bus.
35. Mistake a can of CS Teargas for a can of silly string.
36. Say “Yes officer, you may search my vehicle.”
37. Raise infants on a vegan diet.
38. Allow a stranger to sever, cook and serve your own penis to you.
39. Use public lubricant.
40. Launch a nuclear missile from a submarine under the polar icecap.
41. Argue with God over the 37 cents he owes you.
42. Imagine hairdressers on Mars.
43. Bet on a horse named Lame Duck ridden by a jockey called Shifty.
44. Exhort Dennis Farina to cut his mustache.
45. Go anywhere near Ellen Ripley.
46. Rely on a group of more than three people to make intelligent decisions.
47. Deign to make peaches the official state fruit when you’re Alabama.
48. Purchase the AmWay toast cozy.
49. Expect quality when buying in Chinatown.
50. Cheat Death at Chutes and Ladders.
Fifty Things You Should Never Do.
1. Disobey a direct order.