FOR SALE
Yoga class. I’ve been teaching for years, but as its popularity has exploded, I’d like to move on to teaching something more obscure such as lathing or forgery. No experience required on behalf of the purchaser. Most students won’t know the difference. $600 or three boxes of dried cherries from Traverse City, MI. Write to Yolanda Vega, care of Rockville Centre Chamber of Commerce, Rockville Centre, Long Island, New York.

FOR SALE
Uxorious marriage. I thought it would be nice to have a husband devoted completely to me, but this is simply ridiculous. Visit Maria Testanova at 32 Via Madrigal, Rome, Italy and make an offer.

WANTED
Pictures of cats in costumes. No vampire cats, please. Will offer 25¢ per photograph. However, if pictures of vampire cats are included, I will bludgeon you with an object of my choice. I am completely serious about this. No vampire cat pictures. Email grendelfan35@yahoo.fr.

FOR BARTER
Baseball pitching machine safety manuals. Will trade Flyer XL-57, Johansen Mk. III, and 35q Lemonding manuals for Winston-Zedmore Superdelixe, Overdrive Systems Primary, and 457 Arclite Fantasmo manuals. Meet me on the corner of Marbury and Madison Streets, downtown Kentucky.

FOR FREE
Large quantity of used lamps. Over 300 to choose from. You can pick one, two, or even many lamps and carry them off to your own home. May also be used in businesses or religious buildings (unless your religion prohibits electricity, of course). Write to Kodie Salter, 52 MySterio Lane, Oakland, CA.

FOR SALE
Great item for a Moishe Lembelbach fan! Call me to find out what it is. 876-535-9998.

WANTED
Quartz synthesizing kit. Must include: high pressure chamber, instruction booklet (color only, please), full container of quartz starter solution, cleaning brush, three quartz synthesizing helmets, poly-cotton blend face mask, 18 hour underwear, The Quartz Synthesis Handbook 2006. Please do not include high pressure chambers with 36 mm gas ports. Must be like new. Will pay up to $57 or trade in like value of services. Please write for a list of offered services. Barry Macormack, 85 Aiken St., Kanak, SC.

FOR SALE
Lightly-used wooden bidet. £35.40. Cleaning extra. mendelsohn@brahms.net

WOMAN SEEKING MAN
19 year old, 19 stone nymphet seeks muscular dude to hang out with and have fun. Hanging out and having fun are limited to sexual intercourse three times a day with one instance of cunnilingus. One back rub per week required. No need to provide pumice stones for pedicures. I have my own. Jessica Bradley, Box 30936

FOR RENT
My Luddite boyfriend. Recently traded in all of his compact disc collection for reel-to-reel recordings, burned all of our digital video discs and replaced them with animated picture discs of 1920s era blues singers, and will not allow touch tone telephones or cellular telephones in the apartment. He’s yours for three hours per day with a one week guarantee at $12. Call Alicia Abercrombie at 779-726-5355.

WANTED
False beard made of real human hair. While I’m 14 years old and physically resemble a full-grown man, I still cannot grow facial hair. Anything in brown to dark brown works for me. Will pay cash for creation and delivery. Let me know your prices by visiting my MySpace: www.myspace.com/ogretronmachine

FOR RENT
Rear half of a pug. I’m keeping the front half for my own purposes. Just nickels a day! Write Danny Kilvarough, 355 Frontage Rd., Suburbia, EL, 00475 for more information.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Tire iron, jack and spare tire needed to sit in my car trunk in case of emergency. No pay or time off provided. Sally Macgregor, Attenborough, Scotland. Ring top bell.

FOR SALE
Some sort of smelly whale effulgence I found. €20. Joao Dafrixo, third dinghy on the right, Feces de Abaixo, Portugal.

FOR RENT
Saint Polycarp’s day. Isn’t of much use to us at the moment. $235 billion per millennium or best offer. Cardinal William Joseph Levada, Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Piazza del S. Uffizio, 11, 00193 Rome, Italy

FOR SALE
Electrode alarm clock. Simply attach electrodes to suitable part of the body and set the alarm. £39.98. Alarm clock not included. J. P. Smiley, President, Matthew Sweet Fan Club, P.O. Box Dendrite, Alamathia, EL, 00036.

FOR SALE
Used ball of masking tap with some paint involved. Roughly four inches in diameter. $5.00 or best offer. Call Scott, Room 2, Queens, New York.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Dead bass player and drummer needed to form band in Heaven with Thom Yorke. Radiohead c/o Columbia Records, Hollywood, CA.

FOR SALE
Used Chapstick, raspberry flavor. Approximately 1/3 of tube left. $7.00 or best offer. Hammer, Box 304.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Alamo needed to fall to Mexican Army on March 6th, 1936. Possible promotion to Museum and/or historical site. State of Texas, ring top bell.

FOR SALE
Six legged race horse. Runs 33.33% faster than an ordinary horse. Chernobyl Horse Farm, Chernobyl, Ukraine.

FOR SALE
Life sized model of 104 Statesboro Street, Macon, GA, a lovely old, Antebellum, Neo-Georgian two storey. It’s made of plastic, interlocking blocks, whose trademarked named I need not mention. Perfect for any serious collector of Macon building replicas. £1000.00 plus two sheep. R. Murray, Donaldson Flats MV.

FOR LEASE
Statue of Reginald McDonald, inventor of button holes. $4.00 per hour, minimum of ten hours. No grease may be applied to statue surface. Forgrave Statue Leasing, Buxom, PD.

FOR SALE
Nincompoop, 3rd Class. Melissa Folger, Box 408.

WANTED
100 tons of paste so that I can start my own paste company. Nills Forman, 103 Boxle Street, Cumming, AL.

WANTED
Yorbo Linda, CA, so that I can rename it after my hero, Napoleon and rule as regent over the Grand Duchy of Napo Linda. My brother Lee can be a Viceroy. Rory Alabaster, Pigot Falls, NY.

FOR SALE
Goat shackles. Free fifty-pints of beet pudding included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

FOR SALE
Water. Lots of water. 1 penny per bucketload. Hurry, please hurry. The facet is broken and I can’t turn it off. Cherry Love, 392 West Whitaker Lane, Nimbus, AK.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Former Senator Al Gore needed to stand in my front yard, admiring buckets. I have many nice buckets and just don’t feel that they’re being properly admired. Yalley Festerthyme, Monkeyglove, LA.

WANTED
Yarborough Valley High School Varsity Lacrosse Jersey from 2009. When 2009 comes around, please send to Brewster Buffalo Mulch Corporation, P.O. Box 327, Simi Valley, CA 93062

FOR RENT
One ventricular artery. It’ll be like we’re conjoined twins or something. Should be fun. $25 per day. Please provide own blood. Call Winston Carbuncle at 212-695-7200.

FOR SALE
Mickey Dolenz’ eyebrows. Stolen while he was asleep in the bus station. Yours for $35.00 or trade. Rebecca at line 201.

FOR SALE
4 supertankers full of shaving cream in aloe variety. 1.2 million tonnes total. Free Indira Ghandi necktie included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London SW1, UK

FOR SALE
Wet cardboard. Two cents, or best offer. Timothy, 10 Ran Way, Indian Falls, MV 202919

FOR SALE
200 TW earthquake machine. Causes earthquakes up to 7.1 on the Richter Scale. Not for evil! $300,000.75 plus insurance and transport fees. NASA, Houston, TX

FOR SALE
Croatian sex slave named Angela; 5’9″, light blue eyes, auburn hair and 3% freckle coverage. 36B with quarter sized, darkish pink areolae. $30,000. For sale to good home or enterprising lawyer. Call Ms. Elizabeth at #008.

POSITION AVAILABLE
100 volunteers needed for human-grasshopper hybridization experiments. Earn $7.00 an hour plus a free thorax and all the hemolymph you can stuff in your exoskeleton. Bugman Research Labs, Tripoli, PD. Fax resume/photo to 771-828-2881.

FOR SALE
Photograph of lion. Lion is sitting with quizzical expression. Sketch of lion and my lion poetry also available. Call Todd at 109-332-2272 for price list.

WANTED
Croatian sex slave. 5’6″-5’7″ with light green eyes, strawberry blonde hair and 12-14% freckle coverage. Breasts 34C with Susan B. Anthony dollar sized light pinkish areolae. Name beginning with R preferred. Will accept T or I at substantial discount. Mike Bolton, Esq. Box 222.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Author needed to write long, formulaic, mass-market paperbacks. Highly paid, much publicity. Chance for movie to be made bearing no resemblance to book.
Call Sarah Tam at Lorimer Press, NY, NY

FOR SALE
The book I wrote. While waging a secret, personal war against a corrupt I.R.A. influenced senator covertly financing a Columbian drug cartel, a plucky lawyer uncovers a centuries-old conspiracy by the Vatican to clone dinosaurs led by a young wizard who’s only begun to discover that his fantastic power may spell doom for Shepherd’s Point, a small town in Maine. It’s called Innocent Until Proven Deadly. For sale to a publisher or movie producer. Dan Steele, Hartford, CT.

WANTED
More coffee. I just can’t seem to get going this morning. Please fax coffee to 728-0092-20289. Will fax back $1 per cup. Jim at Intertel Globalcom.

FOR LEASE
Spacious apartment in nice area. Four bedrooms, two full baths. 230,000 square feet. Only $122/month. Perfect for people who don’t need to breathe because the whole space is a vacuum chamber and there’s no air. Carbunkle Realty, 337-2832-28333

FOR RENT
Adenosine
triphosphate.
Call Mit O. Chondria at the corner grocery.

FOR SALE
Doobie Brother. Includes landing gear, vest and sequined bowling apparatus. $450.00 or better offer. James Wilson, Oncology Department, NJ Teaching College.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Woman, age 18-35 needed to sit opposite me on the train. Must be attractive and/or dressed in interesting clothes. Eye contact a possibility. N train, second to last car, most mornings around 8am. I’m the fellow with glasses.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Three Gorges Dam needed to block off Yangtze River in the People’s Republic of China. Top pay, benefits and company car provided. Contact Hu Jintao, Beijing. Room 3.