Classifieds: Clauduary 2006

FOR SALE
My three favorite staplers. I named them Grey Ghost, Chomper and Ol’ Rusty. All are in good condition, except for Ol’ Rusty who is slightly rusty.
Bill Williams, Billiam, MN.

FOR SALE
The letter “J.” It seems as though we actually patented this letter in 1624 and are now interested in selling it to a government or major corporation. The royalties alone are worth billions. Jacombe and Morley Printing Co. Sheffield, England UK.

FOR SALE
Neckties in sloth sizes. Available for three or two toed varieties. Lots of fun styles to choose from. All are $4.00. Sloth Tie Company, Route 1, Madagascar City.

WANTED
Necklace made of robin heads. Preferably fresh. Will pay $2 per robin head. Males only as they have more colourful plumage on their detached heads. Monica Travis, Box 022.

WANTED
World peace, plentiful food for all, an end to disease and three Detroit Redwing uniforms with helmets. Jasper Johnson, Martinmas Island.

FOR LEASE
One truck load of noncompressed air. Once breathed by Mel Brooks and other celebrities. 1000 rupees per day, plus expenses. Medelson Air Providers. 54-3843-4844-38. Ext. 01. Ask for the air thing. They’ll know what you’re talking about.

LOST
My virginity. I’m pretty sure it was behind the sofa, but I seem to have misplaced it after having sex with Tony at that party. Lucy Thompson, Brassdale, AL.

PANCAKES
Are freedom.

FOR SALE
1003 life size busts of Bollywood film editors. Free slightly chewed pen cap included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1. UK

WANTED
Sexy male neighbors of all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds. Must be sexy and male of any persuasion. I cannot emphasize the point enough. I’m tired of looking at my flabby males, I would like some nice ones around for once. Natalie Broadnax Ovaltine, NC

POSITION AVAILABLE
Door knobbler needed to knobble doors. Knobs Inc. 483-39832-884.

FOR RENT
Poorly-functioning area in our power grid. Broken feeder lines and melted above-ground cabling abound. Yours for a pittance! Consolidated Edison, New York, NY

FOR LEASE
Peg leg. I just lost my other leg and don’t need it at this time. $55 per month. Polish included. Ramsay K. Peetingworth, W. Nomaha, NB

POSITION AVAILABLE
Ustrasana yoga position. Lascivious thoughts sold separately. Will offer deal on pair. Ann Pizer Brooklyn, NY

FOR SALE
Apple. It is a new hybrid of Granny Smith and crab. I call it the Grancrabble (TM). It’s got a rather awful taste. Everyone who eats one immediately complains. Five for a dollar. Ghengis Torkum, Box 8382.

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