Classified Ads: Apros 2007

POSITION AVAILABLE
Tire iron, jack and spare tire needed to sit in my car trunk in case of emergency. No pay or time off provided. Sally Macgregor, Attenborough, Scotland. Ring top bell.

FOR SALE
Some sort of smelly whale effulgence I found. €20. Joao Dafrixo, third dinghy on the right, Feces de Abaixo, Portugal.

FOR RENT
Saint Polycarp’s day. Isn’t of much use to us at the moment. $235 billion per millennium or best offer. Cardinal William Joseph Levada, Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Piazza del S. Uffizio, 11, 00193 Rome, Italy

FOR SALE
Electrode alarm clock. Simply attach electrodes to suitable part of the body and set the alarm. £39.98. Alarm clock not included. J. P. Smiley, President, Matthew Sweet Fan Club, P.O. Box Dendrite, Alamathia, EL, 00036.

FOR SALE
Used ball of masking tap with some paint involved. Roughly four inches in diameter. $5.00 or best offer. Call Scott, Room 2, Queens, New York.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Dead bass player and drummer needed to form band in Heaven with Thom Yorke. Radiohead c/o Columbia Records, Hollywood, CA.

FOR SALE
Used Chapstick, raspberry flavor. Approximately 1/3 of tube left. $7.00 or best offer. Hammer, Box 304.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Alamo needed to fall to Mexican Army on March 6th, 1936. Possible promotion to Museum and/or historical site. State of Texas, ring top bell.

FOR SALE
Six legged race horse. Runs 33.33% faster than an ordinary horse. Chernobyl Horse Farm, Chernobyl, Ukraine.

FOR SALE
Life sized model of 104 Statesboro Street, Macon, GA, a lovely old, Antebellum, Neo-Georgian two storey. It’s made of plastic, interlocking blocks, whose trademarked named I need not mention. Perfect for any serious collector of Macon building replicas. £1000.00 plus two sheep. R. Murray, Donaldson Flats MV.

FOR LEASE
Statue of Reginald McDonald, inventor of button holes. $4.00 per hour, minimum of ten hours. No grease may be applied to statue surface. Forgrave Statue Leasing, Buxom, PD.

FOR SALE
Nincompoop, 3rd Class. Melissa Folger, Box 408.

WANTED
100 tons of paste so that I can start my own paste company. Nills Forman, 103 Boxle Street, Cumming, AL.

WANTED
Yorbo Linda, CA, so that I can rename it after my hero, Napoleon and rule as regent over the Grand Duchy of Napo Linda. My brother Lee can be a Viceroy. Rory Alabaster, Pigot Falls, NY.

FOR SALE
Goat shackles. Free fifty-pints of beet pudding included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

FOR SALE
Water. Lots of water. 1 penny per bucketload. Hurry, please hurry. The facet is broken and I can’t turn it off. Cherry Love, 392 West Whitaker Lane, Nimbus, AK.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Former Senator Al Gore needed to stand in my front yard, admiring buckets. I have many nice buckets and just don’t feel that they’re being properly admired. Yalley Festerthyme, Monkeyglove, LA.

WANTED
Yarborough Valley High School Varsity Lacrosse Jersey from 2009. When 2009 comes around, please send to Brewster Buffalo Mulch Corporation, P.O. Box 327, Simi Valley, CA 93062

FOR RENT
One ventricular artery. It’ll be like we’re conjoined twins or something. Should be fun. $25 per day. Please provide own blood. Call Winston Carbuncle at 212-695-7200.

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