CLassified Advertisients: Justinuary 2006

FOR SALE
Mickey Dolenz’ eyebrows. Stolen while he was asleep in the bus station. Yours for $35.00 or trade. Rebecca at line 201.

FOR SALE
4 supertankers full of shaving cream in aloe variety. 1.2 million tonnes total. Free Indira Ghandi necktie included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London SW1, UK

FOR SALE
Wet cardboard. Two cents, or best offer. Timothy, 10 Ran Way, Indian Falls, MV 202919

FOR SALE
200 TW earthquake machine. Causes earthquakes up to 7.1 on the Richter Scale. Not for evil! $300,000.75 plus insurance and transport fees. NASA, Houston, TX

FOR SALE
Croatian sex slave named Angela; 5’9″, light blue eyes, auburn hair and 3% freckle coverage. 36B with quarter sized, darkish pink areolae. $30,000. For sale to good home or enterprising lawyer. Call Ms. Elizabeth at #008.

POSITION AVAILABLE
100 volunteers needed for human-grasshopper hybridization experiments. Earn $7.00 an hour plus a free thorax and all the hemolymph you can stuff in your exoskeleton. Bugman Research Labs, Tripoli, PD. Fax resume/photo to 771-828-2881.

FOR SALE
Photograph of lion. Lion is sitting with quizzical expression. Sketch of lion and my lion poetry also available. Call Todd at 109-332-2272 for price list.

WANTED
Croatian sex slave. 5’6″-5’7″ with light green eyes, strawberry blonde hair and 12-14% freckle coverage. Breasts 34C with Susan B. Anthony dollar sized light pinkish areolae. Name beginning with R preferred. Will accept T or I at substantial discount. Mike Bolton, Esq. Box 222.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Author needed to write long, formulaic, mass-market paperbacks. Highly paid, much publicity. Chance for movie to be made bearing no resemblance to book.
Call Sarah Tam at Lorimer Press, NY, NY

FOR SALE
The book I wrote. While waging a secret, personal war against a corrupt I.R.A. influenced senator covertly financing a Columbian drug cartel, a plucky lawyer uncovers a centuries-old conspiracy by the Vatican to clone dinosaurs led by a young wizard who’s only begun to discover that his fantastic power may spell doom for Shepherd’s Point, a small town in Maine. It’s called Innocent Until Proven Deadly. For sale to a publisher or movie producer. Dan Steele, Hartford, CT.

WANTED
More coffee. I just can’t seem to get going this morning. Please fax coffee to 728-0092-20289. Will fax back $1 per cup. Jim at Intertel Globalcom.

FOR LEASE
Spacious apartment in nice area. Four bedrooms, two full baths. 230,000 square feet. Only $122/month. Perfect for people who don’t need to breathe because the whole space is a vacuum chamber and there’s no air. Carbunkle Realty, 337-2832-28333

FOR RENT
Adenosine
triphosphate.
Call Mit O. Chondria at the corner grocery.

FOR SALE
Doobie Brother. Includes landing gear, vest and sequined bowling apparatus. $450.00 or better offer. James Wilson, Oncology Department, NJ Teaching College.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Woman, age 18-35 needed to sit opposite me on the train. Must be attractive and/or dressed in interesting clothes. Eye contact a possibility. N train, second to last car, most mornings around 8am. I’m the fellow with glasses.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Three Gorges Dam needed to block off Yangtze River in the People’s Republic of China. Top pay, benefits and company car provided. Contact Hu Jintao, Beijing. Room 3.

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