WANTED
Spelunking helmet for medium sized dog. Trevor Malady, 718 Box Street, Pavilion, NH.

FOR SALE
The thing to make all your theories work. Whatever it is, I’ve got it. Need an Earth-sized object in the outer solar system? I’m your man. Aliens in pre-Columbian America? In stock. The remains of big foot? First glass case on the left. Jimmy’s Theoretical Keystones, Katharinetowne, WD.

WANTED
Female Michael Ansara impersonator. Must be able to impersonate Mr. Ansara as Cochise from Broken Arrow, Kang from Star Trek “TOS” and Mohammed from The Message (bikini only). $25/hour. Free punch included. Cookies if available. Alexandra Politchenko, PSU Hall #5, Pylon, PL.

FOR RENT
Toe nails. Several shapes, sizes and colors. 50 cents per day per nail or $75 per year (in advance). Louisa May Alcott, 314-998-1616.

FOR SALE
Large box of punctuation. Includes commas, apostrophes and several semi-colons. No periods. •2.00. Minnie Ghent, Box 421, Grossover CEDEX 7, France.

FREE
Two lovable kittens, one black and white the other tabby. Both short haired and around seven weeks old. Free to a good home. Some assembly required. Yasper Yeats, Talladega, AL.

FOR SALE
One spoon, convex style digging or eating implement. $.02. Yasper, Box 45.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Tire iron, jack and spare tire needed to sit in my car trunk in case of emergency. No pay or time off provided. Sally Macgregor, Attenborough, Scotland. Ring top bell.

FOR LEASE
Seventeen story barn in Financial District. Zoning regulations forbid use by livestock. Spacious haylofts and two elevators for grain. Red in color with “See Rock City” painted on roof. Turing Realty, New York, NY.

WANTED
Series of seven bibs featuring paintings by Titian. I have seven children who need bibs and I’m just delighted by the idea of them making a mess of Titian’s paintings because I hate Titian. Ragard Moore, 748-282-2811, ext. 283. Mention this ad to sell me the bibs.

FOR SALE
Fungus-shaped thermite charges, 30 per box. Realistic spore dispersing action included. Great for fooling and then destroying fungus. Only $65! Rory Macklebik 93 Worcester St., Poughkeepsie, NY 12197

WANTED
A normal German to be my friend. By normal I don’t mean the average German who enjoys necrophiliac movies and does odd things with spandex. I mean a normal German as in an American who can speak with a pretty good Bavarian accent. Call Lucy Spangles at 707-823-7554.

FOR SALE
Impounded lorry full of soiled restaurant clothing. Free 36 ml tube of Veruca Salt vulcanising fluid included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London SW1.

FOR FREE
Giant chicken wire and plaster of paris Buddha statue I made three years ago. It’s pretty darn big. Drooping a bit near Gautama’s buttocks. We’d like some more sun now, so it’s free to anyone who can come get it out of my backyard. Parking for cranes available. Call Joseph Mascis at 202-414-3113.

WANTED
A solution providing orgasms for paramecia. Write to the International Paramecia Operating Group for Orgasms, The Hague, The Netherlands with your proposal.

FOR RENT
Buttery cashew brittle! $2/day. Mrs. Fanny Bukowski, Apartment 3, Roanoke, VA.

FOR SALE
A mellotron. My son said he had always wanted to play the mellotron, but when it arrived it turned out he had meant the wash tub. $3500. Like new. James Thomas Carbunkle IV, West Nickel Lane, Burlington, VT, Sinonipponesia.

FREE
Do you love thinking? Do you often have ideas about God, the place of man in the universe, or the ethics of pudding production? Then you might be a philosophiliac! Come on down for a free examination to find out if you’re a lover of thinking. Remington Philosophiliac Institute, 2401 I-35 Frontage Rd., Oklahoma City, OK 73160

WANTED
Participants needed for a medical study of users of social networking web sites and gullibility. Visit N 33° 39′ 39″ W 95° 33′ 19″.