Classified Ads: Gregor 2007

FOR SALE
Yoga class. I’ve been teaching for years, but as its popularity has exploded, I’d like to move on to teaching something more obscure such as lathing or forgery. No experience required on behalf of the purchaser. Most students won’t know the difference. $600 or three boxes of dried cherries from Traverse City, MI. Write to Yolanda Vega, care of Rockville Centre Chamber of Commerce, Rockville Centre, Long Island, New York.

FOR SALE
Uxorious marriage. I thought it would be nice to have a husband devoted completely to me, but this is simply ridiculous. Visit Maria Testanova at 32 Via Madrigal, Rome, Italy and make an offer.

WANTED
Pictures of cats in costumes. No vampire cats, please. Will offer 25¢ per photograph. However, if pictures of vampire cats are included, I will bludgeon you with an object of my choice. I am completely serious about this. No vampire cat pictures. Email grendelfan35@yahoo.fr.

FOR BARTER
Baseball pitching machine safety manuals. Will trade Flyer XL-57, Johansen Mk. III, and 35q Lemonding manuals for Winston-Zedmore Superdelixe, Overdrive Systems Primary, and 457 Arclite Fantasmo manuals. Meet me on the corner of Marbury and Madison Streets, downtown Kentucky.

FOR FREE
Large quantity of used lamps. Over 300 to choose from. You can pick one, two, or even many lamps and carry them off to your own home. May also be used in businesses or religious buildings (unless your religion prohibits electricity, of course). Write to Kodie Salter, 52 MySterio Lane, Oakland, CA.

FOR SALE
Great item for a Moishe Lembelbach fan! Call me to find out what it is. 876-535-9998.

WANTED
Quartz synthesizing kit. Must include: high pressure chamber, instruction booklet (color only, please), full container of quartz starter solution, cleaning brush, three quartz synthesizing helmets, poly-cotton blend face mask, 18 hour underwear, The Quartz Synthesis Handbook 2006. Please do not include high pressure chambers with 36 mm gas ports. Must be like new. Will pay up to $57 or trade in like value of services. Please write for a list of offered services. Barry Macormack, 85 Aiken St., Kanak, SC.

FOR SALE
Lightly-used wooden bidet. £35.40. Cleaning extra. mendelsohn@brahms.net

WOMAN SEEKING MAN
19 year old, 19 stone nymphet seeks muscular dude to hang out with and have fun. Hanging out and having fun are limited to sexual intercourse three times a day with one instance of cunnilingus. One back rub per week required. No need to provide pumice stones for pedicures. I have my own. Jessica Bradley, Box 30936

FOR RENT
My Luddite boyfriend. Recently traded in all of his compact disc collection for reel-to-reel recordings, burned all of our digital video discs and replaced them with animated picture discs of 1920s era blues singers, and will not allow touch tone telephones or cellular telephones in the apartment. He’s yours for three hours per day with a one week guarantee at $12. Call Alicia Abercrombie at 779-726-5355.

WANTED
False beard made of real human hair. While I’m 14 years old and physically resemble a full-grown man, I still cannot grow facial hair. Anything in brown to dark brown works for me. Will pay cash for creation and delivery. Let me know your prices by visiting my MySpace: www.myspace.com/ogretronmachine

FOR RENT
Rear half of a pug. I’m keeping the front half for my own purposes. Just nickels a day! Write Danny Kilvarough, 355 Frontage Rd., Suburbia, EL, 00475 for more information.

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