Classified Ads: Clauduary 2008

FOR SALE
Electric chin clefter with harness. Wear it while you sleep and after ninety days you’ll have a cleft chin. My own invention. £60.00 plus £4.50 shipping and handling. Pete Townsend, London, UK. Ring top bell.

FOR SALE
One potent bout of dysentery. Highly unpleasant and potentially life-threatening. $4.00 per vial. Great for getting out of social obligations or for practical jokes. Alfonse Chicuba, Box 2417.

FOR SALE
Pudding. Slightly used, with skin over top. Bowl not included. $1,250.oo plus insurance fee. Hydrich Himmler, Jr. 011-39-43-6901-777. 100% Confidential.

FOR SALE
Wax replica of scuba regulator. 90” x 54” x 60”. Includes faux marble pedestal (also made of wax). $150.00. Send inquiries to scubareplicas@lizphair.com.

FOR SALE
Eight thousand four hundred and three sets of M*A*S*H playing cards with Klinger as the Joker. Free red sofa cushion included. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

FOR SALE
Leaky tarp. Blue in color (hexadecimal #0000FF). Perfect for covering old boat. Fifty cents or best offer. Serious inquiries only. Mutton Chop Inn, 573 NE Ruffle St., Plame, WV.

FOR SALE
One human soul. Immortal and made in the image of the Christian God. Slightly tarnished by decades of sin. €50,000, includes carrying case. Rene Chupacabra, Paris, France, Boite #208.

FOR RENT
Dinner at my brother’s house. Arrive by 2:00 PM, leave by 9:00 PM. Includes antipasto with various meats, cheeses, and other “yum yums;” lasagne second course, and main course includes roasted goose with cranberry sauce and trimmings. Dessert of apple crumb pie. Only $400. Find Angela on Facebook.

FOR RENT
Rabbit. One ear missing. 35 extra hairs. No insurance. $2 per day or best offer. Charles Incharge, Lakota Nation, North America.

FOR RENT
Over one hundred cult members. Possibly as many as 103 or 104. Robes and brainwashing included. Must provide own shoes. Grand High Empress Kiwi, 45 Mercer Lane, Chicago, IL 60609.

FOR RENT
Erotic dance moves performed by female human and set to music. Pole extra. Czech regular price. $40 per hour. Liberal Libby: lapmuffin123@yahoo.com

FOR RENT
Small percentage of company. Will exchange sliver of ownership for cash based on value established by “the market.” Steve Wolfbuddy, United States Securities and Exchange Commission, 3 World Financial Center, Suite 400 New York, NY 10281

FORE RENT
You read that right. I will gladly be hired on retainer to yell out “Fore!” when your golf ball is about to hit someone on the course. I’m cheap, too, as I’m out of work. Just $35 a month and I’ll show up anywhere you like. Must include meals. Call Steve Gutenberg, 415-626-9337.

FOR RENT
Grim Reaper bathrobe. Tie-off has a scythe pattern on it. Hood extra. $5 per year. Ask for Jenny at any local restaurant chain.

FOR RENT
Space within my genome. I will gladly remove several thousand base pairs for your own coding. Genes coding for new organelle extremely welcome. Albert Fortran c/o Bert’s Liquor, South Minnetta Strip Mall, Peekhoe, WD.

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