Classifieds: Tiberium 2007

FOR SALE
Hummus, tabouli and babaganush. Nose Ring Girl no longer interested. Contact Perry, LA, CA. Rice cakes also available for minimum fee.

FOR RENT
Vertically halved carrot. $4.00 per day. Vichnan, Pan. Oostle, NH.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Groucher needed to be grouchy. Must stand, arms crossed, face scowled for seven dollars per hour. Bonus for angry grumbling. Cleveland Municipal Government, Box 3, Cleveland, OH.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Aimee Echo handler needed to handle Aimee Echoes. Must walk Aimee Echoes, feed them and clean them of parasites. Must have license and full insurance. Bill Thompings, 7248-54-5955-547-548-1. ext. B.

WANTED
Striped pants. Size 11. Will pay up to $43.00 for lycra or cotton. Must be horizontal stripes. Chinflap O’Connor, Box 809.

FOR SALE
Victor Hugo’s remains in a burlap sack. $300.00, sack $5.00 extra. L’remains Disposoir, Paris France, EU.

FOR RENT
Storage bin for holding the remains of 19th Century French authors. Solid oak, with separate drawers for all major limb bones including the tibia. $5.00 per month. Skeeky, Box 204.

WANTED
Bronze bust of William “Wild Bill” Donovan, must be at least twelve feet tall and made of bronze and be only a bust, not the whole body. $5,000 for bronze bust. Must be of William Donovan. Rector Michaelis, Route 4, Biloxi, MI.

FOR SALE
One Apnea for use in photo shoots featuring scantily clad kind of a weird looking girl who certain people find rather attractive. Tattoo of boxes on arm. $3000 or best offer. Phillip Picnic, Houston, TX.

WANTED
Umlaut to go over a “U” in my band’s official name. Will pay up to $30.00 per dot. Hemlutt the band, Box 809.

FOR SALE
Eight hundred and seven candid photographs of Betty White playing billiards. Free Manchester United commemorative tumbler included. £500.00. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

FOR SALE
Audio recording of a pickle (Kosher dill). Pickle sits on counter making no audible noise for one hour. Available on 8-track, tape, CD, LP, minidisk or MP3. Hippo Records, Box 811o5.

FOR RENT
Spacious shoe box, perfect for storing excess pair of shoes. $1.00 per year. Stu Violet, Stu’s Boxes, Hemper’s Flapping, RI. 85488-98-54756.

WANTED
Sexually promiscuous and trusting hot blonde girl with big tits and nice ass needed to give me directions to Cork. I’m trying to visit the birthplace of author Virgil Buckfuller, but I don’t know how to get there. Will say thank you in a nice voice and nod politely. Nigel Fraps, 32 rue Flace, 75001 Paris.

WANTED
Classic brand of beer revived by modern brewery as watered-down spittoon swill. Please send twelve first-class stamps to Amy Galveston, 385 Leyte Ave. Romaniaville, EL 00347
MSW

WANTED
Blue-haired hottie to help me find my dentures, crack walnuts for me (I have arthritis), and gratify me every 6-12 weeks sexually. Herbert Denster, Plenipotentiary Convalescent Residence, W. 14th St., Brazzaville, NY 11117

FOR SALE
Reproduction cargo cult fetish necklace made from beer can tabs, wing nuts, and bicycle inner tube patches. Only $37!!! Call Barry P. at 703-966-0402.

WANTED
The corpses of Abbot & Costello for an after-dinner engagement. Free dessert. Tony Brummel 346 N. Justine St., Suite 504, Chicago, IL 60607

FREE VIEWING
One plate of cold, roast mutton. Come on by the kitchen window at 233 Mulver St. You won’t be disapointed.

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