Tag Archives: Classifieds

Classifieds Jeremy Rosen

Classifieds: Fabuly 2007

FOR SALE
Jungle sounds. I do excellent monkey noises and can gargle in a way that almost sounds like rain coming down through the canopies of foliage. Others sounds available on request,
send $100.00 for my full catalogue of noises.
Beulla, no. 1546.

FOR LEASE
Elector state of Palatine. Four hamlets, two major cities and full voting control so that you can influence who gets to be Holy Roman Emperor.
M. Hohenzollern, Hanover, Germany.

FOR SALE
Spoon. Made of low-grade alumnium. Lightly used and equipped with jury-rigged electrical tape handle. Good for soups or puddings.
L. Uppercat, Vendor, FL, Box 301.

WANTED
Conversion kit. Must be able to convert 120W AC to gold. Will pay you after I’ve made a bunch of gold.
Miriam Hatchet, Picker’s Flats, VA.

WANTED
Marlborough’s plan and full order of battle for the week prior to Blenheim. Also, a working time machine so I can go back to 1704 and give them to Tallard because I’d prefer it if Wittlesbach had been able to secure the Hapsburg throne.
Wilma Thrasher, Brighton Beach, NY or UK, either one. 113-1104-1214.

FOR RENT
Quality buttons. May not be attached to clothing.
Lou’s Buttons 231 38th St. New York, NY 10012

WANTED
Funding. At least fifty million needed for an experimental physics project where we use three brightly lit spinning poles to dematerialize dust and/or sand for some reason. The poles will spin really, really fast.
Contact the Queens Marshland Experimental Physics Laboratory, Queens, NY. Ring top bell.

FOR SALE
New religion I made up where it turns out that we’re all just Pre-Ghosts® and will one day be ghosts and then die again and then we’re Double-Ghosts®. Neat, huh? $50.00. Includes nearly completed holy book manuscript.
Call Tobit at 931-416-4.

FOR RENT
My new algorithm for determining how many cows are present by counting legs. L/4 = C, where L is the number of legs and C is the number of cows. Works for dogs too! $.25 for each calculation. Ask about my handy quantum physics metaphors involving ice skating. Melinda Huggankiss. Fort Roxy, Maryland. Upstairs.

WANTED
New book of the Bible (New Testament) where the Apostle Peter wins a skateboard contest and saves the neighborhood skate park from the greedy developers. Will pay up to $53.00.
Contact Maury Sturgeon, 4, rue Cracy, Paris 70024, EU.

WANTED
Something like a can opener, but for bottles. Call Scroter Numbly at 212-888-2112

FOR SALE
My web site dedicated to everything that isn’t robots, sex, do-it-yourself, internet fads and copyright. Will sell for $33,000 or trade for a lifetime supply of black kernel popcorn.
Johnny Donothing 45 Alabaster Way Concrete, OT

WANTED
Two can beer cooler. Must have a picture of a toucan on it, be made of heavy-duty plastic with a brushed metal casing, have indentations on the top in which to place the cans of beer, and include an AM radio in the handle. Also, must have a handle. Will pay up to $77.
Email me at h.adams@nytimes.com

FOR SALE
Your choice of two of the following: 33 ounce cup from Save ‘n’ Such, China, melted pinking shears passed off as art, any two of the uninhabited Solomon Islands, the 1st edition of the International Telecommunications Manual, half a meerschaum ice cube tray, 31.5 playing cards, a packet of 20 Class B cigarettes, one unframed and unsigned photograph (matte not glossy) of Golda Meir, two desiccated sticky frog toys, Herb the auto mechanic, an entire tub of It’s Butter (light flavour), seventeen broken lathes, Ivan IV’s garbage receptacle, or your choice of hyperlink on bbc.co.uk. Free gallon of spider laxative included. Before June 27th, write to:
Tony Blair
10 Downing St.
London, SW1
United Kingdom