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Interesting Bits for Learned Gentlemen

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Rommel Best Looking WWII Leader

At their annual summit last month, the Ancient Guild of World Historians released new findings which indicated that German Field Marshal Erwin “The Desert Fox” Rommel was by far the most handsome military leader of the Second World War.

Not only, the Historians say, was Rommel tall, strong and striking in his full Field Marshal uniform, but he had the piercing eyes of a poet; at once soulful and powerful. Other parts of the release referred to the Marshal as “dreamy, keen and stoic in very cool way.” Although Rommel was unable to defeat Patton and Montgomery in North Africa nor overcome the Allies in the Battle of the Bulge, he looked so beautiful when the sunlight hit his long eyelashes, giving them a glittery appearance. Also noted were his well built arms, strong legs and firm buttocks, all well accentuated by the crisp lines of his always well maintained and resplendent uniform.

Historian (Second Order of the Griffin) Doctor Hubert Van Tuyll stated “Many of the generals of World War II were down right homely; Montgomery was a skinny little man with a big nose and beady eyes, while Omar Bradley just looked like a potato with glasses. Without a doubt, Rommel is by far the most handsome of the lot.”

American General and future president Eisenhower was generally given second place, although historians were quick to note that his was a more boyish look, while Rommel had a much more manly handsomeness. The Historians did note, however, that most of the leaders of the Second World War were older, often grizzled men, the really attractive people during that time were the young soldiers; ruddy and tanned barrel-chested young lads fresh from muscle-building farm labor and crisp and striking in their new uniforms.

General Ranking:

Most Handsome:
Erwin Rommel (Germany)
Dwight David Eisenhower (United States)
Ozawa Jisaburo (Japan)
Douglas MacArthur (United States)
Georgi Zhukov (Soviet Union)

Least Handsome:
Omar Bradley (United States)
Benito Mussilini (Italy)
Nikita Kruschev (Soviet Union)
Henrich Himmler (Germany)
Charles De Gaulle (France)

The March of Progress: July 2004

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Scienticians Create Cybernetic Tractor

tractorg

The Agr0Farm TRACTORG® and the
unwillingly abducted person who now
acts as the tractor’s control system.

The countless unexplained disappearances throughout the State of Montsylvania have finally been explained. It seems that AgroFarm, a subsidiary of Daniel Bester Inc., has been abducting countless people and using these unwilling souls as components in their new class of cyborg-controlled tractors.

TRACTORG®, the new line of tractors, freatures human brains which act as control units for the state-of-the-art tilling equipment. In the construction of TRACTORG® models, innocent people are kidnapped off the street or from their homes, then taken to the AgroFarm production facility where they are assimilated.

The painful and horrific process of assimilation involves the amputation of unnecessary limbs, the implantation of interface nodes inot the cictim’s brain, and the eradication of all personality. While the subjects remain aware of the their surroundings, and while they are no doubt capable of feeling great pain and suffereing at their loss of individuality, the people are no longer capable of expressing such things, and thus these emotions are of no consequence to the farmers and agriculturalists who utilize the TRACTORG® technology.

An AgroFarm spokesman reported that while thousands upon thousands of innocent people are suffering horrors beyond comprehension, it is well worth it, because the TRACTORG® models are nearly six percent more efficient than non-cyborg controlled farming equipment.

While the victims’ families have attempted to file a civil suit against AgroFarm’s parent company Daniel Bester Inc., the suit has been dismissed by Circuit Court Judge James Thorax, who by a mere coincidence is also Honorary Vice-President of AgroFarm.

Be sure to check out the whole line of TRACTORG® models when they officially premier at the World Tractor Fair, being held next July at the Actria Falls, Elizabethia Civics Center.

Ideal Tractor

News of the World: July 2005

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Eight Persons Consumed
in Deadly Tractor Fire!

victims

Helmutsboro, WD– In what has become a startling trend across this great land, eight more lives were claimed Tuesday night by the Herkison “Semiglide Model V” Tractor-Mulcher. Although Imbecile Party Presidential Candidate and Self-Proclaimed “Product Safety Guru” Ralph Nader described the Semiglide Model V as “A fully dangerous piece of farming equipment which is unsafe at an measurable velocity,” the tractor remains popular amongst farmers due to its many spacious cup holders and its bucket seats, which can sit up to ten average sized adults.

Montsylvania College of Technology Design Arts Physics Professor Dr. Stephen Hocking claimed that Mr. Nader’s comments are unfounded as there is no way to measure both the velocity and position of the tractor simultaneously. “In fact,” added Hocking “the very act of measuring the tractor changes the very nature of the tractor, so there is no way to accurately measure it. Therefore, how does one ever determine a safe ‘measurable velocity’ of the Semiglide, or of any tractor or riding mulcher for that matter?”

Though Hocking’s defense of the tractor is scientifically accurate, this is of little consolation to the families of the Semiglide’s latest victims, the eight souls claimed Tuesday night when a Semiglide Model V belonging to Helmutsboro agriculturalist Tommy Thalmudge spontaneously burst into flames. Even though the victims attempted to escape, witnesses described that they died horrible, agonizing deaths in the flaming tractorous hell pit. The tendency of the Semiglide Model V to burst into flames without warning is attributed to the location of the main hydrogen bladder, which is directly adjacent to the tractor’s spark plug ignition mechanism. When the tractor’s engine is engaged, it is possible for rouge sparks from the ignition to contact the hydrogen bladder and cause spontaneous combustion, resulting in a massive fire which immediately consumes the tractor and all its unfortunate occupants.

In our exclusive interview, Mr. Nader questioned the very reasoning behind putting a hydrogen bladder on a tractor at all. “Why” he asks “Did the designers put a hydrogen bladder on a tractor? There is no reason to have it there at all, it doesn’t facilitate farming or tilling at all, in fact, the cumbersome bladder seems to get in the way of tilling actually. And, since hydrogen is highly flammable, it seems strange that the designers would include an unnecessary hazard that actually limited the capabilities of the machine. This is evidence of a very poor design.”

A spokesman for the Herkson Traction Company stated that while the company felt the pain of the victims’ families, the operating guide distributed with every tractor clearly states that there is a danger of combustion if the tractor is ever used for any reason. “These deaths are unfortunate” stated Herkson spokesman Tad Mailing “but to hold the company legally responsible for these deaths is absurd. The customers knew what they were doing, the danger is clearly stated in the owner’s manual, furthermore, not adhering to the manual not only voids the warranty, but also prohibits any legal action against the company.”

No matter who happens to be correct, it is a very sad day for Helmutsboro, and for all farmers and tractor fanciers everywhere.

A Special News Sectionomial

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BILLIONAIRE BUILDS BIG BOHEMOTH!

Reclusive billionaire Daniel Bester unveils the “Pine Swine” the worlds
largest wooden tractor at its construction site.

Himmitsboro, PD– After years of speculation and millions of euros in government funds, Daniel Bester Inc. finally debuted The Pine Swine, a tractor of Biblical proportions, which, we are told, was hand designed by Mr. Daniel Bester himself using only a ruler and a #2 (HB) pencil.

At twenty stories high and three hundred feet long, the Pine Swine, the world’s largest land tractor, is by far the world’s largest land tractor.

While many in the construction and tractoronomy industries are doubtful about the usefulness of a tractor that requires a crew of seven hundred and eighty six stout men to operate, Daniel Bester Inc. spokesman Flip Sweetly stated that “this project represents the greatest human agricultural achievement since the invention of the bean. Without a doubt, it makes all other tractors appear small by comparison.”

Sources close to Elizibethian Senator Judita Yammersling, Chair of the Senate’s Farm Equipment Committee, claim that the Senate approved funding for the Pine Swine Project due to recent reports of a “Tractor-Gap.” Only last year Soviet scientists unveiled “Kryntchnyrna” a tractor of near-epic proportions which was, at the time, the largest tractor in the world, surpassing the largest Western tractor by three eighths of a furlong.

While many are critical of the idea of unchecked global proliferation of the so-called “Super-Tractors,” most are simply awed by the shear plowing capability of this newest modern marvel of man-made machinery. The Pine Swine can plow 1 million deci-acres of farmland, or roughly an area the size of the State of Montsylvania, in only 2 days.

Although The Pine Swine is not the first nuclear powered tractor, it is the first to use a cold-fusion reactor, rather than an older styled fissionable mass reactor.

Either way, the Pine Swine will no doubt be remembered as
being one of the largest wooden tractors of all time.

Fashion of the World

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Denizens of Trendy Williamsburg, NY Areas Adopt New Tractor Fad

“Tractors are cool” -Grand St. Resident Steve Silachs

Despite the fact that she is pictured
naked, Katie Valencia is a world renowned
expert on clothing styles and clothing-
related-item styles. She is director of the
International Garment Consortium and also
collects rare or misshapen weasel skulls.

The neighborhood of Williamsburg, in Brooklyn, NY, has seen many interesting new fashion trends in the past few years since the light-industrial zoned area became a haven for artists, trendniks and other malcontents.

The trendniks’ fashion sense is inherently tied to nostalgia, especially ironic nostalgia. Thus, the trendniks can often been seen sporting circa 1950s Soviet paraphernalia, circa 1960s unkempt haircuts, circa 1970s tight jeans, and circa 1980s Pumas.

Essentially, the idea of trendnik fashion is simple; the older and more lame the garment, the greater ironic appeal it possesses. Thus, when this idea is carried to its natural conclusion, the average trendnik begins dressing for the 2000s by wearing the clothing and accessories of a rural farmer in 1980s Kentucky; including but not limited to trucker hats, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Johnny Cash records.

The latest trend to hit the L train follows this progression. Recently, many twenty-somethings in Bedford and Alphabet City have been seen raising chickens, hunting for deer, and most importantly, driving tractors from their studio apartments to their various destinations; art galleries, faux dive bars, Thai eateries, and organic natural food stores.

Tractor popularity amongst urban post-youths is, according to the trade journal Annual Tractor Sales Quarterly, at an all time high. Though tractor dealers are pleased with current popularity of urban farm equipment and accessories, most dealers are realistic about the trend.

“While my sales are up 200% for this quarter” stated Greenpoint tractor dealer ‘Honest Hank’ Gronjez “I figure this fad will go away just like pet rocks or parachute pants.”

Fashion insiders are skeptical that the trendniks will continue the tractor trend, especially since Agro-Farm, a division of Daniel Bester Inc. had recently signed a deal with VonDutch and Steve Madden Shoes to sell the “Infinity Mark VIII Tractor” in H&M retail outlets throughout the five boroughs, no doubt increasing the popularity of tractors to the point where trendniks will no longer favor them. The fact that Agr0-Farm has recently hired Ashton Kutcher as its official spokesman for the “Infinity Mark VIII” seems to back up the idea that the tractor trend has a limited lifespan.

Either way, next time you walk down Lorimer Street, make sure you don’t get run over by the tractor, the newest ironic Williamsburg trend.