Category Archives: News

Find out what’s going on in alternate dimensions.

The March of Progress: February 2005

Posted on by
9

APOLLO IS PROGRAM OF LIES

Jeremy Rosen
Jeremy Rosen is an investigative reporter who, in 1995, won the Pulitzer Prize for his work “HO: Not the Way to Go” in which he first publicized the failures of the HO Scale for model train hobbyists. To this day, he remains an advocate of the N Gage system of model trains.

Like most of the members of the public, I have always been told that the United States of America sent spaconauts to the surface of the moon where they first landed at the Sea of Tranquility in July of 1969. Until recently, I believed this like a stupid blind-folded sheep. Until recently, that is.

As many of our usual readers know, my grandfather worked for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration from 1964-1972. Last year he succumbed to his battle with Legionnaires’ Disease and I came to see him as he lay dying on his deathbed. Withered and frail, he lacked the robustidy of his former years, yet in his eyes I could see a tenacity of conviction I had ne’re seen before.

There he gave me apiece of proof that America faked the moon landings for the purpose of stealing victory in the Space Race. It, and other proof, will be analyzed below. Did men actually walk on the surface of the moon, or was it all a big lie? Only you can decide to be the judge.

Entrail Ice Cream

The Moon Landing Was Fake

Above is the now-famous evidence of the moon landing hoax, first procured by my Grand-pappy from top-secret NASA archives which were buried in tin boxes on the island of Corregidor, forever hidden from the innocently prying eyes of the public and the world. This image was taken from a roll of photographic negatives, before the developed pictures were printed and doctored by special photographical doctoring technicians at NASA. This is the original picture and if studied carefully, it reveals a plethora of information. Also it reveals of wealth of proof of the duplicitous NASA conspiracy.

The first bit of proof we will explore is the most obvious. Note that there are no stars in the background of this picture. On an atmosphereless moon, the stars would be clearly visible. Obviously NASA knew that skilled observers would be able to tell that stars in the pictures were not correctly located as they would be seen from the lunar surface, so the stars were omitted, replaced by what is clearly a black painted backdrop.

Now, remember that there is only one light source on the moon; the sun. Yet the astronaut, the lander, and even the rocks all have multiple shadows, no doubt emanating from the various lighting rigs used on the sound stage where this photograph was taken. Another curious lighting feature is the fact that the American flag and the “USA” emblem on the lander are both lit perfectly while the rest of the lander is in shadow. Clearly, these effected were created with well-directed spot lights.

The “lunar surface” in this photograph shows lines of erosion, as one would find in a terrestrial environment. Where there is neither wind nor water there can be no erosion. Yet the dirt on the floor of the soundstage definitely shows signs of erosion.

Notice also the image of the Earth which hangs in space, or so we are led to believe. This is, without an iota of doubt, a painting. Plus you can see the camera crew reflected in the visor of the astronaut’s helmet, a rock has writing on it which reads “Place in Grid C,” most likely a note for the set preparers, and plus an object sticks down into the frame and resembles a boom mike.

This is no doubt damning proof of NASA’s lies to the world. Write your congress-persons and tell them that you want the truth to be heard.

The March of Progress: January 2005

Posted on by
4
JEWS IN SPACE!

A Look at the Adventure of Following the 613 in Space

Jerusalem 5: Israel’s new space station is our last best hope for Shalom!

As humanity moves further into the Space Age, the burden will be upon us evermore so to redefine our cultural traditions for the new environment of the Void. As we explore the stars, so must we reëxplore ourselves.

Of utmost import to me today are the 613 commandments which Jews are obligated to practice. I’ve used a fine Pre-Ciso knife to whittle down the list to a few choice items. Earlier, I took the opportunity to sit down with three leading Rabbinical authorities to discuss the challenges inherent to the prospect of Jewry in Space, specifically the practice of the 613 Mitzvot.

Though they differed on many key points, as Rabbis often do, they agreed that tradition must not be forgotten; indeed our cultural legacies are perhaps the most important cargo we will collectively stow away for our long voyage into the Universe.


Rabbi Menachem Schmileson started the Rabbinical Institute for the U.S. Department of the Navy during World War II and has been at the forefront of the automated bris movement since 1962. While there have been some recent problems with the fourth generation of robotic circumcision equipment, stock in Mecha-Snip! LLC has skyrocketed.


Rabbi Jared Schmendelson is a graduate of the Yeshiva Gran Tourismo in Milan, Italy and specializes in practical applications of the Torah in the formula 1 racing circuit and has published many papers on the transmission of the Talmud via quantum entanglement. He is currently rabbi-in-residence at the Art Nouveaux Reform Temple in Charlotte, NC.


Rabbi Ahuva Zusman Keshet was the only Ultra-Orthodox scholar willing to participate in this forum. He did not offer any biographical information, but he has a wonderful felt hat.

And Now the Discussion

Jews are commanded to affix a mezuzah (a small prayer scroll in a case) to the doorpost of their home. Obviously this would not apply to a temporary dwelling such as a space ship. However, we currently have an International Space Station in orbit. What is the proper place in which to affix a mezuzah in the ISS?

Schmileson: Well, the ISS has airlocks, not doors, so while it is an entrance, it has no doorposts. Furthermore, it’s a modular system. So let’s say you put the mezuzah in one module and it’s connected to another. Which way is in and which way is out? My solution would be to place a mezuzah on both sides of the airlock.

Schmendelson: Clearly a mezuzah belongs on the main access hatchway, however the main living compartment also contains a toilet facility, which makes it a space used for unclean actions. A mezuzah on the main access hatchway is the only reasonable place.

Keshet: Jews should not live in the space station.

Jews are commanded to recite the Shema every morning and every night. How could this be accomplished in orbit or in an interplanetary spaceship, where night and day do not necessarily apply?

Schmendelson: The mission time is set at the launch point of the aircraft for orbital missions. Day and night should be judged according to that time on the ISS. As for an orbital mission, the same general time applies. For a journey to another planet or star, it becomes debatable. The launch facility time should be used until halfway through the mission, then the time at the place of landing or orbit should be used for the other half.

Keshet: Jews should not travel in space.

Schmileson: The most appropriate time is the time in Jerusalem for interplanetary expeditions. Once arrived, the day and night cycle will be completely different. G-d did not command us to observe our circadian rhythms, but the Days and Nights. When on another planet, the rising and setting of the Sun as seen from that planet should be used. While I’m sure G-d would appreciate the Shema twice every 90 minutes, he knows that such blessing would detract from the temporal mission. It’s best to follow mission time.

There is also a commandment not to leave a beast which has fallen beneath its burden unaided. Positing that the vessel in which one travels through the Void is such a beast, what should an observant Jew do in a vessel which is in danger?

Keshet: Spaceships and space stations are not beasts. Jews should not be in them, on them or around them.

Schmileson: Absurd. Totally absurd. Vessels are obviously not beasts. Would you have sailors tend to their ships as animals?

Schmendelson: Sailors tend to treat their vessels as being alive and thus with care. The same could be said of a void-traversing vessel, which provides more life and sustenance for the traveler than any surface vessel. Care should be taken to meet the needs of the ship.

Let’s say you’re traveling with an Ammonite or a Moabite.

Schmileson: There are no more of those people.

Okay. You colonize the planet and only have a daughter, while a Gentile has a son. These are the only progeny. How do you continue the colony?

Schmendelson:If there is a Gentile who does not convert, I would say the special circumstances allow the union, but not if it be forced. How is the seed of Israel to continue in the stars?

Schmileson: Jews should not travel with gentiles, but in such a case I would say smite the Moabite or Ammonite and impress upon the Gentile to convert. If this does not happen, artificial insemination would be appropriate if everyone cared for the ensuing children. However, Jews don’t belong in space, so the question is moot.

Keshet: The colony should never have started.

Jews are not supposed to work on the Sabbath (and other holidays). How is this accomplished in an environment where mere existence is and relies upon work?

Schmendelson: If you cannot live without the work you must do daily I feel it’s the same as the accommodations made to those who are too frail or unhealthy to not eat on days where Jews fast, like Yom Kippur. If not maintaining the space craft or station will endanger your life, you may continue to work.

Schmileson: That sounds Kosher to me.

Keshet: Yet another reason why the Void is no place for Jews.

What about eating organisms on another planet? Certainly if there are creatures on another world they will be significantly different from those on Earth. What is the far-flung traveler to do?

Schmileson: That is particularly un-Kosher. The expedition should bring enough supplies with it for the duration of its stay. If a colony is planned, I suppose a trained Rabbi should be sent along to decide what’s Kashrut. One should hope that there are ruminants or cloven hooved creatures on the colony world.

Keshet: You just keep proving my point. If your daddy was circumcised and wore a yarmulke, don’t step off-planet.

Schmendelson: I would say that under the circumstances, of which there are many different ones, alien creatures could be eaten if lives were at stake, but every effort should be made to bring along that which is needed to survive.

Now, you’re not to possess inaccurate scales or weights. How does a Jew conducting business in space or on another planet do so properly?

Schmileson: That’s pretty simple. Just recalibrate your instruments to work on the other planet. Modern technology is quite useful, just don’t do it on the Sabbath (and charge interest).

Schmendelson: If you’re traveling to many different worlds, it may become difficult to carry the proper weights and scales. I would suggest that any businessmen not deal goods while traversing the Void.

At this point Rabbi Keshet left the Kosher deli in which we were having our discussion. I’ve not heard from him since, but he left his hat, so if anyone knows where he is make sure to drop us a line.

Men and women are exhorted not to wear the clothing of the other. How does this apply to spacesuits, which were originally worn by men?

Schmileson: Spacesuits can be considered tools and not clothing, therefore it does not matter who wears them. As for the coveralls worn underneath, these are not intended for people of either sex, so may be worn by both without problem.

Schmendelson: I’m sure as the human presence in space grows, people will come to treat spacesuits as a fashion statement. As such, a man should not wear a woman’s spacesuit or vice versa, as it will be a personal exhibition of that person’s cultural mores.

Finally, there are several injunctions against letting an uncircumcised person touch holy things. What if aliens do not have penises or male and female.

Schmileson: I’m not even going to get into that one.

Schmendelson: Maybe Jews shouldn’t be in space after all.

Clearly, the expansion of the Hebrew peoples throughout the cosmos is a question meant for the Talmud. Hopefully, this article will be the first step in a close examination of the circumstances Jewry will encounter among the many stars. Surely many of these can be answered before we leave the atmospheres for the greater glory of the galaxy. If there are any rabbis out there who would like to add to this column, please feel free to contact the editors of this fine magazine.

Written by

Jeremy Rosen is Extra-President of the United States of America,
a position created under the new 29th Amendment to the
Constitution. Also he is an ex-aircraft carrier designer for
the Messerschmitt Company.

The March of Progress: December 2004

Posted on by
Reply

Submarine Aircraft Carrier Hybrid Craft Remarkable Failure

Jeremy Rosen
Sir Jeremy-Joseph Rosen, Bart. VC. is Caretaker of the Crown Spoons Collection for Her Majesty.

Submarine

Secretary of the American Naval Kreigsmarine (SECAMNAK) Grand Admiral Alouicious R. Humphrey announced yesterday, with a published report, that the United States will no longer seek the deployment of the experimental submersible aircraft carrier. Following weeks of testing in the North Atlantic, the project was finally scrapped after no fewer than seven F-3.14 “Cascading Walnut” air superiority aircraft failed to take off from the deck of the submerged aircraft carrier. The first of the submarine carriers, CVJ-01 the USS Al Gore, returned to its base at Norfolk, Virginia where it will be converted into a cargo transport.

Project Orient officially began in 1996, when the Pentagon drew up plans for a submersible aircraft deployment ship which was to act as the center of a new submersible fleet group to operate worldwide. The strategic aim of the project was the creation of an advanced fleet group undetectable to enemy satellites, which could project American military power globally. Throughout the next eight years this dream would become a reality, except for the fact that the prototype submersible carrier suffered from many design failures.

In May of last year, the initial testing of the Al Gore led to the destruction of three airplanes, when the pilots were unable to land properly on the submarine’s small flight deck. While initially the Navy chalked this crashes up to pilot error, a later inquiry revealed that the two hundred and thirty foot long deck provided insufficient space for the landing of aircraft. Even when eighty four separate braking cables were installed the carrier project continued to suffer from problems, as planes equipped with the necessary eighty four tail-hooks proved difficult to maneuver, especially on landing.

Despite the difficulties and design problems, the second phase of testing began in January of this year, when four separate take-off attempts were made by aircraft from the “Yellow Jacket” Squadron of the First Naval Air Wing. The first two tests went swimmingly, as the catapult launched aircraft were able to easily take off. The submerged take-offs however, proved far less successful. Modifications made to the Walnuts to allow submerged operation, including the oxygen tanks attached to the front of the jet intakes and the large valves added to the aft burners to allow combusted gasses to escape while keeping water out, made to planes too unwieldy for flight. The second tests, with highly modified rocket powered Walnuts were also unsuccessful, leaving four experimental craft lying at the bottom of the Atlantic.

In recent article in the Navy Proceedings announced the final death of the Al Gore project. Admiral Humphrey addressed the program’s critics, many of whom had long claimed that a submersible aircraft carrier was just stupid. “Yes,” the Admiral stated in the report “Now that I think about it, it was a really stupid idea. I’m not sure what we were thinking.”

U.S.S. Al Gore

Election Special

Posted on by
Reply

America Decides

The People Have Spoken!

ARMSTRONG
DEFEATS
HANDLEY

PACK YOUR BAGS, JOHNNY!
Incumbent Loses to Challenger in Biggest Landslide since 1980

armstrong
Doing the Victory Dance: Armstrong (above) meets with jubilant supporters upon hearing the good news. Aides say official victory speech will be delievered at 9pm tonight.

ARMSTRONG: 443
HANDLEY: 198

Election Results

Armstrong/Whitworth Handley/Page

Dick Armstrong
Neil Whitworth
(Free America Party)
443 Electoral Votes.
108, 837, 927 Popular Votes

John Handley/Al Page
(American Freedom Party)
198 Electoral Votes.
48, 456, 008 Popular Votes

Mitchell Focke / Adrian Wulf
(Libertariat Party)
0 Electoral Votes. 129, 876 Popular Votes

Silas Mikoyan / Jim Gurevic
(American Communazi Party)
0 Electoral Votes. 23, 764 Popular Votes

Axes & Alleys Political Analysis
6 January, 2005
Washington, D.C.

As 7 PM passed in the nation’s capital, feelings were high at the Handley/Page local headquarters. So high, in fact, that John Handley was victoriously parading around in a pair of very short, very tight shorts with the Free-American Party logo on the seat, and only those shorts. Grasping a bottle of strawberry milk, his exultant shouts were unintelligible.

Handley ran an often truculent and strange campaign. When trouncing rival Mitchell Focke in the primaries, he reminded the country that it wouldn’t want to get focked up. Often in the debates he used a joy buzzer when shaking hands with his rivals, sometimes resorting to the classic water-spraying lapel flower when a rival seemed to be gaining rhetorical steam. Once he pulled a balloon from his pocket, blew it up while Dick Armstrong was giving a rebuttal, made it into a simian shape of some sort and then pointed to Armstrong while raising his eyebrows at the animal shape.

About the only piece of true policy expository to come out of the Handley camp was its engagement in a fierce denunciation of the Armstrong/Whitworth surplus budget deficit re-allocation plan. Handley and running mate Al Page often referred to the plan as “really stupid” and the Armstrong/Whitworth campaign as “a bunch of limp [expletive] drunkards who can’t [expletive] their way out of wet newspaper.”

One would assume that perhaps they did not like the American-Freedom Party candidates, though it is true that Al Page has no children and Armstrong scored poorly on the ACT. Al Page, the former Accadian governor, gave the campaign momentum and energy. Mr. Page often starts his day with five cups of espresso, takes two cans of Jolt cola with lunch and snacks on coffee beans throughout the day. The moniker “Al Valdez” was never more appropriate. At the headquarters on election night, Page was heard giving a two hour monolog on how much he liked black brassieres, pausing only once to plow his way through six chocolate lady fingers.

Election Results

The Armstrong/Whitworth campaign, spending election night fishing from the American-Freedom Party’s trawler in Lesser Lake Eerie, was biting its nails after exit polling in New York showed a revitalized Focke/Wulf campaign gaining ground there. New York state had come into play when Dick Armstrong stated that the state had been nothing but a blight on the Armpit of America for decades and that the neighboring state of New Jersey would probably do well in invading New York City and forcing the state to come to terms. While Upstate New York supported the measure, The City became slightly unhappy, burning the Armstrong/Whitworth campaign headquarters in Queens to the ground as several campaign staffers and the American-Freedom Party chairman Charles “Pork Papa” Coltrane died in the ensuing riot in Little Italy, choking to death on an unidentified pasta product forcibly shoved down their throats. The Focke/Wulf campaign took advantage of the unrest to state “we, uh, really like New York.”

Apart from this small setback, the Armstrong/Whitworth campaign had remained fairly steadfast and moderate throughout the year. When asked how moderate he was by a reporter, Armstrong replied “on a scale of one to three, I would say I’m about a two.” The campaign was met with next-day headlines of “Armstrong Only a Two!” and most reports suspiciously left out the previous clause and question mentioning both the scale upon which Armstrong was measuring himself and what the scale measured.

Armstrong
Seducing the Electorate: Armstrong greets friends and family after the third debate.

When engaging John Handley in the last debate, Armstrong brought along a large plastic tarpaulin with which to cover himself during Handley’s frequent outbursts of juvenile comedy. The Handley campaign immediately called a foul with the Presidential Debate Commission, citing the half-paragraph agreement signed by the two camps which they stated did not allow plastic tarpaulins. The Armstrong campaign quickly released the document, noting that it did not address the subject of tarpaulins or wide-brimmed 10 gallon cowboy hats, which Armstrong had also worn during the debate. The question is still in arbitration with the PDC as of the writing of this article, with an addendum by the Armstrong camp denouncing the inappropriate attire of Mr. Handley during the four debates. Mr. Handley wore an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, jeans and galoshes with a bright orange tam in each debate.

As 11 PM drew close, the election was still in doubt. With the Interconnected Network as always barren of information and news stations switching away from election coverage to the growing beer scandal in Jamaica, only New York had been clearly called because of it’s new “Voter-Vibrator” initiative. Then something unexpected happened. Georgia, Florida, Accadia, Kentucky and South Carolina were all called for Armstrong. In the final analysis, it seems that the pollsters in those states had forgotten to actually poll anyone and had made up their statistics to meet deadlines. (Ed. Note —At this moment, the Senate Sub-Committee on Business has been investigating polling operations in several states, with its chairman Ed Nasucs (A-MV) calling pollsters “those [expletive].”) Their information was clearly incorrect as Armstrong captured those states by margins as great as 30 points.

In hindsight Armstrong’s strong stance on cockfighting and mullet subsidies paved the way for his victory. In Accadia a ballot initiative forcing the state to pay for mud flaps brought out the vote for Armstrong, a former CEO of American Mudflappery and lobbyist for the flap industry. An interesting side note: the Libertariat campaign of Focke/Wulf, even with Adrian Wulf, former Accadian governor on the ticket, received only 17 votes in Accadia. It’s likely that voters there remembered his poor stewardship of the state’s large tarmac industry.

Things seemed in the balance again as California, New Jersey and Massachusetts were all called for Handley. Apparently some backlash had come from the insinuation made by Armstrong that New Jersey was the Armpit of America, a title bequeathed by Congressional legislation to Iowa decades ago.

Handley/Page
Nothing Fails Like Failure: Vice President Al Page (left) and President John Handley (right) make their concession speech.

The margins were narrow in those states, but Handley had played a major county by county coup in sending in a corps of whisperers. These Whisperers for Handley consistently repeated his name wherever they were in the three weeks leading up to Election Day. Handley’s name could be heard in the lavatory, grocery, toll booth and even movie theaters as a continuous background noise. Psychology experts, who have strongly assailed the viability of subliminal messages, are left baffled.

By 11:35 PM, the totals were Handley/Page 113 E.V.’s to Armstrong/Whitworth’s 65. Shortly thereafter, yet another upset was recorded. Garnering the entirety of its national votes from the Bellamure State of Montsylvania, the strained partnership of Silas Mikoyan and Jim Gurevich; Communazi candidates running on a policy of threatening reporters, vowing to destroy the Moon and racial purity, flipped the percentages in that state virtually handing its electoral votes to the Armstrong/Whitworth campaign. With Minnesota and Kalisotta following Montsylvania’s lead, Armstrong was ahead 114 to Handley’s 113.

From that point on, state after state was called for Armstrong. Armstrong and running mate Neil Whitworth (a former show girl) even made a rare mid-evening television appearance wherein they held up a Handley/Page campaign sign and laughed for two and a half minutes. This is suspected to have swung Alaska’s votes towards Armstrong as Alaskans have a reputation for enjoying laughter.

Hawaii eventually went to Handley/Page, which is likely due to the traditional Hawaiian dislike of laughing. At this point in the night, Handley, dressed in a flowing kimono and kabuki makeup, made his concession speech. Al Page had been rushed to a nearby hospital to have his stomach pumped. After Kalisotta was called for Armstrong, Page had proceeded to swallow his own tie and down what he thought was a bottle of tequila but which was actually a container of lemon-fresh deodorizer left behind by a thoughtless janitor. Handley told reporters and the nation that he no longer wished to be president and was going to pursue a career in puppetry, hoping to further his cause with giant puppets paraded at world-wide anti-globalization protests.

Election Coverage brought to you by
Spectaculorg!

When a reporter referred to him as Mr. Handley, Handley interrupted her and asked to be referred to as Chester Copperpot, Explorer, from now on. As of this writing, Handley is believed to be sequestered in the high-security wing of an undisclosed psychiatric hospital.

At the end of the official counting period, the final totals showed Armstrong/Whitworth with 443 Electoral Votes to Handley/Page’s 198. The American-Freedom Party had garnered a true mandate in America with nearly 109 million votes, leaving the Free-American Party to wonder how horribly it had screwed up, holding a paltry 48 million votes. Free-American party leadership appears to have given up as no one from that party has shown up for this session of Congress except for George Garrity (F-NY), who stated he liked Congressional Cafeteria sandwiches very much.

What this means for the future of the nation is uncertain as a quorum of voting members in Congress is unavailable. President-Elect Armstrong may be forced to attempt to use directives to run the country and will have no cabinet, running the nation with two office secretaries and Vice President-Elect Page running notes to and from the Executive Office Building, where one of the secretaries works. It may be impossible to move that secretary from the Executive Office Building to the White House because staff changes require Congressional oversight due to recent legislation passed by the majority Free-American Party lame-duck Congress and signed by the outgoing President.

The March of Progress: August 2004

Posted on by
Reply

Thomas Alva Edison and the New Electro-Ethereal Power

Edison

Great advances come to the Paris of the Pine Trees which promise to invigorate our bustling municipality. A few years ago the process of refitting and upwardly mobilating the gradient of lighting and power systems was begun by fellow members of the Pluto-Theosophy party. These have come to a fortuitous and American conclusionwith the ignition of our very own direct current power station, provided with the good graces of famed constructomaton Thomas Alva Edison.

It has been bandied about, with no lack of help from the craven Oligo-Unitarian Party, that alternating current, not direct current, is the proper and patriotic current. Such specious remarks are patently false, unabrigedly non-sacrosanctand perhaps incorrect. While alternating current, like the party which supports it, changes direction many hundreds of times a second, direct current efficiently and continuously (except during recharging) flows in one direction, directly into your own home!

One wouldn’t be desirous of a type of current which scores of times plied the ether in a direction not that of one’s fine Bethany’s lamps, would one? Whereas alternating current, like the Oligo-Unitarian party, requires miles and miles of wiring and urban sprawl to function, direct current satisfies one’s power needs with a fraction of the wiring and no such ungainly sprawl. Alternating current is the power of filthy immigrants. One can only imagine such generating stations powering and protecting growing Katharinetowne for true-born West Dakotans in the years to come!

A complicated system comprised of scary items; dynamos, mutable amalgams endowed by their decidedly European creator Tesla with the moniker “transformer,” the enigmatic a.c. motor; is clearly not the system for greater Katharinetowne! Clearly a system involving a simple battery is better. Batteries recall patriotic visions of our forefathers battling the scourging British and lobbing liberty shells from their batteries. Such is the American-accepted, American-invented system supported by the Pluto-Theosophy party; a system made by an American. Direct current is the American current.

Jeremy Rosen

Jeremy-Joseph Rosen is the greater Katharinetowne City Council member for Ward 14 and Chairman of the Council Sub-Committee on Modern Powering Systems. In 1997, he won several prizes in the Grand Nationals of Underwater Floral Arrangement.