News of the World: July 2005

Eight Persons Consumed
in Deadly Tractor Fire!

victims

Helmutsboro, WD– In what has become a startling trend across this great land, eight more lives were claimed Tuesday night by the Herkison “Semiglide Model V” Tractor-Mulcher. Although Imbecile Party Presidential Candidate and Self-Proclaimed “Product Safety Guru” Ralph Nader described the Semiglide Model V as “A fully dangerous piece of farming equipment which is unsafe at an measurable velocity,” the tractor remains popular amongst farmers due to its many spacious cup holders and its bucket seats, which can sit up to ten average sized adults.

Montsylvania College of Technology Design Arts Physics Professor Dr. Stephen Hocking claimed that Mr. Nader’s comments are unfounded as there is no way to measure both the velocity and position of the tractor simultaneously. “In fact,” added Hocking “the very act of measuring the tractor changes the very nature of the tractor, so there is no way to accurately measure it. Therefore, how does one ever determine a safe ‘measurable velocity’ of the Semiglide, or of any tractor or riding mulcher for that matter?”

Though Hocking’s defense of the tractor is scientifically accurate, this is of little consolation to the families of the Semiglide’s latest victims, the eight souls claimed Tuesday night when a Semiglide Model V belonging to Helmutsboro agriculturalist Tommy Thalmudge spontaneously burst into flames. Even though the victims attempted to escape, witnesses described that they died horrible, agonizing deaths in the flaming tractorous hell pit. The tendency of the Semiglide Model V to burst into flames without warning is attributed to the location of the main hydrogen bladder, which is directly adjacent to the tractor’s spark plug ignition mechanism. When the tractor’s engine is engaged, it is possible for rouge sparks from the ignition to contact the hydrogen bladder and cause spontaneous combustion, resulting in a massive fire which immediately consumes the tractor and all its unfortunate occupants.

In our exclusive interview, Mr. Nader questioned the very reasoning behind putting a hydrogen bladder on a tractor at all. “Why” he asks “Did the designers put a hydrogen bladder on a tractor? There is no reason to have it there at all, it doesn’t facilitate farming or tilling at all, in fact, the cumbersome bladder seems to get in the way of tilling actually. And, since hydrogen is highly flammable, it seems strange that the designers would include an unnecessary hazard that actually limited the capabilities of the machine. This is evidence of a very poor design.”

A spokesman for the Herkson Traction Company stated that while the company felt the pain of the victims’ families, the operating guide distributed with every tractor clearly states that there is a danger of combustion if the tractor is ever used for any reason. “These deaths are unfortunate” stated Herkson spokesman Tad Mailing “but to hold the company legally responsible for these deaths is absurd. The customers knew what they were doing, the danger is clearly stated in the owner’s manual, furthermore, not adhering to the manual not only voids the warranty, but also prohibits any legal action against the company.”

No matter who happens to be correct, it is a very sad day for Helmutsboro, and for all farmers and tractor fanciers everywhere.

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