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Writing from our regular staff writers.

Once Upon a Time…

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fairy tale

Once upon a time in the far away kingdom of Vandin, there were a very old king and queen who spent the days all alone in their huge castle. For many years, they had been trying to have children but had been unsuccessful. What truly frightened old King Fim and old Queen Mavis was not that they were all alone, but rather the thought that if they never had an heir, the kingdom would fall under the control of Savius, the evil king of the neighboring land; a wicked man whose penchant for tyranny would be sure to bring death, famine and war to little land of Vandin.

At last Queen Mavis decided to call on a local witch for help. She sent one of her servants to bring the witch to the castle, but when the servant returned later that night he did not have the witch. Instead he had a little pouch full of cherries.

“What is this?!” the Queen cried in dismay. “I asked you to bring me the witch and all you have brought me is cherries! Now I shall never conceive a child!”

“No, my Queen, you don’t understand!” said the servant. “The witch told me that if you eat the cherries in two months time you will conceive a child…a girl child to be exact.”

Though Queen Mavis had her doubts, she ate the cherries and, like a miracle, in two months time the queen became pregnant and nine months later she gave birth to a perfectly healthy little princess, who they named Arielle. By the time she was eighteen years of age she was intelligent, polite, talented in music and art, extremely well spoken, and kind. But there was one problem; unlike other little princesses you read about in fairy tales, she was not the least bit beautiful. Instead of blonde tresses, she looked as if someone had thrown a mop on her head. Plus, one of her eyes was blue and the other brown and her nose was crooked.

“How will we ever find her a husband?! No one will want a princess that looks like that! My kingdom is lost!” cried poor King Fim.

Hating to see her husband so unhappy, the Queen decided to once again call upon the witch for help. No sooner had she made up her mind than a messenger arrived with a letter from the witch. The note said simply: “

You’re ugly girl will be made a beauty
But for this she must pay a duty
For the kings and princes from many a land
Will come before her, to seek her hand
But not one who gives her a glance
Shall ever find, in the real her, romance
Her beauty will trap them, yes this I can swear
But her joy, her thoughts or tears, they will never bear
If ever they look into her face
Then in their hearts, she’ll n’ere find a place.

After reading the strange note Queen Mavis went alone to her chambers to ponder the situation. It had been made clear in the witch’s note; her daughter could be beautiful, could find a husband, and could save the land of Vandin from the evil machinations of King Savius, however the price would be high; the young princess Arielle would, despite her beauty, never find true love. For if any man were to look upon her beauty, he would be smitten, but never truly love her. As Queen Mavis sat pondering, her husband burst into the chamber and exclaimed “Evil King Savius has ordered his soldiers to march, there will be war unless our daughter Arielle is wed! Whatever shall we do?”

So the Queen and King sent word to witch and that night a messenger returned, this time with a small sack of strawberries. That very night, Princess Arielle ate them and when she awoke in the morning she was at least three times prettier than the land’s previous holder of the most fair title. After her morning tea, she went for a stroll in the courtyard where she came upon Sir Bastion, the most handsome and bravest of all the king’s knights. When he looked upon her, his heart skipped a beat, so he swooped her up into his arms and said “My fair princess, I am awed by your beauty, for your face makes even a field of daisies in the morning sun look as grotesque as putrid ox carcasses.”

“Why, thank you, Sir Bastion” the Princess replied “Shall we go into the field and walk through the daisies? It would make me so happy.”

“Who cares what makes you happy?” he said as he kissed her on the cheek “Let us not wander through foliage, let us instead get married tonight and live happily ever after.”

But Arielle shook her head and ran away, tears streaming down her face. So incensed was she by the knight’s callus remarks, that she didn’t noticed when she ran right past the castle gate and out into the village. In fact, she was crying so hard that she didn’t even notice when she ran right into Count Bernu, the richest merchant in the land. When he saw her, his eyes opened wide and a smile came across his face.

“Princess Arielle, I do declare that you are the most beautiful girl in the land.”

“Thank you” she sobbed “But that mean Sir Bastion has hurt my feelings.”

“Who cares about your feelings, my dear?” he said with gusto “Let us go get married tonight and live happily ever after.”

Instead of making Arielle fall in love, Count Bernu’s proposal only made her weep harder. Turning around, she ran away from him, so fast that she missed her footing and fell in a big pile of mud. Picking herself up, she looked down at her beautiful gown and only felt more dejected.

Just then, a young man with a wrap around his eyes came up to her. His outstretched hand held a cloth and his face held a kind smile.

“I heard you crying and I heard a big splat. You must have fallen in the mud and ruined your clothes. Here, take my cloth and clean yourself off.” said the stranger.
“Oh, thank you, sir” she said as she tried to clean herself off “But why do you have that bandage over your eyes?”

“Long ago, an evil witch put a curse on me which made me blind. So, I was forced to leave my home and travel as a beggar.”

“And yet you stopped to help me? Why? You do not know who I am?”

“No, I do not know who you are, but I could hear your crying and knew that you were saddened, and I could not bear it to let you be sad.”

“Why thank you, but I do not even know your name, kind beggar. But you shall know mine, I am Princess Arielle, and that castle is my home. Tonight you shall come and dine with my family, as a show of thanks.”

And so that night, there was a lavish feast with all manner of food. Expecting their daughter to soon be engaged to the various knights and merchants who had proposed, King Fim and Queen Mavis had invited many guests, including the mysterious witch. In fact, they had even invited evil King Savius who they thought could witness for himself the Princess’s engagement and the victory for the land of Vandin.

Seated next to the Princess was the blind beggar she had met, though many other men were trying to get her attention. After the main course was over, King Fim stood up and held aloft his glass, proclaiming “Now, all in attendance will witness the engagement of my daughter Princess Arielle, heir to the Kingdom of Vadim, to the man she chooses.”

“She will choose me” stated Sir Bastion “for I am the bravest knight in the kingdom.”

“No, she will choose me” stated Count Bernu “For I am the richest merchant in the kingdom.”

Rising, the princess smiled “No, I will choose the only man who has ever been kind to me, who ever cared about my feelings and ever loved me for who I am.” And with a flourish, she turned to the blind beggar, who stood up. Pulling the bandaged off his eyes, she took his hands.

“Oh no!” cried the evil King Savius “It is Prince Agald. the son of my older brother, the rightful heir to my kingdom, the one who I had the witch curse with blindness and who I exiled into a live of poverty!”

Then Princess Arielle and Prince Agald kissed and in an instant the witch’s spell was broken. Not only did his sight return, but Princess Arielle became even more beautiful. King Fim ordered the guards to take the evil Savius and his witch to the dungeon and that night Arielle and Agald were wed, joining the two kingdoms into a peaceful union forever.

And Princess Arielle and Prince Agald lived happily ever after. The End.

Based on an original idea by the Rev. Arielle Phillips.

Ten Great Tips for Stalking Azura Skye

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azura skye

  • Wear comfortable shoes. Often overlooked, but important, comfortable footwear will help you a great deal, because stalking Azura Skye will keep you on your feet for long hours. Why not try sneakers with some gel insoles. We hear she really likes gel insoles.
  • Eat well. Following Azura Skye around is almost a full time job. Often you don’t have the time to grab a real meal so you’ll end up stopping at a fast food place for something to keep you going. That means you keep eating greasy junk food. Why not take some bags of sliced celery or baby carrots with you to munch on? That way you can grab a bite of something good for you and keep an eye on Azura Skye the whole time.
  • Get a good breakfast. Remember, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, don’t neglect it because you’re in a rush to get out of the house to start stalking. A car won’t run without gasoline and you won’t stalk well without breakfast.
  • Warm up before hand. How many times have you been chased by studio security guards only to develop shin splits after a hundred yards or so? Be sure to stretch those calves and leg muscles. Do a few warm up exercises before you try and sneak into Azura Skye’s window.
  • Dress in layers. Since stalking Azura Skye involves spending a lot of time outside, be sure to wear a few layers so you can adapt to temperature changes. It can get chilly, even in Los Angeles, so take your jacket.
  • Carry an umbrella. You never know when it might rain, so why not be prepared? It’s no fun stalking Azura Skye when you’re soaking wet and shivering.
  • Plan your route before hand. No one likes endless driving or sneaking around. Before you leave in the morning, plan the day. Will it be spent hanging out in the bushes by her house, or trying to sneak into the studio where she works? Planning ahead will save you aggravation and gas money.
  • Go the extra mile. Why send your love letters on plain old copy paper when you can get fancy resume paper for as little as 10 cents a sheet at most stationary stores? That extra little effort may pay off in the end.
  • Take a flashlight. How many times have you been in the dark shrubbery near Azura Skye’s home and gotten lost because of the lack of light. Take a flashlight and you’ll find your way every time. Be sure to take extra batteries, just in case.
  • Have fun. In this hectic world, it’s easy to get caught up in things. Remember, stalking Azura Skye is supposed to be fun, so don’t take it so seriously. Have a good time with it and enjoy yourself.

Historigon: Vespril 2007

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The Historigon

2005 AD- Punxsutawney Phil rolls out the omni-directional lighting system he has been working on in his off-months for the last decade.

1997 AD- Sondra Macgillicuddy thinks it would be an original idea to include an Emily Dickens quote at the beginning of her 12th Grade English essay. Poor Sondra.

1932 AD- Herbert Hoover officially becomes the most sore loser of Presidential elections in U.S. history when he sends FDR a card reading “Congratulations on Your Polio.”

1918 AD- Molly Pryer feels a sniffle coming on and wonders if it might be the flu.

1823 AD- Jefferson Davis also splits a rail, but the action fails to be noted by posterity.

1788 AD- At the insistence of Jacob Broom, the Constitutional convention votes down the idea of amending the historic document with the inclusion of over one hundred woodcuts of interesting song birds.

1745 AD- Carl “Greenbeard” Jones decides to be different and so marks his treasure map with a Y.

1639 AD- Swedish King Gustavus Adolphus revolutionizes warfare when he conceives of the brilliant idea of actually issuing ammunition to his troops. Catholic princes dismiss the idea as foolhardy, wasteful and expensive.

1605 AD- Traveling gunpowder salesman Guido Fawkes, tired of pushing his heavy goods-laden cart through the cold, decides to rest for a while in a nice, warm cellar.

1224 AD- Ghengis Khan, assured that he will love hot peppers, discovers the next day that he does not, in fact, love hot peppers nor the camp cook who suggested he would.

1100 AD- The reverse cowgirl sexual position is invented in southern China.

917 AD- Klingtan of a band of Indians on the Mississippi River invents the coupon by offering a two corn discount for anyone who brings a red leaf with them to market.

233 AD- Yu Fan of the Kingdom of Wu dies in an unfortunate reading incident.

2 AD- Yet another year goes by without the use of cellular telephones.

183 BC- Penguins reach South Africa on a dare.

204 BC- Using an elaborate system of pulleys and counter-weights, Sosibius allows the late Ptolemy IV to attend an official state dinner and orgy.

453 BC- In Athens Pericles institutes the world’s first speed limit.

664 BC- Jimmu decides to invent popcorn before founding Japan 4 years later.

888 BC- Weighted down by his lack of stock, Barundo the Clothier uses the one hat he has left to devise “one size fits all.”

986 BC- Uriah the Hittite wonders why he’s being ordered to the front of the column, but hopes that Bathsheba will like the cloth he looted for her.

1194 BC- Captain Axandos decides that Helen isn’t really that pretty, so he takes the armada’s 1001st ship in search of purple dye instead.

1232 BC- Luktep the Egyptian makes the observation that female genitalia resemble house cats. While all of his friends think he’s obviously wrong, the comparison endures for another 3300 years.

3301 BC- Rap group Leaders of the New School spit out rhymes at such a furious rate that they propel themselves into the distant past for a brief interval. Member Busta Rhymes accidentally shoots Otzi the Iceman with an arrow, mistaking him for a buck.

7000 BC- Fluntiglartiponactitune the Wanderer discovers apples on the far Eastern frontier of modern Kazakhstan. He remains unimpressed until his wife invents apple pie.

9096 BC- Threatened by a cosmic energy overload, Grand Master Soron attempts to reverse the polarity of the psychic crystal matrix. He fails and Atlantis sinks beneath the waves.

407,223 BC- Nunto creates the world’s first calendrical system when he begins making marks on a bone for each day his neighbor Gurt fails to clean up the rotten mammoth carcass near the hill.

407,224 BC- Gurt, neighbor of Nunto, dies in an obsidian flaking accident.

The March of Progress: Vespril 2007

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aa prize

Bestoria, Montsylvania – Axes & Alleys today announced the Axes & Alleys Science & Technology $50 Prize. Winners of the A&A S&P in each of four categories will receive a $50 prize, while runners-up will get an Axes & Alleys t-styled shirt. The prize was created by managing editors Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen in an effort to solve the important issues facing them in their daily lives.

Said Mr. Birdseye, “Sometimes you wake up and you can’t face the day because so many minor inconveniences exist. Usually I’ll call in depressed to the office.”

“I saw all of these prizes for useless bull hockey: rockets, math problems, vaccines. There’s even the Grainger Challenge to engineer an economical water treatment system,” said Mr. Rosen. “I challenge you to make me something useful, like a non-dribble spoon.”

The Axes & Alleys editors are offering the $50 prize for each of four inventions desperately needed in their daily lives.

Flopless Flip Flops
Mr. Rosen enjoys the comfort and convenience of flip flops, but is often embarrassed by the flopping flatulent sounds the footwear makes as he walks. To win the $50 prize, the design must look like traditional flip flops, but be completely silent. A bonus $20 will be thrown in for designs using some kind of sound-wave generating electrical device to interfere with the flopping sound.

Alarm Clock Employing the Smell of Frying Bacon
Mr. Birdseye on the other hand has difficulty waking up on purpose in the morning, even with multiple loud alarm clocks set for various times. However, he responds quite well to various smells, including chocolate ice cream, perfume, and ammonia. As the latter is a bit too harsh, the winner of this $50 prize must create an alarm clock which wakes Scott within 10 seconds using the smell (not sound!) of frying bacon.

Deodorant Application Flaps for T-Shirts
This should be a simple innovation. In fact, Mr. Rosen can think of a design himself, he’s just too lazy to produce it and would rather pay you a $50 prize. The winning design will allow the easy application of anti-perspirant, deodorant, or some combination of the two through easy-open panels under the sleeves.

Idiot Repellent
Often surrounded by idiots, Mr. Birdseye is in major need of relief from having to tell them to “bugger off.” He’d rather have a non-verbal way to fend off idiotic conversation about horoscopes, the latest environmental scare, and what to do when Billy says he likes you. Winning repellent schemes may employ sonics, odours, or bright lights, but must not interfere with the normal operations of Mr. Birdseye.

Prospective winners must submit a working prototype of their design to Messrs. Birdseye and Rosen, who will be the sole judges of the Axes & Alleys Science & Technology $50 Prize. Prototypes must be submitted before December 31st, 2008 with the prizes to be awarded at a special ceremony in Bermuda* in March, 2009.

For more information, please contact Mr. Birdseye or Mr. Rosen using the contact information at www.axesandalleys.com.

*location and definition of ceremony subject to change