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News of the World: Vespril 2007
Science Flats, Dalmatia– Clinicians, Pseudo-Scientists and Reporters from across the globe have voted to reconvene the International Congress for Panic. After issuing a report warning of the combined dangers of solar flares, nuclear autumn and asteroid bombardment, the delegates gathered in the Besterade Grande Hall here today to release information on the newest Potentially Deadly Health Scare of the Week. In what is perhaps the most prevalent and worrisome threat to the health of humanity this week, ICP Scientician-General Dr. Larry Toynbee predicted that “by week’s end, every man, woman, and child would be more aware of the latest, dangerous and potentially disfiguring development.”
After a 34-9 vote (with two abstaining), delegates decided that this week’s Potentially Deadly Health Scare of the Week would avoid the common tropes of food recalls and poison-laced toys for a more mundane vector for the delivery of an increasingly debilitative disease.
“Look,” Dr. Toynbee says, “a single non-blind study we performed over the last month in three cancer patients shows that consuming food with metal, plastic or wood utensils increases the risk of developing cancer in every organ except the thyroid gland.” Researchers from the ICP now recommend that those at risk (mainly the non-comatose) begin an intensive program of eating only with sterilized ceramic sporks.
Dr. James Billabong, a researcher on the study, said that people should be certain to discard their sterilized ceramic spork after each bite, using only a newly unwrapped sterilized ceramic spork for each subsequent bite, so as to neutralize the potential spread of airborne bacteria. Experts recommend that the public worry incessantly about germs, toxins or chemicals that may be present on their utensils. “This is a serious potentially deadly thing which should scare everyone this week”
The study, the first of its kind, also showed increased risk of developing multiple forms of amyloidosis including Creutzfeld-Jakob Disease, Kuru, and Fatal Familial Insomnia. The last, once thought merely inheritable, has now been proven conclusively by this study to be acquired by breathing in non-sterilized air. “Air is full of chemicals,” stated Dr. Belinda Torres, “chemicals like nitrogen and oxygen, which are actually used in rocket fuel. But that’s a problem you can worry about next week.”
Lazy members of the so-called mainstream media and the equally so-called blogosphere are already helping to get the word out as fast as possible. In fact, one social news site even posted a link to a mainstream media report gathered from the AP service wired in by a local Dalmatian stringer hired by a drunk Southeastern European bureau chief. Soon everyone will be aware of the threat.
Letters: Vespril 2007
Dear A&A,
Were you aware that page 12 of every Axes & Alleys issue between 2005 and 2007 is 0.0025% thinner than the other pages? I think this is on purpose. Maybe a disgruntled janitor in your printing facilities is twisting the page thickness dial at the plant. Maybe it’s a coded government message. I’ll put on my Sam Houston, Private Eye exclusive fan club trench coat and get to the bottom of this for you. Don’t you worry.
Nouri Al-Maliki
Baghdad, Iraq
To the Editors,
A few days ago I injured myself using your Sticker Page. Please place a warning sticker on it in the future.
Roy Comport
Hollyrood, CA
Dear Customer Service,
I just got my A&A nipple covers in the mail, but the As are backwards. Please send replacements with rightways As on them as soon as possible. I have an important business dinner next week.
Lem Stanczwyk
Free City of Danzig
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Your magazine is obviously intended for right-handed people only. Why, just look at it; all the page ends are on the right side. Oh wait, though, you say, the words go from left to right. Well great, but you forgot one thing: I’m not left-eyeballed, I’m left-handed. Please publish a leftie-friendly version of the magazine or I’ll be forced to surrender Fort Necessity. It’s no skin off my teeth if you don’t believe me.
G. Washington
Trenton, NJ
Sirs,
I recall rumours of there being a secret hidden issue. This was maybe a couple of years back. Well, I went out to find it right after I read about it and I’ve only just gotten back from my voyage.
I’ve been to Xizang Autonomous Province, India, New York, Israel…all over. After two years in the field I can tell you the secret issue is not out there.
Steven Spielberg
Irvine, CA
Dear Reader,
If you’ve gotten this far, we would like to remind you that you, too, can send letters for inclusion in Axes & Alleys magazine. It’s easy to do. We have a handy email address, comment forms on our web site and much more in the way of daguerreotype and telegraph technology.
The Editors
Astoria, NY
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I’m very upset that your pneumatic delivery system, to which readers can subscribe for an additional $300 per quarter, does not live up to its advertised capabilities. My last issue arrived mangled and missing several pages, while there were also pages from other magazines mixed in. Very offensive magazines. For instance, there were two pages from YOLK love. Yuck! Please fix this immediately.
Tommy Nemec
Newfoundland & Labrador, Canada
A&A,
I enjoy boxes.
Jim Tewerson
Beckinsale, FL
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Last time I ordered food, the local Chinese take-out place screwed up my order. When I complained, they were rude about it. But, I will give them one more chance. Usually, I would just never go there again, but when I watch Babylon 5 and see G’Kar’s spiritual journey, I realize that people, aliens and yes, even Chinese restaurants can change. It’s just one more thing I’ve learned from snake people on cult 1990s Sci-Fi TV shows.
Dakota Bester
Bellingham, ND
It’s the Sky
Rupert Murdoch on Parade
