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Ask Montezuma: Vespril 2007
It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan
Montezuma once spackled an entire wall
using only toothpaste. His favorite atomic
element is Neon but he also loves learning
about voles and foxes.
Dear Montezuma,
Is it possible for a ray of light to go into orbit around a black hole?
Stan Foley
Boron Park, FL
Stan Foley of Boron Park, Florida. Stan Foley…Stan Foley. Where have I heard that name? Ah, yes, in the letter I just received from you, of course. It was actually on the outside, too, written in the correct spot for the return address. Excellent work in that regard Stan Foley, excellent work. Keep it up.
Montezuma,
It’s difficult for me to take cookies with me wherever I go so I can have them whenever I want them. I’m an important person on the go, you know? Is there some way I could take this cumbersome food along with me on trips, while jogging, or perhaps even on the train?
Peter Oregon
Cape Town, South Africa
Mr. Oregon, I wonder how much of a person on the go you truly are. In my plush leather chair here in my study I sit pondering if perhaps it’s only your arms that are this “on the go.” Perhaps they move on ahead of you just a little too quickly, floating there in the grocery store aisle waving ineffectively at the cookies while they wait for the rest of your body to catch up. Or, even better, what if it is your nose that speeds on ahead of your face, saving up the smells along the way for you to savour when you finally reach it. Your life must be incredibly interesting my friend.
Dear Montezuma,
I just entered the modern era with the purchase of a cellular telephone after years of deriding the devices as vainglorious and superfluous. The tipping point was when I realized all the women I was trying to meet had cellular telephones and expected me to as well. On top of that it would come in handy from time to time when trying to plan dinner with the person who shares my flat. He has known me for years and consequently made fun of me. Should I have murdered him in his sleep through the clever use of fire-escape-trained green anoles, or should I continue to poison him slowly with my arsenic-laden s’mores?
Steve Crowsfeet
Ozone Park, NY
Technology, Steve, has forever been central to the attainment of one’s reproductive and pleasurable goals. For instance, Dubner Mulcahy created the avocado slicing catapult system merely to impress the future Mrs. Mulcahy, whose bosoms were ample and seductive. Fire, it is presumed, was originally brought into the cave rather than left outside in order for male humans to become titillated by the sight of their fellow cavewomen. This may have prompted the arms race of masquerade and obfuscation that is the subtle and not-so-subtle plays of appearance the female of the species has engaged in for millennia.
Hey Monty,
My girlfriend and I recently broke up after several years of dating. In fact, I arrived home just the other day to find a box of my stuff waiting for me at my apartment with a bit of an unfriendly note contained within letting me know she would not be speaking to or seeing me. After contemplating whether or not to respond, I did so by email, though I did know there was no way by this point to disabuse her of some strange notions. In fact, I received an electronic mails reply back with some more strange notions and one which was even silly. Again the missive closed with the notice that she did not want to see or talk to me. Now, the crux of the matter is that she frequents the Irish pub at which I prefer to engage in the game of darts and have done so for the better part of the last decade. Obviously the injunction against seeing her (which I must respect) precludes me from going to said pub because I might see her. What should I do?
Joshua Marigolden
Hollis, NY
Joshua, she doesn’t own the pub. Go, make merry, and should you run into her, pretend to be a visiting Canadian of the same name and personality.
Montezuma,
Why does it seem that only retarded, college-age boys who don’t know how to shave are into banjo music? The same goes for that mandolin. Seems like just a bunch of overwrought hogwash to me.
Simon Pepperidge
Burlington, Province #1
Because that is who is into such music Simon, that’s who’s into such music.
Opening cans of tuna fish (in water or oil) is one of the most dangerous and difficult operations in the home. Lost limbs are the hallmark of the seasoned and foolhardy tuna fish can openers. When opening the can, make sure to place it firmly on a surface such as a counter or table. Never try to open a can of tuna fish with the bottom placed against a wall or person! Next, you’ll want to make sure you have a can opener handy. The rotary can opener has been the standard for nearly a century. If you are left-handed, do not use a right-handed can opener. You risk death or worse! Once in hand, place the wheels of the can opener around the rim of the can and bring the handles together. Make sure your fingers are not in between the handles. Hold the can firmly with one hand while twisting the knob with the other. Do not stop until you have completely cut around the metal top of the can. Remove the opener, remove the lid, and enjoy tasty tuna fish.
Reject All American
When you examine the facts completely, it is quite easy to see that indie rocker and Riot Grrl founder Kathleen Hanna hates America and supports terrorism. Why, these findings should be obvious to anyone who has done any research into Hanna’s personal life, beliefs, actions and statements. Time after time, the fierce and aggressive Hanna passionately calls for violence, murder and bloody revolution. Truly she is a terrifying menace.
Note the name of Hanna’s first band. It’s not Bikini Negotiate, it’s Bikini Kill, because she believes that killing through violence is the only means to achieve her goals. Of course, she has also acted as a guest for the band Atari Teenage Riot, while strangely never appearing on a single recording of rival band Atari Teenage Peaceful Gathering. Her writing even appeared in the Xerographic magazine Revolution Girl Style Now, the title of which suggests that Hanna supports the immediate overthrow of the lawfully elected United States Government, via a girl themed revolution.
Even Hanna’s musical lyrics show her violent and terroristic hatred of America. Of the terror attacks she states in Lil Red “You are not the victim, but you try to make it that way…All you do is destroy / All you do is f*ck up / All you ever do is take take” thus blaming the attacks not on the terrorists, but on America’s capitalism and foreign policy decisions. In Double Dare Ya, Hanna brazenly commands her elite Riot Grrl legions to take to the streets, perhaps in a riot, by stating “We want revolution…You’ve got no reason not to fight.”
Later on This is Not a Test she continues to threaten American society and lawful government with violence “You don’t make all the rules, yeah! / I know what I’m gonna fuckin do/ Me and my girlfriends gonna push on thru / We are gonna stomp on you, yeah!” It should be noted that many Riot Grrls wear large boots and could cause internal trauma or death via their stomping.
And let us not forget her most obvious anti-American manifesto, the aptly titled album Reject All American. In this most horrid attack, Hanna demands “loads of execution” and “more fear.” Fear, is of course, another word for terror. And yes, Hanna does demand that her brainwashed followers reject “All American,” likely including American made manufactured goods and sacred American institutions such as Democracy, Freedom and the Post Office.
While no Le Tigre lyrics specifically mention hatred of America, it’s probable that the name Le Tigre is a reference to General Yamashita Tomoyuki, the so-called “Tiger of Malaya” who committed numerous war crimes against Americans, including the infamous Bataan Death March. Only someone who vehemently hated America would want to honor this butcher and murderer by naming their band after him.
Why Kathleen Hanna has not been imprisoned and put on trial for treason is a mystery. All good Americans should call for Hanna and her Riot Grrl legions to be arrested immediately and their poorly Xeroxed zines and Emily the Strange paraphernalia confiscated as evidence.
Dothan
A Simple Guide to Living in a Haunted House
Whether your home was the site of a series of grisly murders by an underrated symphony conductor in the 1940s, or was built on a gallows where an innocent man was hanged, chances are you’ll have to deal with a house chock-full of restless spirits. No one likes waking up to the sounds of woeful moans and footsteps. And spirit writing just wrecks your freshly painted walls. So, here are some hints to living in peace with that ghost or getting them the hell out of your abode.
- Many spirits are simply confused by the trauma of passing on and do not realize that they are dead. Leave the obits out conspicuously on the coffee table with a few funeral home brochures and headstone catalogues. Chances are they might just get the hint.
- To encourage a ghost to leave your home and move on, you should remind them that you legally occupy the house and that they are a guest. When writing out your rent check, loudly lament that the rent is so high and that you wish that everyone in the house would pay their fair share.
- If a poltergeist starts flinging objects around or breaking glasses, an-eye-for-an-eye is a good thing to remember. Go to the person’s grave and smash the headstone with a big hammer. See how they like them apples.
- Try just ignoring the ghost. If that doesn’t work, annoy them by talking loudly and often about how awesome it is to be alive. Say things like “Gee, sure glad I’m alive and not dead so I can enjoy all of this delicious ice cream.”
- If you find yourself dealing with a particularly persistent ghost, you may need to call in an expert to help exorcize the house. Or you can just do it yourself, because with a simple prayer you can turn the toilet into a fountain full of holy water.
- When performing your own exorcism, remember that not all dead people are Christian. Have nearby handy copies of the Talmud, the Koran, the Bahavagita, Dianetics, the Communist Manifesto and the Zoroastrianistrokan.
- Should you actually see an apparition, offer it a cup of tea. No need to be rude, after all.
- Spirits often attempt to communicate through spirit writing or through EVP. Just ignore them. They never have anything useful to say.
- Sometimes a spirit is traumatized by its death and needs closure before moving on. Remind the ghost that you’re not its damn therapist and that you have better things to do than to help it deal with its magazine rack full of issues.
- If, through research in musty volumes at the library, you discover that your house was built on top of an old Indian burial ground, go down to the basement, dig up the bones and move them somewhere else, because we conquered it, it’s our country now and we don’t need stupid, defeated natives’ spirits bugging us all the time.
- Turn the tables on the ghost and walk through it repeatedly. Do this especially if the ghost is trying to communicate with you. They find it unbearably annoying.
- Only rarely do ghosts appear in photographic or video images. Use this to your advantage by turning your home into a discount portrait studio.
- A little-know fact about visitors from the netherworld is that more than anything they hate artificial watermelon scent. Modern air-freshening technology can help you immeasurably.
- Knick-knacks while generally an eyesore are also a no-no. Poltergeists can fling such objects all over the place at the least causing a nuisance, at most mild pain and property damage.
- If the haunted house you’re living in happens to be part of a theme park or annual holiday celebration, this is not the article you’re looking for. Please see our Tiberium 1966 issue.
- Ghosts can be attached to certain objects. If yours is one such as this, do not dispose of the object in the curbside trash pick up as the disposal of paranormal refuse has been strictly regulated by the EPA since 1984. Use the recycling bin.
- Sometimes your standard apparitions are semi-permeable. Spraying them with a mister produces lovely visual effects including rainbows and hilarious distortions of the people or objects directly behind the spirit.
- If it’s a tree on your property which happens to be the source of the haunting, why not employ the use of a chainsaw?
- If you’re willing to strike up a relationship with the deceased, they can really help when cheating at cards.
- Ghosts are supposedly kept at bay with iron, but a better repellant is pure disbelief.