The March of Progress: Vespril 2007

aa prize

Bestoria, Montsylvania – Axes & Alleys today announced the Axes & Alleys Science & Technology $50 Prize. Winners of the A&A S&P in each of four categories will receive a $50 prize, while runners-up will get an Axes & Alleys t-styled shirt. The prize was created by managing editors Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen in an effort to solve the important issues facing them in their daily lives.

Said Mr. Birdseye, “Sometimes you wake up and you can’t face the day because so many minor inconveniences exist. Usually I’ll call in depressed to the office.”

“I saw all of these prizes for useless bull hockey: rockets, math problems, vaccines. There’s even the Grainger Challenge to engineer an economical water treatment system,” said Mr. Rosen. “I challenge you to make me something useful, like a non-dribble spoon.”

The Axes & Alleys editors are offering the $50 prize for each of four inventions desperately needed in their daily lives.

Flopless Flip Flops
Mr. Rosen enjoys the comfort and convenience of flip flops, but is often embarrassed by the flopping flatulent sounds the footwear makes as he walks. To win the $50 prize, the design must look like traditional flip flops, but be completely silent. A bonus $20 will be thrown in for designs using some kind of sound-wave generating electrical device to interfere with the flopping sound.

Alarm Clock Employing the Smell of Frying Bacon
Mr. Birdseye on the other hand has difficulty waking up on purpose in the morning, even with multiple loud alarm clocks set for various times. However, he responds quite well to various smells, including chocolate ice cream, perfume, and ammonia. As the latter is a bit too harsh, the winner of this $50 prize must create an alarm clock which wakes Scott within 10 seconds using the smell (not sound!) of frying bacon.

Deodorant Application Flaps for T-Shirts
This should be a simple innovation. In fact, Mr. Rosen can think of a design himself, he’s just too lazy to produce it and would rather pay you a $50 prize. The winning design will allow the easy application of anti-perspirant, deodorant, or some combination of the two through easy-open panels under the sleeves.

Idiot Repellent
Often surrounded by idiots, Mr. Birdseye is in major need of relief from having to tell them to “bugger off.” He’d rather have a non-verbal way to fend off idiotic conversation about horoscopes, the latest environmental scare, and what to do when Billy says he likes you. Winning repellent schemes may employ sonics, odours, or bright lights, but must not interfere with the normal operations of Mr. Birdseye.

Prospective winners must submit a working prototype of their design to Messrs. Birdseye and Rosen, who will be the sole judges of the Axes & Alleys Science & Technology $50 Prize. Prototypes must be submitted before December 31st, 2008 with the prizes to be awarded at a special ceremony in Bermuda* in March, 2009.

For more information, please contact Mr. Birdseye or Mr. Rosen using the contact information at

*location and definition of ceremony subject to change

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