Category Archives: Jeremy Rosen

Special Advertising Section

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SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION
brought to you by the good people at

Daniel Bester, Inc.

Here at Daniel Bester, Inc. we strive to provide you, the consumer, with the highest quality of product available anywhere in the world. And that’s not just good advertising copy. That’s the truth. From our space-age WINDGO™ to our down-home age-old SPARLOGRAM 6000™ we give you the best for your money.

Seriously.

It’s not like we would lie.

Daniel Bester, Inc. Product List 2002 For Government Contracts
1. Tungsten Core Illumisphere $25.00
2. Personal Handheld Ergonomic Tungsten Core Illumisphere Exciter $53.45
3. Chemically Charged Power Storage Pods for Use with Personal Handheld Ergonomic Tungsten Core Illumisphere Exciter $19.95
4. Polymer Based Cephalo-Protection/Aesthetic-Augmentation System $67.45
with added Propulsion-Styled Ornament $88.45
5. All-Natural Wood Fiber Constructed Oral Foreign Substance Locator/Extractor $12.00
6. Pulp Based External Memory System $89.99
7. External Memory System Input Controller with Attached Polymer Based Deletion and Correction Enabler $24.00
8. Super Cooled Liquid Based Personal Fluid Container and Transport Unit $42.02
with added Ergonomic Stabilization and Control Unit $56.78
9. Cotton Fiber Based Manual Protection Kit $67.95
10. Beveled Photographic Augmenter and Protector with SuperHeated Silica Internal Covering $85.95
11. Ethiopia Originated Granulated Organic Energy Dissemination Fluid $67.00/liter (M.V.)
12. Ceramic Decombustion Chamber and Organic Resin Storage Device $44.89
13. Tumbler-Specific Security Device Deactivation/Reactivation System $56.98
14. Metallic Circuitous Organization and Storage System with Polymer Tab for Multiple Tumbler-Specific Security Device Deactivation/Reactivation Systems $123.90
15. Crude Oil Woven Procreation Disabling Sheathe $65.95
16. Convex Aluminum-Alloy Liquid Sustenance Container-to-Oral-Area Transport Implement and Colloidal Catalyst for Chemical Solutions: for use in Combining Item #11 with Item #20. (Also Available in Polymer Form for Additional $4.50) $54.02
17. Aluminum-Alloy Solid Sustenance Container-to-Oral-Area Transport Implement and Kinetic Separation Stabilization System. For use with Item #18. (Also Available in Polymer Form for Additional $4.50) $54.02
18. Aluminum-Alloy Solid Sustenance Separation System (Also Available in Polymer Form for Additional $4.50) $54.02
19. Space-Age Polymer Based Combination Solid Sustenance Container-to-Oral-Area Transport Implement and Kinetic Separation Stabilization System/Convex Liquid Sustenance Container-to-Oral-Area Transport Implement and Colloidal Catalyst for Chemical Solutions $75.98
20. Refined Glucose (C6H12O6) Flavor Enhancing Substance for Use with Ethiopia Originated Granulated Organic Energy Dissemination Fluid $23.00/oz (M.V.)
21. Outer-Tympanic-Cartilage Mounted Ocular Defense System for Protection Against Visible and Non-Visible Solar and/or Stellar Wave Emissions $1256.90
22. Lipid and Resin Based Personal Odor Prevention Mechanism and Moneran-Protist Elimination Cake-Mass $28.00
23. Upper-Appendage Mounted Quartz Oscillation Measurement Device with Digital Display Interface $206.00
For Classical Styled Analog Display Interface add $129.90
24. Un-mounted Quartz Oscillation Measurement Device with Variable Set Acoustical Output Notation Marker and Alternating and Direct Current External Power Source Connection Node $356.00
25. Spun Cotton Fiber Constructed Outer-Tympanic Bio-Materials Expunger $50.00/20pcs
26. Diaphanous Carbon-Steel Personal Follicle Separator Unit with Ergonomic Polymer Based Frame/Controller $21.34
27. Sterile Re-Condensed Fluid State Hydrodioxide $14.99/liter
28. Hecto-Numeric Probability Determination and Decision Enabling Polymer Cube $10.99
29. Wheel-lock Portable Combustion System with Liquid Fuel Reservoir $25.04
30. 52 Piece Picto-Numeric Polymer Coated Fiber Sheet Multi-Purpose Entertainment System $68.00
ORDER FORM
Item # Quantity Price Shipping Specific-ations
                                 $29.95*           
                                 $29.95*           
                                 $29.95*           
                                 $29.95*           
                                 $29.95*           
Total Items Total Quantity Extra Space TOTAL:           

Name:_______________________________________________
Contract #:____________________________________________
Address:______________________________________________
Address:______________________________________________
Phone:(_____)____________
Email:____________________@____________________________

*Standard First Class Shipping via the United States Postal Service. For overnight service or for Specialized Couriers add an additional $125.00 shipping charge per item. Don’t forget to print out this page and mail the form to Daniel Bester, Inc. 1 Corporate Plaza, Katharinetowne, WD 928513.

Global Extraction Group

Entertainments for Children and the Mentally Infirm

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Part I: A Game Concerning Word Placement
Have a companion, who does have visual access to the following piece, to fill in the missing words. The results shall be of an uproarious nature.

One __________(unit of chronological measurement), I was __________ (gerund) down the street when a _________ (member of a species of genus Heterojapyx) jumped up on my neck and started gnawing into my ____________(artery of the upper spinopulmonary system). _____________(Iroquois expletive), I screamed at a decibel level of __________(number ≥ √-234.124 ), as I ran to the docks and jumped on the _____________(name of submarine of the Russian Akula Class). It was there that I ran into ________________(name of a 15th Century Flemish Noble), who showed me around. He showed me the______________(type of radiocarbon dating equipment), the ______________(type of boat used in the harbor of Cartagena, Colombia), and the______________(branch of the Interstate Commerce Commission). Then we hopped out and went to____________(Name of a Trans-Neptunian Object).

Part II: A Picture of Dave
Here is a picture of Dave. Using hand-held shears, separate this photographical image of Dave from the remainder of the magazine. Then, with an adhesive of some sort, you can place this picture of Dave somewhere within the confines of your domicile. Each day, you may gaze upon your photographical image of Dave while simultaneously providing an aesthetic accoutrement to your abode.

Dave

A Eugenic Plea

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by Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen

Not many people in the public are familiar with Francis Galton, cousin of renowned cabin boy Charles Darwin, but Galton’s groundbreaking psychological work established the basis for later quantitative psychological research. More importantly, however, Galton’s hereditary research, coupled with his cousin’s popular theory of evolution, led Galton to the conclusion that artificial breeding selection could be used to better the human species, an idea which is today known as “Eugenics.”

The concept is simple. By choosing humans with desirable traits and having them reproduce, we increase the number of good genes in the human population, thus making the species better. The more intelligent, creative and capable people, the better the world becomes.

And that’s why we’re here, to make the world a better place. Let’s face it, both of us are incredibly intelligent, creative and capable. In a way we represent the best the species has to offer. So, we’ve done a great deal of research and found women who match our own levels of genetic purity. In order to make the world a better place and to preserve human kind’s domination of the Earth, we feel it is our duty to copulate with these women. For the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that didn’t we?

We shall now reveal the list of candidates. If these women truly care about the world and aren’t selfish and evil, they will do their duty and help us create a new race of supermen.

By sleeping with us, as often as they can…for the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that, right? So here they are, if you see your name, just drop us a line, or come over to our house and help us create a new and better world.

eugene

eugene

eugene

And if you’d like to know more about our candidates, please do visit our covers section.

Pearls of Wisdom

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Pearls of Wisdom
from the Reverend Wolfpatty

The Reverend Johnathan Wolfpatty delivers rousing sermons on the nature of fire and brimstone each Sunday at the lovely First Church of Christ’s Gaping Bloody Wounds in downtown Stovepipe, New Higland, USA.

THE PANTS OF GOD

Not long ago, I found myself at the drugstore, when, as should happen, I stumbled into the women’s personal hygiene section and noticed a particular item, which, had until then escaped my notice.

The item in question is a product known as a “panty liner,” or sanitary napkin. Now apparently, during specific time periods of the lunar cycle, the mucus and blood lining of a woman’s uterus is flushed from the body in a process known as the “menses.” This biological waste material is expunged from the woman’s vagina, where, when a sanitary napkin is not properly employed, it stains the woman’s undergarments. If it is a particularly heavy flow, it may in fact stain her outer garments as well. This is an unfortunate circumstance.

Now, this is a lot like God and how God protects us from sin. You see, sin is like this menstrual blood, it stains us with its presence. But God’s grace is a sanitary napkin, a panty liner for our soul. So, my fellow God-fearing Christians, I implore you, to each day, put on your holy pad, and protect yourself from the frothy crimson flow of sin. When God is your panty liner, your pants stay clean, and your soul will be white as a Cracker’s skin. Praise Jesus, and read your Bible every day. Thank you.

How Airplanes Work

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biplane

Everyone loves airplanes, but now you can learn how these wonderous craft cruise through the various skies.

An A&A Scienconomy Report:
On the Nature of Aeroplane-Craft

By Ulf Goltschleer, resident scienconomist and inventor of the two-way telescope

Although the Zeppelin Brand Rigid-Frame Air Ships remain the most popular form of atmospheric perambulation, aeroplane-craft are becoming more and more frequent, specifically for their use in the storming of barns and barn-like structures. Many of the public, however, do not understand the physical principles upon which these craft operate. This article shall correct that error.

PART I
The Fuselage

The fuselage is the main part of the aeroplane. Generally tubular in shape, the fuselage contains the main and auxiliary lighter-than-air bladders, as well as, in some cases, a luggage compartment. Luggage is heavier than air, unless passengers bring helium with them

PART II
Lift

Lift is generated by the wing, which uses the aerofoil concept. An aerofoil is a curved wedge shape. When air hits the aerofoil friction heats up the air around the wing, meaning the now heated air molecules move faster around the wing than normal air. As faster air begins to surround the wing it generates lift, as all air is slowly trying to get to space in order to fill up the low-pressure vacuum. Faster air moves up to space more quickly, taking the wing and the aeroplane with it. Wing flaps, located on the wings, cool the air to let the plane land, just like when you blow on hot soup to cool it off.

PART III
Aeroplane Engines

Jet engines are essentially streamlined versions of a car engine. Notice the smoke coming out of the back of a car’s exhaust? That is the same thing as when you see a jet leave a contrail across the sky. Exhaust is generated because an engine is not burning fuel efficiently. Exhaust is just left-over fuel that didn’t burn well. Car engines are very efficient and have just a little exhaust, hence why cars go only about 35mph. Jet engines are horribly inefficient and can go over 400mph, nearly three times faster than your average automobile.