Invitation to Adventure!

Join in the Adventure and explore the world’s treasures.

An Invitation to Adventurers

It may come as a surprise to many in our readership, but there are many treasures in the world today which have yet to be stolen from the mud-hewn savages of the brown skinned areas of the world and placed in museums of great import in mighty cities of Western Europe (excluding Spain) and The United States.

Thus, as a guide for Archeologicians of all parts of the Christian World, we hereby present a catologuization of relics and rarities awaiting placement in the display collections and storage spaces of British and American Museatoriums.

Each item is worth Five “points.” The person or team who first collects items totaling one hundred points wins a special prize.

1. audio or visual recording of a bum saying “silver dollar sized nipples”

2. diplomatic license plate

3. doorman’s hat

4. square bagel with everything

5. Lorne Michaels’ business card

6. Chancellor of Schools personal stationary

7. Simpsons’ “Comic Book Guy” action figure, in the package, autographed by an employee of the store Forbidden Planet

8. World Trade Center poster from any city Fire Department, double points if it says “All Gave Some, Some Gave All”

9. Mayor Bloomberg’s discarded coffee cup, signed by either the Mayor or any former Mayor or the currently standing Secretary General of the United Nations or by the Deputy Mayor

10. “Do Not Lean on Door” poster from the Grand Central/Times Square Shuttle train
Einstein was a busboy

11. name sign from Moby’s door buzzer

12. actual pot from an actual drug dealer in Washington Square Park

13. pen from sign-in sheet at Riker’s Island, double points for the actual sheet

14. velvet rope

15. photograph of yourself holding up an NYU flag in any class building at Columbia University

16. second-hand prosthetic limb

17. braille menu from LeTusse Restaurant

18. roll of toilet paper from a bathroom at the United Nations

19. photograph or video recording of a Transit Authority cop holding up a photograph of Soviet Dictator Joseph Stalin

20. piece of schist

21. candle from a cathedral

22. lost dog poster written in any non-English language

23. box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with Korean packaging

And may we say, a hearty Bon Chance to all would be expeditions. Remember, always bring along extra gurkhas. They die like flies.

A Special Interview with the King of Norway!

by Air Marshall Sir William Douglas Hayes’…

…neighbor Tim.

Air Marshall Sir William Douglas Hayes

His Royal Majesty, King Hladir VI of the House of Uum

King Hladir of Norway ascended to the throne of Norway in 1978 and has since been a very fair and popular monarch; not the sort of mad, drunken, obese partying, fornicating monarch you expect to rule in, say, England. The other day I sat down with Hladir at the local Starbucks for a couple of delicious Superchococinoes and had a pretty good talk with him. He’s a really cool guy and I like him a lot.

TIM: So, how’s it going?

HLADIR: Hvorfor?

TIM: I said, how’s it going?

HLADIR: Angre på, ne prate English.

TIM: What?

HLADIR: Just kidding, I speak perfect English. After all, I am Head of State of a major Scandinavian nation.

TIM: Oh, that’s pretty good there, Hladir.

HLADIR: Please refer to me as Your Royal Norwegian Majesty.

TIM: Sorry, Y. R. N. M., so what’s-

HLADIR: Don’t abbreviate it, say the whole thing: Your Royal Norwegian Majesty.

TIM: No.

HLADIR: Masovnarbeider!

After that Hladir stormed out, but I think the experience was good and I had fun. Norway is cool!

Tim is currently a sophomore at East Falls Community College, where he hopes to earn his Associates Degree in Travel Agent Technologies.

A Field Report: On the Nature of Monotremes

By Jeremy Rosen, Scientician and Expert on Curiosities.


Above: Blurred photo of mammals in the wild by mechanic Andrew Commons

The basics of monotreme physiology are quite diverse. The name derives from the fact that monotremes have a cloaca, a urogenital opening consisting of one hole. Like reptiles and birds, monotremes lay eggs, in this case soft leathery ones. Modern monotremes have no teeth and modified snouts or beaks. Monotremes also have a single bone in their lower jaw, three inner ear bones, high metabolic rates, hair, and they produce milk to nourish the young, in accordance with the morphology and physiognomy of other mammals. Monotremes come in three flavours: platypus, Ornithorhynchus anatinus; and echidnas of two varieties, Tachyglossus aculeatus and Zaglossus bruijnii.

The platypus, Ornithorhynchus anatinus, is a semi-aquatic monotreme with fore and aft webbed feet and a flattened tail similar to that of the placental beaver. The tail acts as a stabilizer, but also stores fat. Platypi inhabit rivers and streams in Eastern Australia from Cooktown to Tasmania in the South. While laying eggs and having some bones similar to those of reptiles, the platypus is overall entirely mammalian. The coat of the platypus is one of the most waterproof in existence. An inner layer of fine hairs traps air and an outer layer of longer, flat-bladed hairs, gives excellent insulation for the animal. While sometimes referred to as primitive, the platypus is considered to be quite evolved and sophisticated.

Some interesting features of the platypus, beyond the leathery and sensitive “duck bill,” include the male’s spur and the female’s milk producing glands. The spur is located next to each of the rear feet in all young platypi. After the first year, the females of the species shed their spurs, but the males retain them. The spur is connected to a venom sack and produces a painful wound. The venom is powerful enough to kill a dog and often causes severe damage to the males during mating season, when they become aggressive. The female’s milk glands are also quite interesting. Female platypi have no teats. Milk is produced in large glands under their skin, then the milk oozes out onto a patch of fur and the young ingest it from this point.

The echidna, comprising the genera Tachyglossus and Zaglossus, are spine-covered, slender-snouted mammals with claws. They live throughout Australia and New Guinea. The echidna produces an egg which is transferred to a pouch, where it hatches. The young are suckled from milk glands in the pouch similar to those of the platypus. Young echidna, like platypi, have teeth which they later lose.

Above: Taxidermed platypulan innards.

The coat of the echidna is comprised of coarse hair and spines, which are modified hair, like human fingernails and rhinoceros horn. The echidna doesn’t need a thick coat like the platypus because it is predominantly diurnal, foraging for insects with its long, sticky tongue. Like the platypus, the echidna has a cloaca used for excretion and reproduction.

Current scientific theory states that monotremata are a concurrent branch with other mammals that evolved alongside placental mammals. They are somehow related to marsupials, displaying similar, if more primitive physiognomy, but it is believed that they are not primitive forebears, but another branch along with marsupials. All in all, monotremata fits within the mammalian profile, nursing their young, having hair and maintaining a warm-blooded metabolism. Monotremes are cool.

Faithfully submitted to the Royal Tractor Repair and Maintenance Society of Outer Mongolia, on this the Fourth Day of May, 2003 A.D.

Dr. Jeremy-Joseph Rosen holds the distinguished Lord Rosemary Chair at the Salisbury College of Science at the University of Pretoria. Through his continued travels and expeditions, he has unearthed many biological curiosities, amongst them The Forked Fox, the Nine Toed Plute, and the Hammer Toad.

Pictured is Dr. Rosen on his expedition to Peking, Chinastan with TV personality Jamie Farr.

Vol. 456-BR6 Issue 17

Welcome to Issue 17! Inside you’ll find all your favorites, plus monotremes, aeroplanes, and our Eugenic Plea.

A Special Dedication

This Month’s Issue is Cordially Dedicated to the
Memory of our Beloved Friend, Hero and
Brother Doctor Rodger Griswald Surrey
Poet, Author, Explorer, Theosophist,
Mathematician, Dreamer, Philosopher, and
Collector of Rare and Unusual Monkey and Ape

A Man of Wisdom and Worldly Prowess.
Taken from this Mortal Coil far too soon as he
was consumed by the living fire during a freak
Hover Craft accident.

We will remember him in our hearts as he sits in
the Purgatory, suffering for his sins as he awaits
a vacancy in Heaven.

Rodger Griswald Surrey