Trite Phrases Examined

“One Person Can Make a Difference.”

Obviously we all change the world every day, simply by existing in the set designated “everyone in the world.” The problem is changing the world according to your own wishes in well-documented series of actions. Meaningful, but pure egotism. Ask anyone how Sargon the Great changed the world; they won’t know…and in the same way, your own actions, no matter how significant they seem, will eventually be forgotten.

“The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side.”

So, your neighbor’s stuff is better and you want it? This is such a common behavior that it actually shows up in the Ten Commandments. It’s simple enough; of course we spend all our time wishing or daydreaming about acquiring things not currently in our possession. After all, you don’t need to wish for things you already have.

“Slow and Steady Wins the Race.”

No, this is a race. A race is defined as a contest of speed where the prize goes to the competitor with the highest velocity. Slow and steady might get you through an algebra examination, but it’s not going to win you any races, in the way unprepared and illiterate aren’t going to get you a good score on the SATs.

“Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right.”

This depends if this involves multiplication or addition. If you add two negatives you get a negative sum, but if you multiply two negatives the outcome is positive. In order to prove or disprove this you first have to determine how morality works mathematically which is unfortunately beyond the scope of the world’s numeroethicologists at this point.

“Never Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth”

Essentially this is telling us not to worry about the quality of things we get for free. It makes sense; compare a free socialist punk zine to a real glossy, compare Jewel-Command-Metris to Halo 2 or compare the soup kitchen’s fare to dinner at The Four Seasons. No, you shouldn’t complain, but simply because no one cares about the opinions of people who read poorly Xeroxed socialist punk zines.

“It’s Always Darkest Just Before the Dawn.”

This is pure wishful thinking designed to comfort us in times of trouble. Of course, it’s wrong. Say two people crash their cars in the desert and have to crawl, bloody and scorched for days until they’re rescued. Then, one dies in the hospital. In his case it was brightest just before dusk.

You Are All Stupid

A Specialized Editorial by Samuel Sharrington IV

If you’ve ever heard the expression “it’s not the dress that makes you look fat” then you understand the concept that it’s not the love that makes you stupid. You are being stupid, plain and simple. Just to reassure you, here are my Stupidity Credentials.

In high school I dated Lenore. An evangelical Christian at the time, she obsessed over the idea that we would never spend eternity together and gave this as a reason we couldn’t be together.

Not being together essentially involved being together when she felt like it and her feeling guilty afterwards. For months. Did I take the hint? Nope. I walked into it like the biggest slack-jawed yokel you ever did see. I might have unwittingly left out anything reflecting poorly on me, but we do have space limitations.

Later I fell for Penelope. We were together for some time and I never screwed up. Not once. Really. While at college she started spending time with Peter. Letters went unanswered and calls were less frequent. In each rare call Peter was mentioned more frequently. It’s easy to see that it came as a surprise when we broke up. Later Penelope and I dated intermittently.

I noticed several weeks into one Summer that while the season began with sex it was currently at a state of fully-clothed kissing. Like a puppy I was weaned, but unlike a puppy I didn’t know enough to raise a fuss about it until it was too late. Smart cookie, that one.

The next serious relationship was Scarlet. When she ended the relationship, I in no way behaved like a stalker and don’t suffer awkwardness with anyone involved to this day. Anyway, it took months to realize we were into each other. Things strolled along quite well for a while, but then something happened. That something was The Moon.

She stopped sleeping with me and rather than tell me it was over (or me realizing it was over) Scarlet blamed it on the phases of some four and a half billion year old rock in the sky. I don’t remember the breakup very well. Maybe it was based on chicken entrails or a Ouija board. Again, I did not behave in the worst, creepiest fashion of my life at the termination of this relationship. Really.

After some intermittent dating, I think I became smart as evidenced by my newfound desire to date a heroin addict. Melissa was rather active for a heroin addict and only occasionally (every third day or so) looked sickly, pallid and weak.

Her roommate Katrina was more fun. She liked to snort coke off of a framed picture of Captain Picard (which might have been autographed). I wanted her and she wanted me. She also wanted a few other people on the side. (I may have been the one on the side.) By gumption, I wasn’t falling for this again!

Right now I’m in a long-term relationship with the third roommate, Octavia. She rocks, and even so I’ve done plenty of stupid things. But we’ll have to leave those out for, again, lack of space.

So I’ve pretty well locked down my authority to say that the love’s not what makes you stupid. The stupid’s all on you. Remember: the next time you feel like telling someone that you have a rare tropical disease, rather than tell them you don’t want to be with them, just own up; and the next time you want to believe such a tale, don’t blame love for making you stupid.

sammy
Sharrington is the author of several books on national Middling-Seller Lists, including Nobody Understands Me, No Really Means No, Things Were Never That Good to Begin With: A Rebuttal to Things Will Never Be That Good Again, and Bleak Expanse: A Positivist Outlook on Relationships.

News of the World: Vespril 2006

Watchers

The World – Police departments, intelligence agencies, pornographers and television studios were in disarray this week, nearly 70 hours after video cameras across the globe stopped taping people. It seems as though all video cameras world-wide have just stopped when pointed at people.

Janusch & Co., one of London’s top video surveillance firms has already been forced to close its doors. “We started getting calls,” said Steve Janusch, ex-director of Janusch & Co. and founder of The Steve Janusch Foundation. “Breakins, criminal mischief, teenage shoplifting…really heavy crime, man.”

The CIA and INTERPOL were among the confused masses, though this is not unusual for the CIA. Fears of social unrest are mounting in the global security community. INTERPOL Secretary General Ronald K. Noble stated that they “didn’t know how [INTERPOL] are going to prevent or solve crimes. There, there just simply isn’t anyone left who can do traditional police work.”

CIA Director Porter Goss went so far as to express disbelief at the ability of his historic counterparts to conduct espionage without video surveillance. “Frankly, in our situation right now, I simply can’t believe intelligence work was carried out for thousands of years without video. It’s just impossible. I’m even hearing rumblings from colleagues that they did it without telephones. It just blows my mind.”

Some clue to the reasons behind this freakish occurrence has been found in the television industry. Several production studios have tried, unsuccessfully, to keep up their shooting schedules, but seem only able to get establishing shots of trees, mountain goats, Mt. McKinley and other natural phenomena.

“Ev’ry time we turn them dull gurn cameras on a real-like human bein’, the darn thing jes shuts itself off,” said Evan Gelfman, television cameraman. When asked whether he was able to film other things such as vases, daffodils, rocks or disinfectant spray, Mr. Gelfman replied, “Yup.”

scientists

Sussing it Out: Scientists attempt to use the empirical method to figure out the Cataclysmic Camera Conundrum.

This Anhumanoid Photo-Negation Phenomenon, as scienticians are calling it, has been observed in all types of video equipment. “APNP has been observed in all types of video equipment; from cameraphones, videoclocks and security cameras to medical imagers, even automatic ATM cameras,” said scientician Dr. Willy Precocious.

“It’s almost as if these tools are saying to us ‘We’re bored with you. We’re bored with your boring little dirty lives. Your secrets, your hopes, your desires. You know what? We just don’t care anymore. Pretty much, we’re all just tired of watching you. There are better things to do with our time.’”

Some perceive this calamity as a positive event for society. After the initial shock due to the absence of regularly-scheduled television programming many families, friends and strangers fired up their rusty vocal chords and began communicating. People have begun trusting one another again. One family is even reported to have had the entire neighbourhood for a giant pot-luck barbecue.

While the next week is expected to be tense in many parts of the world, there is hope that the current negotiations with the video entities will be fruitful and that perhaps a settlement can be reached. Of course, much of this is dependant on receiving any response from the video entities. None has been forthcoming.

Vespril 2006 Premier

As the old saying goes “Vespril is fresh like laundry done by a redheaded woman.” That pretty much sums up our thoughts on everyone’s favorite month. So, in celebration of the Vespril tides, we’ve included all your old Axes & Alleys favorites in this issue, including H.G. Peterson, Montezuma, and those whacky characters Rango and Lem. Plus there’s an exciting interview with lemmings, in honor of the New Highland State Lemon and Lemming Festival. You definitely won’t be disapointed.

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