The World – Police departments, intelligence agencies, pornographers and television studios were in disarray this week, nearly 70 hours after video cameras across the globe stopped taping people. It seems as though all video cameras world-wide have just stopped when pointed at people.
Janusch & Co., one of London’s top video surveillance firms has already been forced to close its doors. “We started getting calls,” said Steve Janusch, ex-director of Janusch & Co. and founder of The Steve Janusch Foundation. “Breakins, criminal mischief, teenage shoplifting…really heavy crime, man.”
The CIA and INTERPOL were among the confused masses, though this is not unusual for the CIA. Fears of social unrest are mounting in the global security community. INTERPOL Secretary General Ronald K. Noble stated that they “didn’t know how [INTERPOL] are going to prevent or solve crimes. There, there just simply isn’t anyone left who can do traditional police work.”
CIA Director Porter Goss went so far as to express disbelief at the ability of his historic counterparts to conduct espionage without video surveillance. “Frankly, in our situation right now, I simply can’t believe intelligence work was carried out for thousands of years without video. It’s just impossible. I’m even hearing rumblings from colleagues that they did it without telephones. It just blows my mind.”
Some clue to the reasons behind this freakish occurrence has been found in the television industry. Several production studios have tried, unsuccessfully, to keep up their shooting schedules, but seem only able to get establishing shots of trees, mountain goats, Mt. McKinley and other natural phenomena.
“Ev’ry time we turn them dull gurn cameras on a real-like human bein’, the darn thing jes shuts itself off,” said Evan Gelfman, television cameraman. When asked whether he was able to film other things such as vases, daffodils, rocks or disinfectant spray, Mr. Gelfman replied, “Yup.”
Sussing it Out: Scientists attempt to use the empirical method to figure out the Cataclysmic Camera Conundrum.
This Anhumanoid Photo-Negation Phenomenon, as scienticians are calling it, has been observed in all types of video equipment. “APNP has been observed in all types of video equipment; from cameraphones, videoclocks and security cameras to medical imagers, even automatic ATM cameras,” said scientician Dr. Willy Precocious.
“It’s almost as if these tools are saying to us ‘We’re bored with you. We’re bored with your boring little dirty lives. Your secrets, your hopes, your desires. You know what? We just don’t care anymore. Pretty much, we’re all just tired of watching you. There are better things to do with our time.’”
Some perceive this calamity as a positive event for society. After the initial shock due to the absence of regularly-scheduled television programming many families, friends and strangers fired up their rusty vocal chords and began communicating. People have begun trusting one another again. One family is even reported to have had the entire neighbourhood for a giant pot-luck barbecue.
While the next week is expected to be tense in many parts of the world, there is hope that the current negotiations with the video entities will be fruitful and that perhaps a settlement can be reached. Of course, much of this is dependant on receiving any response from the video entities. None has been forthcoming.