Author Archives: Jeremy Rosen

The March of Progress: Tiberium 2006

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Thanks to the ICC, Now Crime Does Pay

Crime Bucks

Criminals and counterfeiting are one of the most expected of expected things in the history of the Universe. So, it will come as no surprise to our faithful readers that the International Criminal Congress started printing money this week.

This money, however, is not counterfeit. This fully-legitimate currency is backed by the confidence of its consumers: criminals. Counterfeiting has been a perennial issue for the International Criminal Congress. World trade in counterfeit Monies is rampant in the criminal community.

It has become difficult for thieves, murderers, mafiosi, drug smugglers and the like to trust one another with so many fake Monies trading hands. How can an otherwise law-abiding arms smuggler sell weapons to a band of mountain renegades if he can’t be sure the Monies used are legitimate? He certainly cannot turn around and ask the International Currency Council for a refund, no sir.

Enter Bernard “Skull” Jones: hit man, confidence trickster, and ICC President. Mr. Jones examined the situation and decided to abandon ICC Monies altogether. He came up with the idea of the ICC printing its own money and after some mumbling, the motion was passed and so Crime Cash was born.
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Letters: Tiberium 2006

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Written Correspondences From Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof

Dear Axes & Alleys,

My name is Norm Jones and what you’ve done to me is the lowest of the low. Your stooge, H.G. Peterson, your so-called “the Poe of Esperia,” told an outright falsehood in his poem on the states. Me, Norm Jones, invented “that treat beaver pie” in Norway. IN NORWAY! Not in Algonqua. Beaver pie was invented by me, Norm Jones, in Norway. That bald-pated son of a bitch has something coming to him.

Yours truly,
Sam Thomas
MacGruder, AC

Several years ago, I had occasion to travel with Mr. David Condrake on his trip to British Columbia. We stayed in that lovely rest for the weary, Aunt Jessie’s B&B in Bridge Lake. The coffee was strong, the milk fresh, the salmon from the West Coast and the pepper imported. All my time there, I never once saw a mockingjay. We fished, saw the forest, many lakes and ate dinner with many fine people. We had a wonderful time. I just thought you might like to know.

Sincerely,
Mortimer Sneed
Forestville, CA
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Tiberium 2006 Premier

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You know what’s better than rainbows, unicorns, pots of gold or peace and happiness? That’s right…money. And money, as we all know, can be exchanged for goods and services. One such good and/or service is the latest issue of your favorite magazine Axes & Alleys in an easily printable PDF which you can download just by clicking here.

You can also use money to buy rainbows and give them to puppies for Christmas.