How to Do It: October 2005

With regular commentator LeMuel LeBratt
By Permanent Guest-Commentator R. Yadaris Sythe

Defending Yourself Against Alien Abductions


According to recent research released by the National Institutes of Health, one in six Americans has been abducted by aliens from outer space. This rate of abduction is nearly twice that of people abducted by illegal aliens. Essentially, this information means that if you have not yet been abducted, you probably will be some time before next Tuesday.

We at Axes & Alleys remain ever vigilant in our defense of the good people of Earth. Experts in related fields (including chemistry and philosophy) have provided us a veritable laundry list of things that you can do to protect yourself against alien abductions.

Follow these simple guidelines and you’ll be certain that the only person probing your rectum will be Carla from the escort service.

  • Like cats, aliens are terrified of vacuum cleaners. If you sense aliens approaching, simply turn on the ol’ Hoover and any nearby aliens will scurry to safety by crawling under a nearby bed.
  • Aliens would be categorized as obsessive-compulsive by the diktat of the DSM IV. Make sure to keep your home highly disorganized and aliens may fear to tread there (however, beware of alien automatons).
  • Aliens tend to be very sensitive to universal vibrations. As crystals can project these vibrations, it can be useful to wear a crystal. These are available at many New Age boutiques. If there are no New Age boutiques in your area, remember that ordinary table salt is a crystal (NaCl). Try pouring a bunch of salt on your head before retiring for the night.
  • As alien auras broadcast on a different frequency than human auras, aliens have been known to absorb energy from electrical systems. If the power drains from your home you are in an alien-friendly environment. Try using a portable gasoline generator in your bedroom. The carbon monoxide fumes should kill any aliens who try and come near you.
  • If you suddenly awaken in your bedroom to discover aliens standing over you, a good trick to avoid abduction is to simply open the release on the airlock. It might be good to quip “Get away from her, you bitch” before letting the aliens fly off into the void.
  • For areas not equipped with airlocks where you might awaken to find aliens standing over you, remember that aliens are exceedingly polite. Say something like “excuse me, I must prepare the potatoes.” Then make a quick getaway while they wait.
  • Aliens have skin which is very sensitive to earth environments. This can be very handy information if you have to thwart any alien abduction attempts. Try and use a harsh fabric softener if you do any laundry for the aliens.
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  • Known for their small, thin gray physique and overly large eyes, aliens can be easy targets. Try sleeping with darts in your bed. Hitting big, black, almond-shaped eyes can often be easier that hitting the cork after four pints of Guinness.
  • Most aliens don’t know how to drive stick. You might want to sleep in a car with manual transmission.
  • Alien tongues are especially sensitive to sweetness. To avoid abduction, try leaving a bunch of candy on your neighbor’s doorstep. The aliens might just get the hint.
  • Many abductees have claimed that prayer can be a good defense against abduction. If you find yourself paralyzed in bed with aliens standing ominously above you, pray to Jesus Christ. Should that fail, try submitting to Allah. Conversion to Islam may help you stop the aliens, as suicide bombing can be very effective, even against extraterrestrial visitation.
  • While there may be little you can do to defend yourself against alien abduction once the vile creatures have already infiltrated your home, remember that a simple anti-aircraft defense can be very effective against flying saucers. 88mm artillery can do serious damage to alien craft and can also be used to shell alien positions.

As you can see, with some simple precautions you can secure your home and person against these space miscreants. Many of these same tactics can be used to protect loved ones, co-workers, even pets. Always be vigilant.

R. Yadaris Smythe is a marine-carpenter whose hobbies include Bacon Festivals.


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