How to Do It: October 2003

With Regular Commentator Lemuel LeBratt

This week’s Slow Torture Tutorial with LeMuel LeBratt has been indefinitely postponed. This week we offer you a replacement column instead, authored by Mrs. Marcia Mountbatten, Esq. Mrs. Esq. is a famous expert and knower of all things mechanical.

In this column, Mrs. Esq. will instruct you on how to construct a mechanical automaton and perhaps also how to make it function. This automaton will be able, with little effort, to maintain the appearance of the home, yard and vestibule.

It will perform laundering tasks, of both clothing and money. Our mechanical automaton will function as your own personal in-home certified public accountant and banker. Feel free to leave your money with him.

Also explored in this week’s column, how a mechanical automaton can service you, including: oral sexual relations, anal sexual relations and other forms of physical pleasure.


Conversely, we will also explore how your new mechanistical man will be able to slowly torture your political enemies, personal enemies and neighbours. Pesky problems will vanish instantaneously with torture!

Never before seen images of the nefarious, home constructed being will be shown to you, along with easy to follow instructional panels relating to construction and maintenance.

Well, we hope you enjoyed this month’s “How To Column,” be sure to check back next month when regular commentator LeMuel LeBratt returns from his vacation in the beautiful land of Esperon.


Documentus Illuminati Part IV

An In-Depth Exploration of the History of our World (the Earth).


The Current Masters of the Illuminati

Lucianno Biscotti

Dave Aroumond

Sir Camdon Midge

Brezny Van Clatterhorn

Across the galaxy there is a massive political, military and religious order known only as The Arcane. On Earth, little is known of The Arcane except that they are descendants of the beings who originally built the Universe. They value a power source known as Gnossis; an energy which holds together all matter and is generated by certain rare species, among them Human Beings.

Many thousands of years ago Humans were very powerful, due to the fact that we could generate our own Biognossis. The people of that time had the power to violate socalled “laws of physics,” an ability intrinsic to those beings who can harness the power of Gnossis. The Humans were giants, 10 feet tall. They could fly, move about between different areas simultaneously, turn invisible and manifest all manner of psychic abilities. They were ruled by a theocratic sect called the High Priests of Nephellium.

In roughly 20,000 B.C. The Arcane came to Earth and forged a corrupt pact with the High Priests of Nephellium. The Arcane would be allowed to construct a Machine in the core of the Earth which would drain the naturally produced Gnossis from the Humans. In exchange, the Priests of Nephellium would be given residence on Mars, free from the Machine, where they could live forever while retaining their natural powers. On the plains of Mars, The Arcane constructed a vast beautiful city full of wealth and riches and surrounded it by an atmospheric dome. The city was christened Cydonia.

Cydonia: Ancient Wonder.

The Arcane brought in the Gribbish, a diminutive, dwarf-like, slave race from a distant world. The Gribbish were forced to dwell in the core of the Earth as troglodytes, maintaining the Machine for generation after generation. To oversee the entire operation, The Arcane built themselves an administrative base on Molad (the planet between Mars and Jupiter) where The Arcane Governors would dwell.

The Humans still on Earth, unbeknownst to them, were sapped of their powers as the Machine drained their lifepower from them over the years. The Machine absorbed their Gnossis, leaving them to provide star-crushing power to the War Machines of The Arcane. On Cydonia, the High Priests of Nephellium remained unaffected in their role as underlords of the new Earth system.

Cydonia: Modern Ruins.

This system functioned flawlessly for thousands upon thousands of years until around the year 4000 B.C. when Jemus, an Arcane Overlord from the far side of the Universe, rebelled in an attempt to take control of The Arcane and their system of Gnossis-Gathering Machines spread across the Cosmos. In the year 4004 B.C. a Jeman army landed on Earth and gathered together a select group of the enslaved Humans. These individuals were told about The Arcane and their corrupt pact with the Priests of Nephellium. The Jemans taught the Human leaders mathematics, science, writing and other forms of learning. The Jemans also gave unto the Humans an incredibly powerful weapon called The Key; a device which will, when the time is at hand, enable the Humans to destroy the Machine and free Humanity forever. Fearing that The Arcane would find The Key, the Humans disassembled it and hid the three pieces in the remote corners of the world, awaiting the time when Jemus would come to Earth to save Humanity.

After imparting knowledge and giving The Key, the Jemans departed to continue their war against The Arcane. Unfortunately, within a few years the Jemans were defeated in the war and cast out of The Arcane Construct forever. After the war Jemus himself went into hiding, vowing to return again and defeat The Arcane once and for all.

Arcane Overlord Jemus (artist’s concept).

On Earth the Human leaders, full of new knowledge, formed a sacred group, The Masters of the Illuminati, and created a singular world government centered in the mighty city of Atlantis. There they began using Jeman technology to build a fleet of airships which served as flying battle platforms. They also began to construct a gigantic laser ray of massive power.

In only a short time, the monitoring stations of Cydonia enabled the Priests of Nephellium to discover the advances being made by the Illuminati. The Priests launched an attack on the Illuminati airbase on the Nazca Plain and scored a victory by destroying the shining Human city of Tiahuanaco.

Gribbish work deep in the Earth’s core.

In response, the Illuminati massed its forces in the plains of Perse and began to prepare for a counter-attack. They were caught unprepared, however, when the Nephellium descended upon them with fury. In the ensuing battle, the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were reduced to radioactive ash and the Illuminati?s armies were forced to retreat back into the safety of the stronghold of Atlantis. As the Nephellium moved in to encircle the City of Atlantis, the Illuminati launched a desperate all out counter-attack. Though the attack decimated the city, the Nephellium were repulsed and driven back to Cydonia with the armies of the Illuminati in pursuit. In a cataclysmic event, Cydonia was destroyed utterly and the Illuminati executed many of the Nephellium.

The Sigil of the Order of Nephellium

But, as the Atlantians reveled in victory, The Arcane Governors prepared to launch a bomb towards Atlantis. Jeman sympathizers, however, sabotaged the bomb and it failed to detonate, allowing the Atlantians time to utilize their death ray. The first blast destroyed Molad completely, leaving it only as a scattered asteroid belt between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter. The few survivors of Molad fled back to The Arcane Construct who, for reasons yet unknown, have not yet attempted to take back control of Earth.

Skull of Lucifer, last of the Nephellium

Most probably this is because their insidious Machine continues to function fully, enslaving Humankind with the manacles of physical laws and providing Gnossis to power the weapons and worlds of The Arcane despite the Illuminati?s attempts to destroy the Machine and free Humanity.

Back on Earth Lucifer, believed to be the last of the Nephellium, used a secret weapon to destroy Atlantis, which sank beneath the waves of the North Atlantic forever. The few Masters of the Illuminati fled to the Secret Island of Reme, where the city of Reme had been founded earlier by Remus, brother of Rome?s founder Romulus. On the Hidden Isle of Reme, the Masters of the Illuminati set up a clandestine government over Humankind, using hidden means to control Earth?s civilization to guide it towards an eventual future when Earth can unite, destroy the Machine and free themselves from The Arcane forever.

Not a Map

Look Forward to Further Installments!

Part VII– An Arcane spaceship crashes in Siberia in 1908 A.D. and allows the Russian Communists access to powerful technology, prompting the USSR to break away from the Illuminati and set up their own Order of Lenin as a prelude to an attempt to take over the World and the Galaxy. Two World Wars ensue.

Part VIII– When a Jeman ship lands at Roswell, New Mexico in 1947, the United States discovers the secrets of Cydonia and begins a program to eventually send troops to Mars to try and discover the lost Nephellium technology.

Von Daniken
Courageous Autodidacts work tirelessly to uncover the truth about the evil Arcane Construct. Pictured here: Himie Von Branigan.

News of the World: October 2003

Norway Invaded!

Flying High: New Norwegian dictator, Lumpy, presides as the Neo-Norwegian flag is hoisted above the capital

OSLO- Continuing a nearly two century trend in momentous governmental change for Norway, marmosets captured the entirety of Norway’s ruling parliament, the Storting, today. Chief Marmoset of Battle, Harold Longteeths, proclaimed “grrrraaaworweeep!”

The decisive move is more than likely the last in the boldest invasion since that of Sweden in the 19th Century. The Royal Family is reportedly on the run in Norway’s northern tundra. A division of marmoset commandos has been trailing King Harald V and the Crown Prince, who fled the palace and their respective wives in a fit of cowardice.

With the marmosets now creating a provisional Neo-Norwegian government, protests from around the globe seem impotent at best. “I understand that Norwegia has been attacked today. I know some white people are very upset at this moment and I would just like to say I feel their pain,” said President Handley of the U.S.

However, other world leaders seem particularly gleeful over the takeover. “I think those damned Norwegians got what they deserved. Maybe now the marmosets will share the women with us,” a jovial Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy declared.

Fear Rules the Streets: Marmoset attack on Oslo

It is not clear what the marmoset’s next moves in Norway or beyond will be, but the other Scandinavian countries have been girding for war, with backup evacuation plans to Iceland and Greenland in the works, the next year appears to be one of the greatest movements of Scandinavian peoples since the year 994.

Letters: October 2003

Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Esteemed Sirs and Mdmes,
Throughout your previously printed perambulations and-nay, at times, peregrinations – thru the punctillia of terrestrial wonders, I have seen very little attention given to a subject very close to my heart and indeed as important a matter as there possibly is.
I am talking about the very ground itself: soil, in all its magnificent permutations, the very earth onto which the first slimy little pseudo vertebrates crawled and upon which we, the more advanced and infinitely more slimy vertebrates, now crawl!
Dirt, not to put too fine a point on it, my bailiwick, if you will. Sandy, loamy, claylike, muddy, ah, we betray our shame of the dirtiness of our origins by reviling our mother Earth day in day out-like the time my nanny caught me rolling on the parlor floor in her foundation garments that I’d “borrowed.”? “You dirty little boy,” ?she fairly bellowed- though at the time what dirt had to do with anything, I am hard pressed to tell, unless of course you consider that she may have been worried about my rolling in her fresh clothes and would probably have to clean them again.
I didn’t think it was dirt I got on them. However that may be, I think we have relegated a mistakenly lowly estimation to dirt. It grows all our food, holds the trees down and our houses up. Why, many people do not even know the number of different varieties and types of dirt there are or that it is often full of decomposing and fermenting nutrients so very difficult to obtain in a normal modern diet. Why I myself am not above tossing a spoonful in my morning porridge and keep a sort of larder containing jars of the many different kinds for when friends of similar predilections drop by, you should see our meetings!
Now there are some dirty little bastards if you like! All smeared and dripping- well, let me not digress. Suffice to say, we would love to see more articles and studies along these lines-with pictures!
What say you-let’s have a little more dirt-eh? All the best in your tireless endeavors to civilize this clod, one reader at a time, and here’s mud in your eye.
Yours Truly,

Sir Evans Wang-Chung
(President, Malaysian Society of Soil Science)

Dear Persons to Whom This May Concern:
I would like to whole-heartedly congratulate you on the grandiose triumph of your invasion of Northern Italy. The swiftness with which you laid waste to the villages of the Lombards serves as an inspiration to us all, as does your burning of the purulent settlements of Venice. So, chip chip cheerio to you, good people, and much luck in your further endeavors and excursions.

Leo X of Sicily

To Axes and Alleys,
Last month’s issue featured Sammy “The Dark Wombat” Sneed’s nature article “How to Identify Various Types of Frogs’ Vomitous Excretions.” This article, unfortunately, featured several factual errors.
First and foremost, the vomit of the Hobson’s Lesser Grounded Frog (Ceratophrys migmum) is paste-like, with very very few bits of grit and extraneous pieces. While Sneed apparently felt that this vomit was coarse and gummy, I would have to disagree.
Secondly, the Boring Frog of the Upper Esperon Delta (Ceratophrys sansodor) has never vomited in captivity and thus the true texture of its naturally-occurring oral escapations cannot be positively known. Mr. Sneed has based his identifications of Boring Frog vomit only on the vomit of captured frogs which, from what I understand, bears little resemblance to the hypothesized vomit textures of the wild frogs. This does not appear to be fully scientific. Everything else appearing in the article was spot-on, though.
Good work, Sneedy.

Luscious Hattermourne
(Professor of English Literature, University of Chad)

Dear Cap’n,
It is very lucky that many of us are not shot on a daily basis. Why, I myself have ventured from my home on many daily occasions and have rarely had the flesh of my body torn to shreds by the terrifying power of shells, bullets, musket balls or harpoons. How fortunate for those of us who remain alive each day.

Victor Zokhast
(People’s Liberation Army)

Vol. 456-BR6 Issue 19

Featuring the Illuminati, Serialized Moon Fiction, Biology, and the Latest News from Norway!


We here at Axes and Alleys must report the latest very unfortunate news. It seems as though this world we have come to love and dwell upon is coming to an end next Tuesday. Therefore, we must apologize as this will be our final issue.

This was first brought to our attention when Dr. Sigmund G. Folive, our resident Egyptologist, turned in his latest report on the precise scientific measurement of the Great Pyramid of Cheops in Egypt.

It seems that when one multiplies the height of the Pyramid (481 ft.) by the measurements of the bases (4 x 775.75) and then multiplies that number by the degree of inclination (51?) and then divides the total by the number of blocks used in the construction (2,300,000); and when this sum is multiplied by the number of stars in the Milky Way Galaxy (605,166,825.22) you get the number 20,031,021,915 which corresponds to the date October 21st, 2003 at 9:15. Archaeologists are not sure, however, as to whether this indicates an evening or morning apocalypse.

They are certain, though, that this is correct as they have found hieroglyphs which state that the Pyramid was built specifically for the purpose of determining the end of the year by using the Neo-Gregorian calendar and modern Imperial units of measurement. So, readers, enjoy this last issue and have a nice Doomsday.