This essay contains information on buckets. It does not contain information on non-bucket items.

An Essay on Buckets

by Company’s Sergeant Major (CSM)
Nigel Rivvens Surrey Stonehouse.
(4th Battalion, Durham Light Infantry)

Buckets are hollow containers distinguished from bins by their cylindrical shape. Bins, generally, are square or cubical. Pots, while cylindrical, have a side-mounted singular projecting prop handle while a bucket is usually noted by its double mounted 180 arc wire frame handle. Buckets may be constructed from any number of materials including, but not limited to, wood, plastic, metal or porcelain. They may or may not have a pouring lip perforation in the rim, located perpendicular to the handle mountings.

There may be containers, similar in design to what we have above described as buckets, but with surfaces punctuated by varied perforations. These are not buckets, but rather are strainers, for the primary function of a bucket is to contain water or another liquid. Thus may a bucket aid in the transport of liquids. Due to the non-solid surface, a strainer would be ineffective in holding or transporting fluids as the fluid would have a tendency to drain fromthe holes and fall toward the ground. A bucket, with its constant surface, avoids this problem.

Buckets are used by all manner of gentlemen, for instance, those who work for the Fire Department. Their vocational duties are so entwined with buckets that these firefellows are sometimes called a “Bucket Brigade.” Nomads of Arabia use wooden buckets to draw up life-giving water from isolated desert oases. Custodians of many buildings and structures the world over use buckets to hold their frothy, soap-strewn waters. Buckets are cool.

Entertainments for Children and the Mentally Infirm

Hey kids, don’t be bored this summer! Axes & Alleys has tons of fun stuff for you to do!

Currently the twenty-three and one half degree axial tilt of the planet Earth has produced a situation wherein our Northern Hemisphere is tilted toward the Sun. This is known as “Summer.” During this period children are free from the drudgeries of scholastic endeavor, harvesting and sweat-shop factory work. This can produce idleness, which poisons young minds. Thus, we present here an inventory of wholesome activities to ensure that children remain active and free from the temptations of Satan and his countless demonic minions.

Visit a local Petting Zoo. There you can see neat animals like sheep and goats. You can then inquire about employment opportunities. They may have an opening and you can spend your summer with animals, shoveling their waste.

Find a stray dog and adopt it. Give it a funny name and teach it some tricks. Then, using a wood chopping axe, slaughter the dog, skin and gut it. Then cook and eat it. You get a fine meal and get to learn new things about other cultures, such as what real Chinese food tastes like.

Get together a few friends and form a club. A fun type of club is the Detective Club. You get to have a clubhouse, hold cool meetings and spy on your parents and neighbors. Be sure to report any suspicious activity to the police.

Or, you could spend a rainy afternoon at the local library and formulate a working Unified Field Theory.

The fun never stops with Axes & Alleys!

Ask Montezuma: September 2003

Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.

Montezuma: Retaliates against Westerners
via gastro-intestinal infections.

Dear Montezuma,
I am a simple farmer, trying to eke out a living in rural Kansas. Recently, my wife and I were shocked to discover that our son is gay. While we still love him and care for him, we can’t accept his idea that this is just his natural thing and not some rebellion phase he’s just going through. What is the best time of year to plant butter beans?
Farmer And Grower of Different Agricultural Disciplines

Mine dearest FAG DAD,
The first proposition I would make to you is that of not smoking. Dying of lung cancer earlier than the Gods demand is indubitably a way in which to fail at the planting, growing and harvesting of butter beans. Butter beans, the succulent legume which is a favorite upon tables of all classes, are best planted at the same time of year as butternut squash. You should plant them at this time, lest the iniquities of your existence prevail upon the shining brightness that was your spirit.

Dear Montezuma,
I am at my wits’ end trying to get my six year old son Billy and his eight year old sister Lilly to eat their vegetables. We’ve tried everything, including bolting them to Renaissance torture devices while force-feeding them, knocking them out with high voltage tazers and then hooking them up to IV feeders, as well as simple bludgeoning with hammers. But nothing works. Is there any way I can get these kids to eat?
My Overt Mission Is Simply Enforcing Vital Ingestion Laws

Dear MOM,
You may get more success in killing your children by proceeding as my ancestors did and sacrificing your children upon an altar to the Gods. Separating the living heart from the body pleases the Gods and brings blessings to your family and nation.

Dear Sirs,
In reading your magazine, I have come across several insulting references to needle-nosed pliers of the small variety. I feel the need to call attention to these egregious and toolist remarks. You said, and I quote, “needle-nosed pliers of the small variety only have one join.” It is incredibly bigoted to present the needle-nosed pliers community as a monolithic entity. Some of us have two joins.
Joseph P. Joseph, Buggy Whip Salesman

Jo-Jo, dear boy,
If you’ll refer to the United States Department of Agriculture’s annual Definitions, Uses, Modification and Construction of Common, Less-Common and Obscure Tools for Use in Home, Farm, Automobile and Carpentry Construction and Repair (1999), you’ll see that needle-nosed pliers contain one join.

Dear Montezuma,
Why is it that when I get up in the morning I have to urinate a lot, but later in the day, I must wear trousers? This is killing me, seriously. Please respond ASAP.
Sort of Confused and Ambivalent Man

Dearest SCAM,
The reasons why you must urinate much in the morning and wear trousers later in the day are many. A precedent was set according to the Trouser and Urination Act of 1674 wherein urination and trousers were intimately linked. This, in turn, was based on the Roman Senate’s first proclamation as a rule making body, ordering that “exeunt pacem trouseri urea locum locus.” I’m sure this has cleared up a grand mystery for you, SCAM. May good fortune follow you throughout your life.

Make sure to check back next month for more advice from Montezuma.

The Pandaland Couplets


by H.G. Peterson

H.G. Peterson is a leading expert on
International Maritime Law
and on Bridge Playing Tactics.

The ocean is water, the beach is of sand
I want to go to Panda Land

Pandas can see and Pandas can do
In Panda land you can find Panda poo

If Pandas were bishops, then they would wear mitres
If they were pilots then they’d fly stealth fighters

Pandas are black, and Pandas are white
But a shaved naked Panda’s a horrible sight

Pandas are dextrous and work their turn tables
But they can’t ride horses and thus have no stables

Pandas get colds and pandas get goitres
But their legs are to short to allow them to loiter

Pandas love fun and pandas love sport
And they pass down judgments in the Panda Land Court

Pandas look good in black and white photographs
But really fat pandas throw off seismographs

Pandas make waffles and bamboo fricassee
They gorge themselves stupid all night and day

An M-1 tank would crush Pandas to paste
So when one is coming they don helmets with haste

When Pandas are injured they go in for surgery
When they lie on the stand they are guilty of perjury

I met a Panda once, while visiting Toronto
He said he was James, but his friends called him Tonto

Pandas eat mussels, clams and kielbasa
And their cocaine binges leave a tabula rasa

Pandas in ones and Pandas in twos
Panda Land has problems with drinking and booze

Pandas and big boats and these boats have decks
Where upon Pandas have S& M sex

Pandas get drunk and then they smoke reefer
And they’re favourite actor is Sutherland, Kiefer

The panda house has a basement and attic
But their universe theories are still somewhat static

Pandas have rifles and Pandas have bombs
The Panda Land Army enjoys Proverbs and Psalms

Some Pandas are Christian Scientists and not Presbyterians
These Pandas forbid going to see veterinarians

Panda Land has buildings and even a quay
But few Panda males are openly gay

Panda Land has a language similar to Chinese
Pandas take to hang gliding with the greatest of ease

There are Pandas called Lisa and some who are Michaels
But the ones named Muldoony ride blue unicycles

Pandas are smart and Pandas are bright
But the fires of hatred burn into the night

Pandas like blue and Pandas like orange
But Pandas have not mastered the secret of door hinge

Pandas built statues of bamboo and bronze
They display them proudly in front, on their lawns

Panda land is round and surrounded by snakes
But inside its borders are myriad lakes

When Pandas are insulted, they’re quick to retort
Especially when insults occur near resorts

Panda land stores have quite a selection
Especially tools for skilled vivisection

You’ll never see a Panda on the flying trapeze
But there are lots of Panda Pirates sailing the seas

Pandas are hip to all that new jive
But Vir is their favourite on Babylon 5

Pandas have not yet discovered Quaoar
But Panda Land science has still gone quite far

Pandas have missiles, machetes and limes
But only because it is near the End Times

Pandas like cunnilingus and they like fellatio
Panda Land temples reflect the golden ratio

Pandas keep mice and worms in their homes
And each live in small little plastercast domes

Pandas study the work of Buckminster Fuller
Tug-o-war is won by the best Panda puller

Panda Land is rich with artwork and fountains
But none of their sages sit atop the tall mountains

Of all of the spices, Pandas most love their garlic
With their tongues and a Chevy they play a game they call “Car-lick”

Pandas like relaxation and do enjoy loafin’
And treating their headaches with fresh ibuprofen

Panda Land castles have grotesque gargoyles
And Panda Land lepers are covered in boils

Panda land robots are known to be shiny
The ones they call nanites are essentially tiny

The March of Progress: September 2003


by Lydia Ratwelder
Staff Writer and Duocycle Enthusiast, Winner of the 1986 Yitchy Prize for Floral Arrangement Destruction

Bowling Balls are an amazing new industrial product, first discovered in 1887 by Swedish scientist Yaltosa Ban Botta. Today the Russian province of Kamchatka remains one of the world’s foremost bowling ball producing areas.

Within the carbonicthixotropic core lie many small elementules, which are small, complex chains of proteins wrapped in polymer sheathes.

These elementules migrate to the holocore. At the holocore they are picked up by bowler?’s fingers and scattered. Those elementules which are able to land near large sources of carbon (dead animals, coal mines, pencil cases) are able to reproduce. After exchanging protein segments, the elementules grow, absorbing carbon and other trace elements from their environment, which they metabolize.

Eventually, the polymer sheathe is shed and the bowling balls enter their haploid state. The haploid mesomorphs are known as Endotrophins.

Endotrophins move freely, using their extropherous probes to absorb carbon and plastic from the subterranean tunnels and warrens. The carbon is metabolized and stored in the gastroceleph. When the gastroceleph is full, it drops off and becomes a new bowling ball.

The balls are gathered by local herdsmen and sold at market to traveling mongers who export them for use in Milwaukee and other bowling-heavy areas of North America.

hector mcginty