Axes & Alleys:Call a Toll-Free Number for Details!

There’s been a lot of talk lately about Global Warming, the Greenhouse Effect, the Next Ice Age, Killer Hurricanes, Dust Bowls and Nuclear Winter. Here at Axes & Alleys, we’re not worried about that all. For one, the Killer Bees will get us first. But, also because there’s a much deadlier and dangerouser threat facing humanity.

It’s called Global Fog, and it could spell the end of society, or at least the end of a society that features speedy driving. With Global Fog, you won’t be able to go more than twenty five miles per hour. The visibility would just be too reduced, you see.

So make sure you buy at least two copies of this issue to help Axes & Alleys in its quest to stop Global Fog. Together we can make a difference of some sort.

The AphrosCover Girl: Sela Ward

Sela Ward helps us all torealize that not
only can women over fifty be attractive,
they can also be cute.
Yes, we are sexist.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

These famous words can be a found in a brochure we got at Independence Hall in Philadelphia. And today, we urge you to heed these words and listen to that hallowed brochure. Yes, you should do what the brochure tells you and pursue your happiness. A great way to not only pursue happiness, but also catch it, it to check out this month’s new issue of Axes & Alleys. It features helpful hints for invading Long Island, the Historigon, our review of Telenovela Star’s new record, and tons of stickers.

Download the newest issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.

Axes & Alleys:
Winners of the Waukeegan Clambake!

As you’ve no doubt been aware since grade school, February is National Grapefruit Month. What you may not know is that every day in the Axes & Alleys offices begins with a grapefruit and prayer breakfast. DJ Trickyfingers from the Creative Department is in charge of procuring and preparing the grapefruit, and he does such a good job.

We then sit around the table, each with a half of grapefruit, and sprinkle Sweet & Low on top. It leaves such a wonderful aftertaste. You wouldn’t believe it unless you tried it. We each have our own way of eating the grapefruit. Angus Lopez, our office manager, takes the simple route by mashing the grapefruit directly into his face. It’s messy, but it gets the job done.

Finally we all stand up and hold hands for our daily prayer, led by photographer Bernard Roosten. He usually keeps it brief, although one time he recited a prayer for over a half hour in which he gave thanks for each pair of shoes he’d ever owned.

So, this issue we offer our thankful prayers for the mild winter so that come summer, there will be plenty of juicy, delicious grapefruit for us to eat.

xxx ooo

Delores R. Grunion
Editor-In-Chief

Pentember Cover-Girl Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore is the first Axes & Alleys
cover-girl to ever give a member of the editorial
staff a high-five. Her name is an anagram of
“warm robe dryer.”

An independent panel of Swedish truck driving instructors has declared that Axes & Alleys’ Mapril issue is the best one ever. They probably said this because it contains such wonderful contents as a Spaceship Built by Ants, a few interesting anecdotes about Jimmy the Leper, Katie Stalin’s trip to the Grand Canyon, Faith DaBrooke’s thoughts on procrastination, plus all your favorites like Montezuma, Classifieds and Stickers, Stickers, Stickers.

Download the best ever issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.

Axes & Alleys:
And the World of Tomorrow!

Dear Readers, Listeners and Lookers,
You might not know it, but each and every issue of the world’s greatest tractor related magazine, Axes & Alleys, is printed in many different formats. There are over two-hundred and eight different languages (209 to be exact) as well as picture-only versions for the illiterate. Believe it or not, there is even an online version in PDF form that doesn’t exist; it’s all just 1s and 0s inside of computers.

Be sure to enjoy this issue, and maybe even check out the handcopied Monastic edition, the Islamic edition which features very few pictures of the prophet Muhammad, the Chinese version which you have to read backwards, or the Dutch-Stereotype version which comes with a tulip and wooden clogs.

Whichever version of this fine publication you happen to be reading, be sure to enjoy it and the wonderful tractor-related information contained therein.
xxx ooo
Delores R. Grunion
Editor-in-Chief

Pentember Cover-Girl Eva Green

Eva Green appeared as Vesper Lynd
in the good version of Ian Flemming’s
Casino Royale.She is much
better looking than either Ian Flemming or
Cubby Broccoli.