Montezuma: Circuit Martyr
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Montezuma was born in 1466 and became emperor in 1502. He governed with great cruelty. His dominions having been attacked and conquered by Cortez, he was killed in 1520 by his subjects while attempting to persuade them to submit to the Spaniards. Montezuma now writes a nationally-syndicated advice column and currently resides in Pangeria with his wife Trudy and their two children Christopher and Kayla. He enjoys boating and human sacrifice.

Dear Montezuma,

Recently, while gardening, I came to the conclusion that I have been dead for some time now. While I do find this state relaxing, I have been wondering whether cremation or burial would be more appropriate. Although burial seems more conservative, as a former NBA all-star I find that the Viking funeral bier holds many exciting possibilities. My question for you is this: How many golf balls would fit in the Grand Canyon? Please give an exact figure.

Wilt Chamberlain (deceased)

Dearest Wilty,

The divot in a golf ball has been created, through much trial and error in middle latitudes, to cause a disturbance in the air flow around the golf ball and thus ease its flight through the air for further drives down the fairway. Divots play an important role in the fundamental stacking problems of modern mathematics and should be factored into any traditional Grand Canyon Stacking Equation. Divots offer numerous surface area expansion possibilities and so a golf ball has much more surface area than a comparable whiffle ball. Taking into account a surface area of 2, with space between balls stacked in a traditional grocer’s orange stack being 17, plus the constant perturbation of the base of the stack of golf balls by the Colorado River, one can only assume that the precise figure would be 5.28 with a remainder of 1. Of course, Stopecki’s Overflight Theorem theorizes an golf-ballogical constant of 12, throwing the true number into the realm of the imaginary. We can thus conclude that the true number can only be calculated through gravitational lensing.

Dear Montezuma,

I have a guy friend whom I really like. I’ve known him about four years. We’ve started holding hands and he even kissed me one time, but he wonÕt tell me if he likes me or not. He knows I like him. I get really frustrated because he keeps sending mixed signals. All the other guys at the oil refinery where I work think that this is really weird. What should I do?

James “Big Jim” Doheen Aniston, Alabama

Dear Big Jim, if that is your real name,

The solution to this problem is very easy. Take a paper clip, a magnet, two meters of thread and a small saucer of water. Rub the magnet against the paper clip several times to impart a distinct polarity to its luscious coils. Gently place the voluptuous paper clip on the surface of the water you’ve placed in the saucer. The hydrogen bonds in water create a wonderful meniscus upon which our hallowed fastener can sustain itself. Watching the movements of this time-honoured treasure will lead to deeper understanding of the situation.

Dear Montezuma,

While on a recent vacation, I visited the ruins of Tihuanaco, in your homeland of Old Mexico. I was amazed by the ruins which are found there. Many of them consist of enormous stone blocks. Naturally rational thought leads me to the undisputable conclusion that these must have been built by aliens some millions of years ago. Was Mexico visited by aliens way back in the day?

Mrs. A. B. Doberman Papua New Guinea

Dear Mrs. Doberman,

Did Kublai Kahn in Xanadu a stately pleasure-dome decree? What is that toe nail thing in the hamburger? Is existence a delusion created by complex actions in the mind? Does skullfucking really take place and, if so, how pleasurable is it, really? These questions and more are all answered in my new Time-Life book, Montezuma Answers These Questions and More, More, More. This 327 page volume, available for only $19.99 covers over 400 years of stately advice from Yours Truly.