Advertisements (Classified): December 2003

Advanced formula for the creation of sub-dermal dendrite clusters in modern homo sapiens. Must result in watermelon vines growing from ears. Price negotiable. Must not exceed one week’s milk money. Call Joshy: 544-8903

Arthritic orangutan with septum punch, lobe and cartilage piercings and a prince albert-style penis ring. No papers or registration. Loves to party. South Bole Animal Clinic: 55 Sandhurst Roundabout

Beautiful half acre lot of sand and brush. Ant colony, broken bottle and rusting chain-link fence are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to amenities on this parcel! $3000 C.D. or best offer. Zone Riteā„¢ Properties and Solicitations, A Daniel Bester, Inc. Company. 800-956-1562

One body, formerly containing the essence of personality (soul if you will) of Vladimir Lenin. Good condition, but missing left middle toe. Contact The Kremlin, 1 Kremlin Plaza, Moscow.

Photographs of original cast of “Charles in Charge” for use with Voodoo. Will pay top euro for Willy Aimes pics. Audrey 2-990-887-0043

My emasculated boyfriend. Tall, lanky, dark and pale, Bobby is your man. Will already be broken and ready to be brow beaten into doing your bidding. Available for three weeks starting in July. No gays or professional slavers, please. Mary, last house on the left.

For Sale sign. Mint condition. Call Todd.

Gary, our 7 year old cocker spaniel has gone missing. For over fifteen years we have searched every corner of the state, but to no avail. If you have any information leading to his safe return, please call the Spencers.

You know exactly what I’m talking about. You heard me yelling at you the other day, but you wouldn’t listen. I’ve asked repeatedly every day this week, but I just can’t seem to get through to you. I must tell you, sir, that should you continue on in such a fashion I shall have no other recourse than to challenge you to a match of fisticuffs. I can no longer stand such slanderous exclamations on the quality of my cole slaw dressing.

One doily. Lacy, white and lovely. Yours for 59 cents. Louie: 919-8888

One red onion and one green bell pepper. Left at my house Christmas Eve. Slightly moldy. Call 731-0773.

Fully certified grout inspector, must have level 77AB on Montsylvania State Grout Inspector Sub-Level Examination, with a mean Section III Score over 250, needed to play checkers with former Soviet bureaucrats for new Reality TV series. Contact Channel 01, 709-332-4462, ext. 67321. Ask for Tilby.

I need someone to take some stuff off my hands. Free for the taking; one blood stained tweed jacket, two used rubber globes and one slightly used machete. No questions asked. Call Bob, 777-272-7482.

Populace seeks horrible atomic monster, either genetically grown or jumbled together from dead parts, to rampage through small Balkan village, killing, maiming, etc. Apply now, we have a strong desire to show the folly of mankind’s attempts to dominate nature. Zuribon, Albania, Box 3.

Head from statue of former dictator Saddam Hussein. Some shoe damage, but otherwise in good condition. Azmaht bin Yahnni, Baghdad, Iraq. Please send courier, all phones destroyed in Coalition attack.

56 pounds of fresh love. The Beatles were wrong, you can buy them love. Show Paul McCartney what an idiot he is, only $45. Uncle Bill, Box 78.

Human Guinea Pigs Needed! We are doing an experiment to see how the brain’s endorphin levels fluctuate during times of extreme physical pain. $250 a day! Good pay if you don’t mind having your arms and legs sawn off without anesthetic. MCTDA Department of Psychology: 68 Ermine Rd., Bestoria, MV 991832

696 sq. yds. of orange and white striped astro-turf. Free “I ? Puffins” coffee mug included. Contact Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street. London SW1, England.

Lower Grunding seeks experienced Bounty Hunter to track down Bacon Festival organizer Steve Fronthal. He has escaped, but must be brought to trial for his horrible crimes. The victims of the Bacon Festival must be avenged. Send resume and photo: 563-739-9888 (fax).

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