- The one piece erector set
- Lesbian Barbie™
- Difficult Bake Oven
- Coolidge Logs
- The 100% Negative Magic 8 Ball
- Ralph Nader’s Jungle Fort Playset
- Edible mini-Slinkies
- GI Joe™ KP Duty Playset
- Matchbox’s Cars of the Soviet Bloc Deluxe Set
- Wretch-a-Sketch
- The Doll Hovel
- Lawn Daggers
- The Flaming Kite
- Bucket o’ Twigs
- Slug Mansion
- Smurf® Collective Farm Playset
- Transformers® Plywoodobots
- Garfield Calculus Activity Book
- My Little Serpent
- Fully Satisfied Hippos
- Pre-Socratic Philosophers dress up set
- The Mud Tub
- Assorted Lugnuts in a Can
- Severed Rabbit Head
- Jr. Accountant Spread Sheet of Fun
- Nonexistor!® The Incorporeal Action Figure
- Mr. Taro-Root Head
- Bag of Fire
- Napoli & Sons Slaughterhouse: The Role Playing Game
- Human Antenna Suit
- Locktite™ Legos™
- Vivisection Dance Party
- Bob Dole Virtual Reality Goggles
- Hobby Porcupine
- The Electric Hoop
- Lead Duck
- Rubik’s Point
- Viscera in a Jar
- Fisher-Price Anal Beads
- Kiddie Chain Gang
- Toddler-Time Whetstone
- Plasticized Eyeball Marbles
- checker
- Ampu Tee Ball
- Cocaine Mule (Water-soluble Lubricant Included)
- Reality Television Slut Kit
- Tiny Torturer
- Aerosmith: The Experience
- The Kid in the Iron Mask
- Vlad Tepes Chamber of Hamster Horrors
Tag Archives: Jeremy Rosen
Great Seals in Public
Seeing as this is the first original post to the new design, I figured I’d make it a quick Three Links for our readers. I’m especially fond of Ze Frank’s song and video.
Lies, Strangers, and Mars
It’s a brisk boxing day and I’ve spent the morning drinking coffee, watching Rome, and redesigning AxesAndAlleys.com. I still took a bit of time out from my busy schedule for you dear readers. Here are three links.
Clouds Cover Volcanoes on Mars
You’ve got questions. These folks don’t answer them.
Dave’s Web of Lies
Russian Girls Need an Expiration Date
The attractiveness of Russian girls is pretty well-known. Also their avarice. Otherwise Russian bride web sites wouldn’t be so prominent and our Russian émigrés here in the States wouldn’t have the well-founded reputation of looking for “rich American husband.” Every Russian girl I’ve ever met in New York examined my wallet pocket first. Except for Uki, who was a rich nuclear physicist and didn’t need my money. Just a good lay and some vodka.
Now, I come from Georgia (the U.S. one, not that one roundabout Armenia) and we’re definitely known for our Southern belles. More beautiful and more fiery than Vivienne Leigh could ever hope for. Still, while we were 14 and spending the humid Summer days masturbating in the woods, we were always jealous of those Russian lads. They grew up with hot, loose Russian girls.
Because our girls at that age look like this:
Don’t get me wrong. If I were 13 I’d be all about the chick with the braces. But here’s the rub: Russian girls hit puberty at six or seven years old. Wendy up there is great, but look at what 14 year-old Russian boys had to fool around with:
Wouldn’t you feel cheated? I did.
Of course, when you get older this causes its own problems. A couple of weeks ago I brought a Russian girl home with me from a bar. Wouldn’t you know she was wearing Hello Kitty panties. Not ironically. We had a good conversation about Sanrio products once I got her to put her clothes back on. Here’s where my first suggestion comes in: Russian girls need a born on date.
Look, I’m no fan of the Budweiser. I think it’s weak and smells worse than old piss when it’s dried into your hair. But the Budweiser folks had a great idea in that born on date. I propose that all Russian females be implanted with an RFID tag indicating when they were born. A simple scanner would’ve helped prevent me from almost tapping jailbait and I could’ve skipped to the conversation about those delightful Badtz-Maru sunglasses Sanrio makes.
Now let’s say your wallet’s fat enough to bag you that Russian babe with the smooth thighs, perky breasts, and viciously-beautiful face. You’re probably thinking you’re set with decades of the hottest sex every night, years of dumbfounded stares of appreciation from other men, and a reason for people to talk to you at cocktail parties. As the Russians mockingly told the Germans one cold winter in 1944, “Ein minuten, bitte.”
The Russian boys have it good, but you wouldn’t want to change shoes with the Russian men. Not only is there bear wrestling, the Russian mob, and the occasional polonium poisoning, but your average 27 year-old Russian woman looks something like this:
While your 15 year-old Russian counterpart could gloat about the “nice piece” he was fondling behind the Iron Curtain, your 30 year-old Russian compatriot is stuck in a sexless hell of dentures, swollen ankles, and saggy boobs.
The tragic irony is that when a Russian woman looks like this:
is when she’s finally developed a personality. Usually an interesting one at that.
So my second proposition is that the RFID tag mentioned above also include a countdown in years, days, and hours to that Russian girl’s expiration date.
For blonde Russians, the rapid decline begins at around three months out from her 27th birthday. For the brunettes, approximately one month out. Strangely, for the rare redheaded Russian lass, the expiration date is quite unpredictable, so a concrete expiration at 26 years of age is in order.
Look, I know some people will find this offensive. I too am suspicious of RFID technology, so I totally understand. But, the fact remains it’s effective. With that out of the way, it’s also the best solution for all parties involved.
American men won’t feel deceived when they’ve hit that true, manly gravitas in their late twenties where women begin to find them the most attractive, yet be saddled with Grandma Davidova for a wife. She might offer some great insights into life, but there’s much better ass to be had out there.
It’ll spare those Russian women, too. No longer will they have to deal with cheating husbands, the loss of their income when their rich American husbands leave them jobless and with no skills or money, not to mention the daily embarrassment of him seeing those crow’s feet all over her legs. No doubt when rejected by the scan she’ll return to Russia where she can find an older man more suitable for her. Preferably a 70 year-old news stand attendant with Mommy issues.
Don’t get me started on the Poles…
James Rosen’s 20 Points On Art
1. What makes a work is the interpretation of the mind.
2. What lies between touches both.
3. “Completion” is not the end of creation.
4. The seeds he planted came to Bud by chance.
5. Naysaying is not saying. (If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.)
6. Be ready to deal with the fact that you’re not going to be happy with the end-product of your work.
7. The whole is much greater when its parts are put together in just the right way without second-guessing the form and function of that creation.
8. The simplest elements strengthen a work because they are the elements which require the least thought.
9. Follow your thoughts without resorting to artifice.
10. Embrace editing and drop what you like the most first. (Be careful when holding small children.)
11. Some works are created to impart meaning; some works are created to show off.
12. The contempt of the present is not yet the judgment of history.
13. Creation is never quite what you intended; sometimes it’s way off.
14. Attempting to impart a growing body of information in a work will likely leave it without stability.
15. Knowing something exposes it to all of our prejudices and preconceptions making that knowledge something else entirely.
16. Building a work opens a small pinhole view of the nose of God.
17. Your thoughts operate differently from your feelings; note the differences and use them.
18. Work without fear of what has already been said and done.
19. Learn what changes between concept and application.
20. Any element in a work will affect the other elements around it.