The attractiveness of Russian girls is pretty well-known. Also their avarice. Otherwise Russian bride web sites wouldn’t be so prominent and our Russian émigrés here in the States wouldn’t have the well-founded reputation of looking for “rich American husband.” Every Russian girl I’ve ever met in New York examined my wallet pocket first. Except for Uki, who was a rich nuclear physicist and didn’t need my money. Just a good lay and some vodka.
Now, I come from Georgia (the U.S. one, not that one roundabout Armenia) and we’re definitely known for our Southern belles. More beautiful and more fiery than Vivienne Leigh could ever hope for. Still, while we were 14 and spending the humid Summer days masturbating in the woods, we were always jealous of those Russian lads. They grew up with hot, loose Russian girls.
Because our girls at that age look like this:
Don’t get me wrong. If I were 13 I’d be all about the chick with the braces. But here’s the rub: Russian girls hit puberty at six or seven years old. Wendy up there is great, but look at what 14 year-old Russian boys had to fool around with:
Wouldn’t you feel cheated? I did.
Of course, when you get older this causes its own problems. A couple of weeks ago I brought a Russian girl home with me from a bar. Wouldn’t you know she was wearing Hello Kitty panties. Not ironically. We had a good conversation about Sanrio products once I got her to put her clothes back on. Here’s where my first suggestion comes in: Russian girls need a born on date.
Look, I’m no fan of the Budweiser. I think it’s weak and smells worse than old piss when it’s dried into your hair. But the Budweiser folks had a great idea in that born on date. I propose that all Russian females be implanted with an RFID tag indicating when they were born. A simple scanner would’ve helped prevent me from almost tapping jailbait and I could’ve skipped to the conversation about those delightful Badtz-Maru sunglasses Sanrio makes.
Now let’s say your wallet’s fat enough to bag you that Russian babe with the smooth thighs, perky breasts, and viciously-beautiful face. You’re probably thinking you’re set with decades of the hottest sex every night, years of dumbfounded stares of appreciation from other men, and a reason for people to talk to you at cocktail parties. As the Russians mockingly told the Germans one cold winter in 1944, “Ein minuten, bitte.”
The Russian boys have it good, but you wouldn’t want to change shoes with the Russian men. Not only is there bear wrestling, the Russian mob, and the occasional polonium poisoning, but your average 27 year-old Russian woman looks something like this:
While your 15 year-old Russian counterpart could gloat about the “nice piece” he was fondling behind the Iron Curtain, your 30 year-old Russian compatriot is stuck in a sexless hell of dentures, swollen ankles, and saggy boobs.
The tragic irony is that when a Russian woman looks like this:
is when she’s finally developed a personality. Usually an interesting one at that.
So my second proposition is that the RFID tag mentioned above also include a countdown in years, days, and hours to that Russian girl’s expiration date.
For blonde Russians, the rapid decline begins at around three months out from her 27th birthday. For the brunettes, approximately one month out. Strangely, for the rare redheaded Russian lass, the expiration date is quite unpredictable, so a concrete expiration at 26 years of age is in order.
Look, I know some people will find this offensive. I too am suspicious of RFID technology, so I totally understand. But, the fact remains it’s effective. With that out of the way, it’s also the best solution for all parties involved.
American men won’t feel deceived when they’ve hit that true, manly gravitas in their late twenties where women begin to find them the most attractive, yet be saddled with Grandma Davidova for a wife. She might offer some great insights into life, but there’s much better ass to be had out there.
It’ll spare those Russian women, too. No longer will they have to deal with cheating husbands, the loss of their income when their rich American husbands leave them jobless and with no skills or money, not to mention the daily embarrassment of him seeing those crow’s feet all over her legs. No doubt when rejected by the scan she’ll return to Russia where she can find an older man more suitable for her. Preferably a 70 year-old news stand attendant with Mommy issues.
Don’t get me started on the Poles…
March 7th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
fuk it its pussy
March 18th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Is there a way to become a content writer for the site?
April 22nd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Dude, I hope you’re joking, it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve read in a while. This is a left-over myth from the Cold-war era. Whatever makes you Americans feel better, because your women are ugly and fat in comparison with the Russian women. In fact, this is the left-over of the cold I’ve seen tons of 25-year old American girls who look much older than 30-year old Russians.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Hmm…I think ill stick with the girl with braces…she#s quite cute actully.
July 17th, 2009 at 3:45 am
Not true! Not true! I was constantly mistaken for eighteen(accident my ass) when I was thirteen; I’m eighteen now and people think I look eighteen, unless I’m wearing the usual slacks, dressy blouse, the works. And my aunt, half RU half Siberian, is about forty and doesn’t look a day over thirty. We are age-versatile and you can only guess our age by our clothes.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:44 am
You American’s are just jealous…but it’s okay, if I was American and had to compete with a Russian babe like myself, I’d be jealous too.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Pictures of the Russian babeage Katerina or it doesn’t exist.
August 12th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
This is not true..Jealous*jealous*jealous*jealous*
August 13th, 2009 at 10:21 am
That’s not true I even had something witj=h a russian who was 30 and stil looked good, that picture there is some 60-70 year old russian woman…
August 28th, 2009 at 12:32 am
listen i am russian. my bro is 30 years old and so is his blonde girlfriend. and she doesnt look anything like that or fit the desciption at all. russian women become old and wrinkly at about the same age american women do. its just that they become more pubescent earlier then american chicks do. which is the best part. all in all russian women are better than american women. there u have it.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:34 am
chej
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:38 pm
hi i need hot girl add me for hot love
September 13th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
By observation, women who talk loud age quicker……need scientific evaluation to verify that….
Women in U.S east coast and west coast age real fast, maybe they talk louder (or f*** too much with anyone) that causes it. However, midwest girls really look good and young even if they are over 40s, and you respect them of their elegance and well manners.
September 16th, 2009 at 1:52 am
You are so lovely .
Be your friend
Reply me
bkywster@gmail.com
Want more photos of you
You are so lovely.
Yours,
Kelvin
September 16th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
This is stupid. Everyone ages the same and everyone is equal, end of story.
September 19th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
i need a nice girl.oky
September 20th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Посмотрите на Россию или Украину девушку для брака, я знаю русский язык и работает журналистом в Ираке
September 20th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
abd.abd272@gmail.com
September 24th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
all of you are full of it. if you wanna see hot American girls i would show you there is way hotter American girls. Don’t get me wrong some Russians are fine… but in America I see a lot more hot Americans then Russians
October 8th, 2009 at 4:02 am
I’ve been to Russia a few times, trust me, there are way more hotties in Russia then back here in the U.S. There are very hot Americans but there are far more beautiful women in Russia. Can’t wait to go back.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
i love sex
please . want . picture . mersi
October 10th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
a.arab1356@yahoo.com
October 13th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
most beautıful gırls come from russia even they are old .. russian boys are very lucky… russian gırls are enough for world..<
October 17th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
This guy just hate Russia just see it every1 know the best and hottest girls come from Russia and Ukraine just americans dont know it they use their fat to think whit not their head.
October 17th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:57 am
who cares how a woman looks like -coz beauty fades anyway / In my hood there is a saying that states “u don’t love a woman coz she is beautiful- she is beautiful coz u love her” /but just like russian vodka -russian ladies get me drunk from their beauty !….lol
October 26th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
I lived in Alaska most of my life. There are a lot of Russian women in Anchorage. I went out to the clubs there frequently so I made friends with tons of girls. What I noticed was the Russian girls usually went to the clubs that have strict dress codes because they all like to dress up, look and act rich. A lot of them just moved to Alaska recently and don’t speak English very well. From experience, they are very beautiful, but not very outgoing and friendly. They blow guys off left and right and prefer to just dance by themselves, acting like men owe them something. Most come to Alaska for a better life because they were poor, but when they get to America, all of a sudden they act like they want money, money, money and only rich men. Where is the humbleness? But, I will still admit, they are hot!! It’s gotta be the eyes! So, they are hotter than American women (even though American women are still beautiful), but American women aren’t as uptight and less about money (I know there are still a lot of greedy American women). Advantage: American women. That said, Russian women aren’t “all and all” better, Tony.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:37 am
This is a bunch of garbage. I’m an American but I’m not blind, Russian and Eastern European women are the best looking women on the planet at any age. That being said, the blonde American girl with the braces is drop dead gorgeous too!
October 28th, 2009 at 7:12 am
I just got back from Eastern Europe. If Russian girls are anything like Prague, Polish or Latvian then believe me they have no expiration date. By far the most beautiful women i have ever seen.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
that is the most hottest girl in the world
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:24 pm
thats a lot of shit ;; you should go to russian and have a look for yourself.
im russian and im 17 and my mum is 40 and when we go shopping together people ask me if thats my friend and even in some shops they ask her for id.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:48 am
thats such BS. Im russian your retarted… obviously your brain is the size of your tiny nuts , other you would know that russians are nothing close to what you described them as, you probably go rejected too many time but russian girls because of your little brain so you decide to write this bull… good luck finding some dumbass to beleive what you wrote.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
umm this is retarded stop talking about what girl is hot and not go study and stop being retards russians study harder than americans that is a fact americans just want to have sex this is retarded lol wtf
November 17th, 2009 at 12:59 am
send me sexy image
December 1st, 2009 at 8:48 am
я не пойму у тебя комплексы что ли! Русские девушки самые красивые на свете. проснись и пой детка. зачем лапшу людям на уши вешать, ты что в школе плохо училась? в 27 так не выглядят женщины в России вообще, на картинках твоих бабушками по 90-100 лет и таких много, у нас на родине долго живут!это просто твоя зависть
December 6th, 2009 at 9:51 am
I’m married to a Russian lady. We both had a great laugh over your article. It was pretty damn funny. Thanks for the laughs. Some people need to get a life and not take things so seriously. Keep up the great writing style that you have.
J & Y
December 13th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
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December 27th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Russian women are theave. they just wanno get the money. they are very hight noze people. ofcurse they are beutifull. but its disappearing when you see them inside. they are not worth it to try. i dont 100%but mosty.
January 3rd, 2010 at 7:01 pm
DYRAK! This is not true at all!!! You are being really biased Just by looking and 3/4 pics you think that. Get Your facts straight and maybe interview Russian girls. Because being Biased like that can offend girls/ women like me. But Im just speaking the truth! >:(
January 21st, 2010 at 4:52 am
hahah this is right. i have dated a few and almost married one wonderful girl. the experation isnt 27 but seems close to it.. lol im jk those are grandmas in the pictures but will still turn out to that. but if you stick with the russian girl.. you probably wont look to good by that age either.
February 4th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
This is ridiculous! American are FAT!!! and jealous because Russians are slim beautiful and that must eat the American inside !!
Who ever wrote this shit is an idiot, end of the story!!
February 6th, 2010 at 10:56 am
I luvvvvv Russia ……….
are there any Gorgeous Russian Babes in Pakistan……….
February 13th, 2010 at 3:15 am
FUCK AMERICA AND AMERICANS…THATS ALL I CAN SAY [ AMERICANS HAVE GOT ONLY PROSTITUDES IN THEIR COUNTRY ]
February 25th, 2010 at 8:19 am
RUSSIA IS A NICE COUNTRY THAT IS BLESSED WITH BEAUTIFUL LADIES
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:33 pm
Jeremy,If your dick was bigger you could get any woman you’d like without paying her and not need to still run off to the the woods a couple of times a day, now that you are older. The second girl must be at least 16 years of age….