Russian Girls Need an Expiration Date

The attractiveness of Russian girls is pretty well-known. Also their avarice. Otherwise Russian bride web sites wouldn’t be so prominent and our Russian émigrés here in the States wouldn’t have the well-founded reputation of looking for “rich American husband.” Every Russian girl I’ve ever met in New York examined my wallet pocket first. Except for Uki, who was a rich nuclear physicist and didn’t need my money. Just a good lay and some vodka.

Now, I come from Georgia (the U.S. one, not that one roundabout Armenia) and we’re definitely known for our Southern belles. More beautiful and more fiery than Vivienne Leigh could ever hope for. Still, while we were 14 and spending the humid Summer days masturbating in the woods, we were always jealous of those Russian lads. They grew up with hot, loose Russian girls.
Because our girls at that age look like this:

girl with braces

Don’t get me wrong. If I were 13 I’d be all about the chick with the braces. But here’s the rub: Russian girls hit puberty at six or seven years old. Wendy up there is great, but look at what 14 year-old Russian boys had to fool around with:

hot russian girls

Wouldn’t you feel cheated? I did.

Of course, when you get older this causes its own problems. A couple of weeks ago I brought a Russian girl home with me from a bar. Wouldn’t you know she was wearing Hello Kitty panties. Not ironically. We had a good conversation about Sanrio products once I got her to put her clothes back on. Here’s where my first suggestion comes in: Russian girls need a born on date.

Look, I’m no fan of the Budweiser. I think it’s weak and smells worse than old piss when it’s dried into your hair. But the Budweiser folks had a great idea in that born on date. I propose that all Russian females be implanted with an RFID tag indicating when they were born. A simple scanner would’ve helped prevent me from almost tapping jailbait and I could’ve skipped to the conversation about those delightful Badtz-Maru sunglasses Sanrio makes.

Now let’s say your wallet’s fat enough to bag you that Russian babe with the smooth thighs, perky breasts, and viciously-beautiful face. You’re probably thinking you’re set with decades of the hottest sex every night, years of dumbfounded stares of appreciation from other men, and a reason for people to talk to you at cocktail parties. As the Russians mockingly told the Germans one cold winter in 1944, “Ein minuten, bitte.”

The Russian boys have it good, but you wouldn’t want to change shoes with the Russian men. Not only is there bear wrestling, the Russian mob, and the occasional polonium poisoning, but your average 27 year-old Russian woman looks something like this:

old russian woman

While your 15 year-old Russian counterpart could gloat about the “nice piece” he was fondling behind the Iron Curtain, your 30 year-old Russian compatriot is stuck in a sexless hell of dentures, swollen ankles, and saggy boobs.

The tragic irony is that when a Russian woman looks like this:

older russian woman

is when she’s finally developed a personality. Usually an interesting one at that.

So my second proposition is that the RFID tag mentioned above also include a countdown in years, days, and hours to that Russian girl’s expiration date.

For blonde Russians, the rapid decline begins at around three months out from her 27th birthday. For the brunettes, approximately one month out. Strangely, for the rare redheaded Russian lass, the expiration date is quite unpredictable, so a concrete expiration at 26 years of age is in order.
Look, I know some people will find this offensive. I too am suspicious of RFID technology, so I totally understand. But, the fact remains it’s effective. With that out of the way, it’s also the best solution for all parties involved.

American men won’t feel deceived when they’ve hit that true, manly gravitas in their late twenties where women begin to find them the most attractive, yet be saddled with Grandma Davidova for a wife. She might offer some great insights into life, but there’s much better ass to be had out there.

It’ll spare those Russian women, too. No longer will they have to deal with cheating husbands, the loss of their income when their rich American husbands leave them jobless and with no skills or money, not to mention the daily embarrassment of him seeing those crow’s feet all over her legs. No doubt when rejected by the scan she’ll return to Russia where she can find an older man more suitable for her. Preferably a 70 year-old news stand attendant with Mommy issues.

Don’t get me started on the Poles…

75 thoughts on “Russian Girls Need an Expiration Date

  1. I’m sure I’m not in the minority by any means, but I do intend to improve. I suppose my main problem is that I find large numbers of comments overwhelming, I can honestly say that I’ve skipped reading entries at friends’ blogs, just because there’s already ninety comments on it, and I a) don’t want to get lost in the shuffle, or worse b) don’t want to be obligated to spew out forty comments of my own.

  2. Russian girls, overall, are hotter. They are just trained from a young age to believe beauty is most important. Unfortunately, that also makes them pretty one dimenional, shallow and materialistic. How many Russian girls surf or play soccer on the weekends? How many of them are comfortable walking around in ripped jeans, a t-shirt and no makeup?

    American girls as a whole may not compare lookswise but they win in the personality department. I would date a Marissa Miller or Jessica Biel over any Russian girl in a heartbeat. Have you seen Anna-Lynne McCord or Katie Cassidy? They are both real-life barbie dolls, but they also do charity work in Africa, play sports and have contagious personalities. Not all American girls are fat…a lot are haha…but not all of them. And the hot Americans beat out Russian girls a million times over, because after you sleep with them – you actually wanna hang out.

  3. WTF u are a dumb cunt …russian women are the most beautiful in the world..u are an immature prick who is just angry that he cant get laid

  4. Please, please, for the life of me stop calling us “girls”, were women. Lol. Thank you.

  5. @Dee, you really must be some homo. I have been to America and most your women are fat and dressed like beggars by wearing sweatpants.. You named celebs, and even your Hollywood celebs look like crap next to any hot Russian or other Eastern European girl. You clearly are a homo. Girls DO in FACT play sports in Russia. They do so by rock climbing, swimming, and actually work out in gyms, DANCING.
    Maybe you should work on geography you retard. Russia does not get high waves on its seas compared to the Pacific areas of California or Australia you moron, so there is not much opportunity to surf. And soccer(football) is played by men in Europe/Russia. You must be some inbred living in a trailer park.

    @ Jeremy is a homo. Enough said. American age like shit. As soon as an American girl hits 23 she gains weight and becomes hairy. Worst of all, I seen American women think it is great to be fat and proud. I seen Russian women that are 40 that are slim with nice faces.

    @Ray. You are another gay American. You know nothing about Russian girls. They don’t want to be with some fat obese toothless redneck like yourself. Alaska is a crap hole even though it has some scenic beautry. I love how you think American women don’t care about money, when Anna Nicole Smith is the BIGGEST gold digger in world history. She married a guy 60 years older than her.

    @Americanboy. You have poor taste in women. Most American women are fat. If you think America has better women,then you are a chubby chaser or gay.

  6. “They are just trained from a young age to believe beauty is most important”

    @Deeratarded or Dee, whatever your pathetic name is. It’s true and a good thing. In your American society, you tell women to look like elephants and that is why most by 18 years age are size of trucks. Women are meant to be hot because hot women are meant for breeding and pleasure to all men. Society is better in Russia/Eastern Europe and even places like Brazil in Latin-America. Since you are a gay man or some fat woman, you would not know that. I know in your country, people think dinosaurs walked at same time as humans and god just created everything without evolution , so you will never understand.

  7. Your site is very nice. I’m really excited and expecting the best for your next post. Hopefully we’ll get it this week. Really appreciate this post in particular. It’s hard to separate the very good from the not good these days, but I think you’ve nailed it! Is it possible to write a guest posts? I would love to post a couple of my articles here.

  8. Look dumbass im puertorican nd this is bullshit russian girl are soo fuckin hot… nd trust me my my russian friends mother are hot 2 so stop saying stupid things nd get ur own life..


  9. You stupid american men are so Stupid how can you say this about us RUssian women we age well unlike your burger eating american cows you call wife .. .

  10. this is a load of crap you guy are to blind, my sister is 27 and she dont look nothing liek the photos of the old women you show here.. Get a life looser

  11. Ok, I loved your text, and it means a lot for me, I’m Brazilian, and grew up with Brazilian girls (everybody talk about those girls. They are as famous as Russian girls). It was alright, till the day I had my first American girlfriend. Linda was exactly what her name mean in Portuguese: Beautiful. My dad was a lawyer of Phillips Corp. in Brazil, so my family used to have contact with a lot of foreigners. She was (better, she is) an Utah Mormon, and I was the rich Brazilian spoiled guy. the difference with her and the other girlfriends that I had and would have in the future (I was 17, Linda was 16), was the fact that Linda was there because the person I was, and not the things I had.
    I had also a Slavic girlfriend. Olga. Green eyes, Black hair, the most beautiful smile… but she was a little bit shallow, as shallow as many Brazilian girls that I dated, worried about her nails, hair and clothes (and this was before the cold war end).
    Well, when I was 25 I met that Minnesotan girl that was just turned 18, still with braces, glasses, worried in finish High school with nice grades, you know, that typical geek girl that nobody looks or care… nobody but me! What I saw was 5.9, long legs, blue eyes… nice butt (I can’t help, I’m still Brazilian). Five kids and one grandson later, I see my former girlfriends with a grim of jealousy about my little Minnesotan girl, that close to her fifties don’t look even close to forties. And when comes about make love… well, but this is too much information!
    Sorry guys, but, with braces, and glasses this Brazilian guy will not trade any Brazilian top model, or any Russian hot chick, for a good American girl!

  12. greetings there, i just came across your blog via bing, and i would like to comment that you write interestingly good via your web portal. i am truly impressed by the way that you express yourself, and the content is good. anyways, i would also love to know whether you would like to exchange links with my web portal? i will be certainly more than willing to reciprocate and insert your link off in the blogroll. looking for your response, i give my sincere thanks and enjoy your day!

  13. Hey,

    who’s the girl in the first picture? She’s really pretty. Wouldn’t mind going out with her. I’m not really into all the glitts and glam of ‘hot’ looking women, because i know that they are fake, instead i love girls who represent what gils actually are. And, this girl is really good looking. To the girl in this photo, dont compare yourself with the second photo of this page. your beutiful.
    love u.

  14. hey, if any1 knows the number of the girl in the first pic, can they post i pls. i want to call her and tell her how pretty she is.

  15. FU!!! This is totally not true! This article is a cheaply written thoughts page, by some idiot who doesn’t know anything! ????? ???????! ????????!

  16. Haha ok! I got something to say one your are dumb! Russians are very beautiful. The guys are hotties! && I gotta say I LOVE their accent! Makes them even hotter! Haha haha && you little Russian bitches yah yah you guys are hot what the fuck ever! All they want from you is to bust a good one. All you bitches want is money. Shit for once take care of your man.stop being little bitches! I’m not going to say all because I know some Russians that are different and are cool as fuck! && another thing fat?? Yeah I have to admit we have some over weight people so the fuck what! Big people need love too! && why you worried about their weight you ain’t fucking them! && at least they are livin happy not giving a fuck! You guys care too much about what people think. Did you ever stop to think that no one gives a fuck! Your not promised tomorrow so live it up! Stop being stuck up bitches! && you guys stop hatin on Russians I love em!! Well some haha!!!!

  17. This gave me a good laugh.LOL This is probably the dumbest article I ever had to come across. Secondly, you, who you wrote this article, must know absolutely nothing about Russia, Russian culture and society, and never have been to Russia. Basicly, you’re biased like crazy and you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. I bet you were bored when you wrote this, so you just wanted to stir up some sh*t. Congrats, because you did rise up some reactions. It’s oke, I’ll forgive you, you just wanted to vent your jealousy, or, like I said, you were just mega bored and wanted to get some reactions. It’s obvious that you have exceedingly exaggerated the facts about the women. It’s oke if you like American women, to each with its own. But you dissing a whole country’s gender population is really just….narrow-minded and absolutely retarded. I can’t even take your article seriously….lol

    What you guys don’t understand about Russian women and E European women at large is that we’re raised differently. Our society is different and we’re used to being different. You guys, as always, aren’t looking beyond the surface, and just pick on what’s only obvious outside (although, you’re the ones calling us shallow and stuck up LOL go figure). You just don’t understand our culture, and I think you have no right to comment or judge us, because you have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m partly Russian/Ukrainian/Polish, but I’m not from Russia per se, but another E Eastern country….I recognize the “seeming stuck up” part, and telling guys off left and right…I do that too at clubs. Mostly because I don’t go to clubs to get picked up on, but to enjoy my time with my friends and dance/enjoy the music. If I wanna meet guys, I won’t look for them in clubs, unless I’d be looking for a casual “lay” for the night….but I’m not like that. Maybe that’s why those girls act like that, too. Also, I have no problem getting out of the house wearing old jeans, sweatshirt, hoodie and no make up. As a matter of fact, I rarely get dolled up, and I actually don’t like it. I know plenty Russian/E E women who are the same….so…I don’t know what you guys are talking about when you say we doll up all the time. To us, it’s actually the American girls that come off as lacking personality and acting materialistic/fake….go figure. Again, this is more like a misunderstanding between two cultures, I don’t think the stuff you guys said about us are exactly facts. You’re just generalizing, is all.

    Conclusion: Your article, and a lot of the negative comments posted about us on here is a load of BS. It’s hilarious how retarded and narrow-minded/SHALLOW some of you are. It’s what reinforces the stereotype that Americans a re ignorant/narrow-minded idiots.

  18. Anya, I’m the same mix as you and grew up in NY area and West coast But,
    there are elements of truth many russians girls as teenagers and eary 20’s are drop dead gorgeous but by late 20’s and into their 30’s look way way older than their actual age. Partly because of life style in Moscow and many other cities many desperate young girls trying to hook up with rich guys even married guys and god know how many sleept with Mikhail Prokheov ;-O and dealing with trying to find work as a model, face control and good nutriction, starch is a woman’s enemy but common in russian diet. Many amercian women are demonized as being fat and ugly but many in the metro,major cities throught Amercian look amazing into their late 30’s and 40’s without the goops of make-up and mini skirts from Wild Orchid. Millions of russian men and women will never visit the US but have
    too much hatred agaist US women it’s bizare it’s not they are competing
    to be a mail order bride to russia I doubt you will find an professional
    amercian girl who is dying to change places with Dasha Zhukova 😉 or
    Ksenia Sobchak.
    I don’t fault the women who do decide to come to the US as
    MOB I think most are smart decent girls who just want a better life without the stess of a druged out boozer who cheats on her.

  19. it is not about jealousy, but try to learn that outer beauty is nothing, look the inner beauty, how a girl behave, how she deal in different situation, either she is from USA or from russia, A girl is girl ok, appear change nothing, the changes comes with character and education. I lived in USA and in Russia also, girls are same at both place, if there r fat girls in usa then there are fat girls in russia also, so why to fight ? you all are fools ok

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