News of The World: The Final Lunge for Victory!

Final Lunge for Victory

Ban Ban, Laos– In the early morning hours, with the flashes from distant artillery still lighting up the darkened sky, my guide Chau took a sip from his canteen and offered it to me, saying “Yes, have some.” That was just what I needed, the ever popular Hmong confection of gin and powdered pumpkin mix. On a night like this, it tasted sweeter than any drink I’ve ever imbibed. Chau smiled and took another swig before strapping the canteen back to his worn combat webbing. Looking into the hills, his eyes narrowed into slits. “Listen” he implored me “Do you smell something.” His laughter was infectious and for a moment I forgot about the death all around us.

In covering this hellish war, I’ve been all over; from the frigid wastes of Antarctica, to the nightmare jungles of Madagascar, the endless plains of Siberia, the humid brothels of Sao Paolo and the molten swamps of Palauan. Now, here I was in the hills of Laos, overlooking an expanse of rice paddies, on what everyone hoped would be the last day of the war. During the difficult travels and the cacophonous battles, I met people of every nation and station, people whose bravery, intelligence, audacity and courage never ceased to amaze me.

The Laotian guerrillas here in Ban Ban reminded me of Tennyson’s old Light Brigade; for here they were, calm and serene and ready once again to charge into the jaws of death, into the mouth of hell. My companions this night weren’t professional soldiers. They were ordinary brick layers and taxidermists, fighting the Bad Guy invaders. The Bad Guys who had decided that their final stand would be made here in the hills outside Ban Ban, in their multihued Kevlar skirts and camouflaged, impact resistant polo shirts.

During the last eight weeks, the Laotian guerrillas kept up to date on the events bringing the war closer, and closer, and closer; inching, creeping, sometimes spurting towards their homeland: a communist Chinese satellite state in the stagnant and hilly jungles of South East Asia. On their blogs and web boards they posted their feelings, their hopes and fears and belief that victory would come soon. But also, surprisingly, were well-aware of the latest Hollywood gossip, and were attempting to find companionship and love. All the while they prepared and planned, went on patrols and passed vital intelligence information on to the Good Guys, via email and also via updates to their guerrilla homepage.

Laotian guerrillas

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Clauduary 2006 Premier

For almost everyone it seems, the month of Clauduary brings back fond memories of childhoold; who doesn’t enjoy the wonders of International Robot Appreciation Day? Let’s face it, everyone from small children to geriatrics likes robots. So this month’s issue is dedicated to all the robots of the world because Axes & Alleys appreciates Czech workers.

In honor of your favorite Czech workers, or “robots,” feel free to download the print edition of our Clauduary issue.

Click here for the latest issue in PDF!

Classifieds: Maine 2006

FOR SALE
First season of “The Wonder Years” on 16mm film strip. Dubbed into Swedish by actors with heavy Urdu accents. A must have for any “Paul” fan. €5.00 each.

POSITION AVAILABLE
President needed to execute laws enacted by legislators. Must be 35 or older, natural born citizen. Knowledge of Microsoft Word, Excel and Power Point a must. Car provided. Contac US Govmt. Wash. DC.

WANTED
Ice skates for elephant. Must be Pachyderm Size 11. Wally at Feeble 02-1, ext. 3.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Single marine needed to infiltrate German occupied castle in order to destroy the entire Nazi regime. Rifle with limited ammo provided. Contact Pentagon. US.

FOR SALE
Archipelago. Contains four larger islands, 19 smaller islands. One inlet and a volcano. Tiberius, Box 7483.

FOR LEASE
Novel about a woman on a quest to discover how peanut butter is made. Will the government conspiracy and its assassins kill her before she finds the truth? Lease my novel to find out. Mr. Lance Bot. 748-3833-283 No calls after 3pm, baby is sleeping.

FOR RENT
One Bank of Lemuria debit card. Personal PIN not included. Standardize Corvés 2001 Shecky Williams Dr. Mulhanset, AC, 282830.

WANTED
Left marmot testicle. I have an experiment I’d like to try out. Please do not include whole marmot. Billy Lumpkin bbill@msn.com

SEEKING
Prom date. Must know South American and Caribbean dances such as the tango, lambada, salsa, cha cha, merengue, bachata, beguine, rumba and mambo; expert in country line dancing a plus. Irish need not apply. Becky near the Fountain

FOR SALE
1800 combination tea cozies/razor wire. Free description of marsupials included.Tony Blair 10 Downing Street London SW1 UK

FOR SALE
The original cross used to crucify that thief from the Bible. You know, the bad one who mocks Jesus? Yeah, it’s his cross. Not the Jesus cross, but pretty close. St. Croix of Infinite Mercy Church, Talladega, Alabama.

FOR SALE
Left-pawed mouse with excellent pinball skills. Won many tournements in Colombia and surrounding areas. Avery Bob, Trenchant, NH

WANTED
Will someone please stop the rain. I don’t care what you do – dance, call upon your respected god, pray to Satan…just make it stop for a few hours. The triumphant miracle maker will receive a batch of rice crispy treats, and a three year old Cingular™ phone charger with a bent plug. Launa, Box 23.

FOR SALE
I have developed a machine capable of producing as much energy as it consumes. I will sell it to a venture capitalist for some money. Contact Yalto Ban Botta, Box 432.

FOR SALE
One arrogant asteroid always talking about its carbonaceous chondrites. Prim Freeborn. Box 3.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Gorillas needed to help develop gorilla nagvigated air ship across the Black Sea. All applicants must pass drug test and have working knowledge of Black Sea and surrounding areas. Gorillas only, gibbons need not apply. Fax resume to Simian Aeronautics Corps. P.O. Box 121, Clover City, MV.

WANTED
Bullet proof radishes for use in war-time salads. Shrapnel resistant lettuce also, or if you have any armor-peircing tongs, I’ll take those too. Elizabeth. Box 211.