Monrovia, MV – Researchers at Magic Muffin’s Research Campus have been working diligently in the service of muffin sortation. For the past year, Dr. Edward Jacobs and his team spent the majority of their time working to train various creatures in muffin separation in an effort to make the manufacturing and shipping processes more efficient. Surprisingly, they have found very little success with snakes.
“Snakes have been used for some time in microchip manufacturing,” says Jacobs, “but their sortational aptitude there does not seem to translate to muffins or virtually any other consumer package good.”
During the course of our interview with Dr. Jacobs, we passed through the test subject living quarters where we saw many dogs, old world monkeys, several ungulates and, surprisingly, a sloth.
“The sloth is actually fairly good with blueberry and poppy seed,” said Dr. Kelly Jacobs, Edward Jacobs’ daughter and assistant. She later told us that the sloth was “just a bit slow,” but she did not want to hurt his feelings by saying so in front of him.
Dr. Jacobs’ (the elder) prize animal is a schnauzer named Murray, who has received high grades in all the major muffin sorting axes including chocolate, chocolate chip, double-fudge chocolate, and bran. Dr. Jacobs (the younger) also sees promise in Hoody, a four year old Thompson’s gazelle who has proven quite skillful in some preliminary cupcake tests.
“Dad gave me some research time on my own and I wanted to see if maybe Hoody didn’t have some abilities outside of the corn muffin-oat muffin continuum,” explains Jacobs.
She points out that the major differences between cupcakes and muffins are frosting and size. Larger cupcakes are often mistaken for muffins, so the research team often includes a few in the muffin testing.
Javier McClintock, Vice President of Human and Animal Resources, says that once the results of the testing are reported in February, Magic Muffin will make a determination about which animals to put on the factory floor. Should the report be favorable, a test program will begin in their extra-national production facility located in international waters to avoid legal entanglements and taxation.
“After that,” says McClintock, “we plan to roll out schnauzer and gazelle sortation teams in
all of our muffin production facilities by quarter 3 of 2007.”
