The Historigon: Gregor 2007

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The Historigon

This Month in History:

  • 2006 AD- Only one month after being commissioned, NCV-738 U.S.S. William Henry Harrison sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic.
  • 2002 AD- Respect for the environment reaches an all-time high of .067% of the population.
  • 2000 AD- Thanks to the continued success of comedy, humorism is finally declared dead.
  • 1998 AD- In order to advance his post-The Wonder Years career, Josh “Paul Pfeiffer” Saviano, reinvents himself as shock rocker Marlene Berkowitz.
  • 1993 AD- A peanut allergy causing virus is perfected by the Walnut Council.
  • 1973 AD- Sloppy Whitehouse janitor Earl Shecky is added to Nixon’s enemy list.
  • 1950 AD- Timothy Dawson, father of three, comes home after a long day at the office and lights up his pipe.
  • 1918 AD- After tripping up in No Man’s Land, First Lieutenant Miles Raspail Thompson curses Joseph Glidden and his so-called “barbed-style wires.”
  • 1896 AD- After his horse dies miles from home in the freezing cold, junk man David Rosen of Detroit cuts her open and sleeps inside the carcass to keep warm. Years later a young filmmaker reads of this and includes it in one of his films.
  • 1776 AD- Tired and worn-out after a night of composing, Thomas Jefferson pens a silly little piece of writing that he calls “The Declaration of Indigestion.”
  • 1666 AD- As it is “The Year of the Beast,” John Fish sits in his wood bin, fingers in his ears, waiting for Armageddon.
  • 1492 AD- Spaniards arrive in North America to replace the ancient horse population which had died out thousands of years earlier.
  • 1330 AD- Shortly before the birth of future Shogun Ashikaga Yoshiakira, those near his mother hear screams of pain.
  • 1184 AD- After falling for the same trick eighty-six consecutive times, French Crusaders follow an apparently fleeing Muslim army into a narrow mountain pass, just in case it might actually work this time.
  • 1041 AD- Samuel Aba becomes king of Hungary, beginning over 900 years of the world not caring what happens in Hungary.
  • 863 AD- Gradu the Barber, in the first written account of the city of Smolensk, states that “it’s a one donkey town.”
  • 770 AD- Halfer the Blacksmith decides to start making horse shoes out of iron so he doesn’t have to see that annoying Lord Grefter and his snotty six-year old son so often.
  • 622 AD- Following in the foot steps of other religions of peace such as Judaism and Christianity, Muslims found their religion on the invasion and destruction of other lands and people.
  • 504 AD- The Mitriani, a long-lived alien race with a small population, land on a largish coral outcropping in the Pacific. Finding little in the way of intelligent life, they decide to have their equivalent of a can of soda before leaving. 1400 years later, Americans decide they really like Kwajalein Atoll.
  • 258 AD- Shortly before being declared emperor, Sun Xiu is frustrated by a commoner who can’t seem to carry a wooden pole through the gates of Hulin. Sun sticks a finger in his eye and lets out a yell, thus creating the action which was named for him: the shoe.
  • 112 AD- Dugongs invent spear technology and launch an invasion of what would become southern Malaysia. The invasion fails under mysterious circumstances.
  • 240 BC- Ctesibius of Alexandria invents a sub-orbital, pneumatic rocket, but accidentally pushes the improperly-labeled self-destruct lever, destroying the rocket and his engineering notes. At the same time as the explosion, Ctesibius invents the interface concept of labels.
  • 535 BC- Lao Tzu is the first philosopher to come up with the idea that everything, including one’s memories of the past, was created within the past five minutes. An intelligent friend slaps Lao across the face, ending the promulgation of this line of thought for hundreds of years.
  • 760 BC- Shortly before his death Alara, the king who united Nubia, looks over the sand and dust of his kingdom and starts to wonder why he would do such a thing.
  • 1001 BC- Local inhabitants, burdened by the fossils their people had collected while migrating throughout Africa, begin throwing them into Olduvai Gorge.
  • 1457 BC- Kiltumesh takes a break from the Battle of Megiddo to urinate and use a branch to relieve himself of the irritating itch on his back.
  • 1729 BC- Humming to himself while working on some pottery, Terah doesn’t notice Abraham, Lot, their families and their friends leaving for Canaan.
  • 6000 BC- Neanderthals found the Minoan Civilization.

March of Progress: Gregor 2007

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Metal Rings Now Obsolete
In what is being hailed as a revolutionary breakthrough, technicians at Toledo’s Bester Labs were able to successfully attach plates to a metal ring. Also made of metal, the plates have now rendered plate-less metal rings completely obsolete. This is a major step forward in metal ring technology, an advance unequalled since metal rings were first developed in the early 1930s.

For decades, many in the metal ring industry had considered the addition of plates to be science fiction hokum, a belief which was dispelled in 1998 when metal ring technician Amanda Brock published a mathematical proof that plates would be possible, under certain, difficult to achieve conditions. Though many continued to debate the veracity of Brock’s claims, a few advanced labs began testing to determine if plates could be successfully added to metal rings.

After nine years, and fifteen billion dollars, Bester Labs managed to fulfill the dream of countless generations by adding plates to metal rings for the first time. “This signals the dawn of a new age,” said Assistant Ring Technician Tommy Branson. “With pluck, determination, and a few billion dollars, anything is possible, even plates on metal rings.”

The prototype metal ring with plates, dubbed EVX-17, will be on display at the Toledo Hall of Science until January.

News of the World: Gregor 2007

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development

Evanston, EL– In a form letter sent to residents and business owners, the City Council formally announced its plan to hold a meeting to address citizens’ concerns over the proposed re-zoning plan for the area of North Street between West Main and Route 202. While the area in question has remained rural and undeveloped for decades, two large tracts of land have been sold to developers who hope to build a new housing sub-division and to the BestMart company who has plans to build a new BestMart Super Center near the intersection of North and Route 202. Currently, the area is zoned Light Commercial and Residential, but some community groups have protested, citing geological surveys suggesting that new developments could create runoff, possibly flooding Uchee and Neary Creeks during downpours.

Residents of the nearby Pine Woods and River Run sub-divisions have formed a lobby group, though they have yet to make any official statement about the City Council’s proposed meeting. Resident Maria O’Malley issued a statement on her blog, in which she stated ten major issues she had with the new rezoning plan, including increased automobile traffic and increased taxes to pay for new road maintenance. Other residents have stated that if the area is rezoned as Medium Commercial, it may affect their property values.

Prince County City Planner Raymond Jones, a twelve year veteran of Evanston civil service, had this to say “Evanston is growing and development can have both downsides and benefits. Of course we’re going to listen to all sides on this issue and make a decision that will work for residents as well as for commercial interests. I look forward to a productive meeting.” According to inside sources, speakers at the meeting may include Deputy Planner Elaine Meyers, Council Chairperson Willard Thomas, Residents Association President Marlene Kaplan-Hughes, and perhaps even Chamber of Commerce President Michael Mattingly, Jr. Plans for the meeting include the reading of the minutes, a pledge of allegiance to the flag, as well as a question-and-answer time which will allow private citizens to voice specific concerns or opinions.

Whichever course the Planning Office and the Council choose, all agree that this is an excellent example of community involvement in civic affairs and that perhaps such an amicable relationship will enable Evanston, and all of Prince County, Elizabethia, to grow and prosper in the coming years.

rectangle

Letters: Gregor 2007

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Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof

To Whom It May Concern,
I would like a job in either your production department or your chemical reclamation department. I am strong, smart, handsome, and virile. You may think these last two traits don’t really help all that much when it comes to reclaiming spent chemicals or producing a magazine, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: you’re probably not as handsome or virile as I am, so how would you know?
Ralph Fiennes
Franklin, TN

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Could you please print my letter asking my girlfriend to marry me? It was the most romantic thing I could think of. I hope she says yes.
Freddie McSwirley
Boston, MA

Dear Editors,
I loved your article on the number seventeen (Seventeen: A Brief History, Volume 456-BR8, Issue 02)! The best part was the bit with all the flags at the bottom, including that of my own homeland of Esperia. I’ve missed it so much since I moved to the United States, and it’s so rare that you see Esperian things in this country. Longa vivi Axes & Alleys.
Shovelilo Teni
Detroit, MI

Axes & Alleys,
The recent influx of Esperian terrorists to this nation is incredibly disturbing. It is my understanding that your publication is quite popular amongst them. Please be a true patriot and tell these readers of yours to go home.
Allison “The Admiral” Pfeffer
Bremen, Germany

Hey Editors,
What’s with Illinois, porn and astrology?
Eliza Rohr
Chicago, IL

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Did you know a really good way to use your magazine is as kindling for the fire used in the final step of making buckskin leather? It may seem highly unbelievable, but it’s true. I usually buy two copies, one for reading and one for putting in the bottom of the fire pit before I start the smoking process. It makes a nice, amber or yellowbrown patina on the skin, makes it incredibly pliable, and best of all is that perfuming agent you use in your dyes. No one knows my secret ingredient, so I’m selling an awful lot of moccasins, coats, and chaps. Thanks you guys!
Mark Frauenfelder
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Axes & Alleys,
We deeply regret the incident of last summer. Our inaction caused you and your neighbors outrageous inconvenience and serious discomfort during some of the hottest months of the year. The tepid response we first gave to the issue, as well as our disinformation campaign, did nothing to relieve you of the darkness, heat, and odoriferous conditions you experienced in your apartment for nine days. We are terribly sorry, and if there’s anything we can do to make it up to you, please let us know.
Kevin Burke
Chairman, President, and Chief Executive Officer,
Consolidated Edison
New York, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Why have there been at most two references to Showtime Networks’ The L Word in your magazine? That’s hardly enough. You’ve mentioned Leisha Halley, of course, and I can’t but think that your article devoted to fire safety (Fire Safety Tips for the Home, Volume 456-BR7, Issue 18) was an allegory for the death of Dana in the third season. That’s it, though. No references to important main characters like Shane or Bette, no mention of backgrounders like Lara (she’s a hottie), or that transgender Max. I expect more The L Word references and fewer references to things like Blake’s 7 or the 12th season of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I’ve certainly had enough of your theological diatribes.
Ilene Chaiken
West Hollywood, CA

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Why is it that the serious, professional architects always make fun on my designs for my the skyscraper I want to build. It’s call “The Chicago” and is a million miles high and bright orange in color. They always tell me that there’s no material with the tensile strength to enable the construction of a million mile tall skyscraper. That’s so unfair.
Michael Forks
Thaddigan, PA

Dear Sirs,
In your article “Alamo or Bust” your historians say that David “Davey” Crocket died at the Alamo, killed in battle by Mexican solidiers. What a crock. Everyone who has studied geometry knows that such a death would be impossible. No, it seems much more likely that he was killed by two alligators named Clem and Morris. Morris ate the top half, but didn’t eat the hat. Alligators don’t eat hats.
Laura Burbank,
Talisman, GA